[shawna0527]

I recently found out that my boyfriend was registered on match making sites for gay men and for bi-curious men. He was looking for men and women. He stated he wanted to explore feelings he had suppressed for a long time. He had joined these sites 6 months ago. I am now pregnant from that same time. I confronted him about this because in my opinion that is cheating. He said that we were fighting at that time and he did not think we were going to make it. He said that he registered and has not been back to those sites since. He swears he has never cheated on me and that he never will because he wants me and loves me. I do not see any evidence that he did ever go back on those sites and no evidence that he has ever cheated on me. We have a wonderful sex life and have sex often with no signs that he doesn't enjoy it he is usually the one that initiates sex. I have searched site after site and he doesn't fit any of the what to look for to tell if your man is gay lists. He is very manly, not homophobic, very conservative. This is the opposite of what I thought I would ever deal with, I never had any questions about his sexuality or faithfulness. The whole situation has sent my mind racing with questions and doubt. He has a hard time talking about his feelings and does not want to talk about the part that he was looking for a man, he simply says he was at fault for joining the sites and he won't do it again. I don't know if he just wants sex, does he feel emotionally attracted to men or just sexually, is he gay, does he love me, why would he do this, what should I do. I am a very open person, most of my friends are lesbians due to me working with many lesbians. I believe and he knows I believe that people can not change how they are born. He says I am the most liberal person he has ever met. I don't understand why he wouldn't talk to me I love him and would support him even if that meant we weren't together as a couple, I have always told him I want him to be happy but he won't talk about it. I am not sure how to proceed, if he is gay it must be horrible for him, but it wouldn't be fair to me either, will he wait 2, 4, 10, or 20 years and tell me he is leaving me for a man because that is what he always wanted. I don't want that. What should I do?

[Jake2008]

I think it is unusual that a married straight man would visit, let alone register, on gay and bi dating sites. He also said, men and women.

My answer is probably all wrong here, but I would too, be very concerned. It is not uncommon for men (or women) to live dual lives, or live lives that do not reflect their sexual orientation.

Just as an example, my sister and her partner have been together for 17 years. Her partner was married to a man, and they had two children together. It all worked out very well for everybody once the truth was out in the open.

If he is willing, try to attend counselling together. If he is not judged by you, and he's not judged by a counsellor, perhaps it may all come out. Fear is a strong motivator to keep secrets, and if he is not being honest with you, and you are not satisfied with the answers (so far), this issue will most likely come up again in my opinion.

He was looking for something.

[Synnen]

What do you do?

You TALK to him. Preferably in front of a relationship counselor.

If he won't talk about it, YOU decide whether you can trust him and then YOU choose to leave or stay based on that.

This is NOT about whether he's gay--this is about the fact that you don't trust him.

[pathisfer]

These are some tough questions to deal with! My first thought is that straight men don't register themselves on gay sites, curious or not. There are also an alarming number of marriages where men are presenting themselves as heterosexual and have a normal family life but then go on the DL (down low) by having sex with other men and can apparently keep up this double life for years.
He says he wants to 'explore' feelings that have been suppressed for a long time- I would want to know exactly what that meant. Does that mean having sex with men? Does he want an open relationship?
Like you said, people can't change who they are innately, and who they are will surface eventually and I don't think this is really a trust issue either.
Before someone seeks out certain behaviors or curiosities, they first fantasize about doing them. He's had these fantasies for awhile and now he is starting the first stages of acting them out, by registering on those sites, those fantasies are 'materializing' into something more tangible.
Saying he will never do it again isn't really realistic since he admitted that he has a repressed side, it will surface again.
Therapy seems to be the best option here to get things out in the open since he's shutting down when you talk to him.

[lynn1981]

For trust issues like this you should seek professional help.
Part of your post made me wonder though, if he is as conservative as you say, maybe he is having the oh so common STRAIGHT male problem of wanting anal play and freaking out about it. If this is the case then you can view this as an opportunity to add a little something something to your sex life. Start by talking about it and don't bring up the personal ads, don't shame him for it. Just keep emphasising there is a HUGE difference in wanting your girlfriend to play with your and some random guy. In my opinion, doing this for/to the guy I care about is an awful lot of fun and helps him become more comfortable with his own desires, and more l likely to come to you and talk through a strange feeling. At least that been my experience.
Guys do weird stuff when they first break up with someone but it does sound like both of you should sit in front of a professional so you can work through this and move on because if you're expecting you only have so much time to work out kinks (no pun intended) before it's no longer about you two. Trust issues can't be ignored when you're going to be coparenting with someone.

[0rphan]

This definitely needs to be sorted out by what ever means is necessary... counsellor/sex therapist that you perhaps could go along together and see.

It would seem that he has these thoughts just under the surface, they need to be brought out into the open and discussed thoroughly by the both of you.

He seems very confused about his sexual orientation, which is why he says... he needs to explore other avenues... which will, he hopes, determine his genda once and for all.

I am totally certain that he means every word that he has said to you,but as you have said in the long term it will not help.

The doubts are already forming a platform for disaster in the future, which is why you must make a stand now and sort this out.

Make an appointment with your GP explain your concerns and worries, he will then put you in touch with the relevant organizations that are there to help you both.

PLease do not sweep this under the carpet, it will raise it's ugly head again and again... sort it asap

[Xrayman]

Oh dear.

He is not gay, gay mendon't ask for women and men. He may be bisexual.

I won't go into the old speil about grey areas when we talk about sexuality, however, it seems as if he is looking for some fantasy as an outlet (I'd think).

I would stop probing around his personal internet sites if you do not wish to be upset. I would try to broach the subject about how your and his sexuality can work together.

Although I don't think that this is a huge problem-it MAY be..

Your situation is hard to judge without the full experience of your internal relationship-only you can do that.

It appears that you have a healthy viewpoint on sexuality, except that I think you feel that sexuality is one of a few types. Homo/les, bi and straight. I think there are many shades, your partner seems to reflect this.

Cheers.

[450donn]

If you find it necessary to ask, you already know the answer.

[smoothy]

Gay guys don't enjoy sex with women... now BI guys will like both. There is a difference.