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Robert7x · Apr 22, 2009, 08:35 AM

I've been with my girl for about 3months now... We've been friends before for a year... but not that close friends... let's say I knew her and we hang out sometimes. So now we're in a relationship... She's 24 and has only had sex with 2 guys in her life... I think it was once with each of them... She said it alwasys hurt her...

We had sex 2 weeks ago... I think... first we tried it... she said it hurt so I stopped... next day we actually did it and it was great... she said it hurted at the beginning but then it was fine.

So basically it's been 2 weeks now and every time I try it again, she doesn't want to. "i'm not in the mood" or whatever other explanation I get. Now the thing is, I'm not trying to push her to have sex, I've been actually stressed lately and I don't think I could even have an errection... but I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in her head.

We had some arguments for the past week or so about stupid stuff, that should be fine now. However, every time she comes over, she's tired or not feeling like it. I want to talk to her about it, but I know I'll get the same answer like the last time, that she's not in the mood.

I know some of you will probably say, don't think about sex and just enjoy each others company... which I am... but it's like that saying says... "Men need sex to feel loved and women need love to have sex" I'm just concerned that if this relationship goes any further... I don't know how it will turn out... Sex is important to me.

What do you guys think?

Thanks to all.

jmw0713 · Apr 22, 2009, 08:46 AM

Some people just are not that sexual. Some people have a strong desire for sex, others don't. Try talking to her about it at some point in the future. Tell her your feelings about sex. The key is communication. If you two cannot reach some sort of compromise on this issue, you have a decision to make for yourself.

Don't stay with someone if you're not happy. Chances are things will not change. Next thing you know, you will be a year or two down the road caught up in a passionless and sexless relationship. Trust me, it sucks.

BTW, next time you have sex with her, try some lubricants or something. That may ease her pain a bit.

artlady · Apr 22, 2009, 08:51 AM

There could be so many different reasons,to speculate would be a waste of time.

Perhaps she had a traumatic sexual experience in the past.

The fact that sex is painful in a woman her age makes me think of the possibility of a condition known as Vaginsmus.

She may not even know she has it.I am giving you a link that can explain this is full.You need to read this and if it applies,she needs to read it as well.

Home - Vaginismus.com

Robert7x · Apr 22, 2009, 08:52 AM

Thanks. I thought about the problems down the road if they are like this now where it's supposed to be the honey moon stage...

Before we tried it and actually while we had it... she was "excited" enough that I didn't need any lubricant or anything really...

I'm just getting a feeling that there could be something else wrong... But, I agree communication is the key... It's just how do you talk to someone who is so stubburn about things like this...

Thanks

Synnen · Apr 22, 2009, 08:54 AM

I would like to point out that you've only been together for 3 months.

Depending on your ages, HER primary concern may be that she could get pregnant every time you have sex. That's a pretty big libido killer right there.

Are you using protection? Multiple forms of protection? Are you playful, loving and sexual (kissing, making out, etc) with NO expectation that it will lead to sex?

Finally--my most common answer about this sort of situation is this: If the two of you cannot openly and honestly communicate about sex, you shouldn't be HAVING sex. If you can't trust each other enough to talk about it, how can you trust each other enough to make it through any of the difficult situations that could arise from having sex--STDs or pregnancy?

Make more of an effort to realize that sex starts in a person's HEAD--especially with women. If you think that foreplay is a kiss and a grope of her boobs, well, then that's your biggest mistake. Foreplay is in the mind more than anywhere else, and you've got to get into her head before you can get into her pants.

Robert7x · Apr 22, 2009, 08:56 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

There could be so many different reasons,to speculate would be a waste of time.

Perhaps she had a traumatic sexual experience in the past.

The fact that sex is painful in a woman her age makes me think of the possibility of a condition known as Vaginsmus.

She may not even know she has it.I am giving you a link that can explain this is full.You need to read this and if it applies,she needs to read it as well.

Home - Vaginismus.com

Well... speaking of this... she has been complaing about a pain in her left ovary. She said she had this pain in the past then it went away then it came back again... I thought it was because of the sex and that she wasn't deep enough... or something. She went to a doctor and they scheduled some kind of test for her this Friday... This was 2 weeks ago. She said it doesn't hurt anymore... so I assumed I was right about the sex part maybe...

But she still has this test Friday... So I don't know. Maybe she's worried about this and not even thinking about sex...

Robert7x · Apr 22, 2009, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

I would like to point out that you've only been together for 3 months.

Depending on your ages, HER primary concern may be that she could get pregnant every time you have sex. That's a pretty big libido killer right there.

Are you using protection? Multiple forms of protection? Are you playful, loving and sexual (kissing, making out, etc) with NO expectation that it will lead to sex?

Finally--my most common answer about this sort of situation is this: If the two of you cannot openly and honestly communicate about sex, you shouldn't be HAVING sex. If you can't trust each other enough to talk about it, how can you trust each other enough to make it through any of the difficult situations that could arise from having sex--STDs or pregnancy?

Make more of an effort to realize that sex starts in a person's HEAD--especially with women. If you think that foreplay is a kiss and a grope of her boobs, well, then that's your biggest mistake. Foreplay is in the mind more than anywhere else, and you've got to get into her head before you can get into her pants.

Thanks

I understand that sex starts in her head... and when we started fooling around... it almost always led to it... but never fully... She can get excited easy... but I guess when she's in the mood.

I agree that communication is the problem... and I'm trying to talk about it... but she gets into defensive mode that I'm like every other guy only thinking about sex...

Gemini54 · Apr 22, 2009, 11:20 PM

So sex is painful for her, no offence, but have you heard of foreplay? Perhaps she doesn't get excited because you're not a very exciting lover?

Guys so often think it's the girl's fault, but our bodies don't work that same way as yours.

