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CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 06:25 AM

:confused:Hello!

I have been a member on here for some time and I ask various questions about relationships, health issues.. etc... I guess we all have our problems right?

Well, here is my new dilema. I have been dating someone new... 5 months now. Things