Why don't you try hugging and kissing with no sex? She probably hates the way any physical contact always leads to sex, so of course she's relectant and makes excuses.
She needs to be aroused and 'wet' before sex will be enjoyable and perhaps you don't let her get to this point.

Have a meal together, walk in the sun, go to the movies - hug, kiss, enjoy the feel of her body and feeling aroused. It won't kill you if you don't do anything, in fact it will make it much nicer when you do.

Sex is often about the anticipation - let her know that you desire her, but that you can wait. There is heaps of stuff on the internet - and I don't mean porno - inform yourself about women and their sexuality, your current and future relationships will benefit from it!

Dare81 · Apr 23, 2009, 05:31 AM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

So sex is painful for her, no offence, but have you heard of foreplay? Perhaps she doesn't get excited because you're not a very exciting lover?

Guys so often think it's the girl's fault, but our bodies don't work that same way as yours.

Why don't you try hugging and kissing with no sex? She probably hates the way any physical contact always leads to sex, so of course she's relectant and makes excuses.
She needs to be aroused and 'wet' before sex will be enjoyable and perhaps you don't let her get to this point.

Have a meal together, walk in the sun, go to the movies - hug, kiss, enjoy the feel of her body and feeling aroused. It won't kill you if you don't do anything, in fact it will make it much nicer when you do.

Sex is often about the anticipation - let her know that you desire her, but that you can wait. There is heaps of stuff on the internet - and I don't mean porno - inform yourself about women and their sexuality, your current and future relationships will benefit from it!

This is really uncalled for.

Romefalls19 · Apr 23, 2009, 05:41 AM

Maybe she wants to take it slow and felt pressured by you to have sex in the first place. You have only been together for 3 months, you said she's only been sexual with 2 other guys and she's 24, which leads me to believe that sex for her is something sacred.

Robert7x · Apr 23, 2009, 07:02 AM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

So sex is painful for her, no offence, but have you heard of foreplay? Perhaps she doesn't get excited because you're not a very exciting lover?

Guys so often think it's the girl's fault, but our bodies don't work that same way as yours.

Why don't you try hugging and kissing with no sex? She probably hates the way any physical contact always leads to sex, so of course she's relectant and makes excuses.
She needs to be aroused and 'wet' before sex will be enjoyable and perhaps you don't let her get to this point.

Have a meal together, walk in the sun, go to the movies - hug, kiss, enjoy the feel of her body and feeling aroused. It won't kill you if you don't do anything, in fact it will make it much nicer when you do.

Sex is often about the anticipation - let her know that you desire her, but that you can wait. There is heaps of stuff on the internet - and I don't mean porno - inform yourself about women and their sexuality, your current and future relationships will benefit from it!

I've done all that before... Foreplay is never a problem for me... and I said earlier... she get's excited easy... she gets wet without any problems... but I think it's something else... Rome could be right about it...

Thanks all.

Romefalls19 · Apr 23, 2009, 07:07 AM

I'm not saying you pushed her on purpose though, so don't think I am saying that. Sometimes emotions make us push for things to move faster than the other wants, and in fear of losing the other, they give in to your desires. It's a tough balance, be there for her during this time and show her your sweet and caring side, the sex is a bonus to a relationship, the connection means more than anything. Besides, once you get married you lose it again anyway.

Just kidding gals, don't hurt me

Robert7x · Apr 23, 2009, 09:04 AM

I actually am there for her... I support her and am always sweet toward her. The only thing I was concerned about sex was because we had it and then now it's like starting from scratch again...

But I understand what you are saying bud... Thanks for advice.

R

talaniman · Apr 23, 2009, 11:16 AM

You aren't paying attention to her signals, nor have established that communication with her, where you are both comfortable yet.

Why do I say that? Because your not understanding each other, enough to help each other. That indicates still being strangers who are learning about themselves, and their partner.

That's why its awkward. Make love to her mind for 3 weeks, without the sex. She may be wet, but isn't relaxed.

Robert7x · Apr 23, 2009, 11:28 AM

That's true... she isn't relaxed... I felt that... When you say make love to her mind... What do you mean by that? Like, true compliments, foreplay etc?

Romefalls19 · Apr 23, 2009, 11:37 AM

Just be there for her, be a boyfriend. Any guy can try to get into a girls pants. Listen to her, if she's feeling stressed, offer a massage. You can also plan a romantic night out, or have a movie night. Hold her, just make her feel appreciated.

If I am wrong Tal, my apologies.

Romefalls19 · Apr 23, 2009, 11:38 AM

Originally Posted by Robert7x

that's true... she isn't relaxed... i felt that... When you say make love to her mind... What do you mean by that? Like, true compliments, foreplay etc?

There shouldn't be such things as "true compliments" it should just be compliments. Any compliment I say to my fiancé, is the truth. I wouldn't lie to her, and I wouldn't expect her to lie to me

Robert7x · Apr 23, 2009, 07:09 PM

I understand bud... The reason I said true compliments is because I really mean them... I didn't want to get judgded now for saying compliments as it would imply like I'm just saying it to get in her pants which is not true.

Thanks a lot though for great advice. I really apreciate it.

R

talaniman · Apr 23, 2009, 08:24 PM

No need to apologize Rome, your right, its all about having fun getting to know someone, and letting them know you.

Yeah I guess romance is nice, dinners walks, ASKING THE QUESTIONS THAT REVEAL HER MIND TO YOU, and that's paying attention, and being a good listener. Being a good listener, is half the skills required, for communications. Honesty being the other part. (bet you thought talking was)

Manual stimulation in preparation for sex, is much easier, when a female is ready, not just wet. That starts with her mind, and attitude, and motivation. Not with tongue in ear, but mind, to mind.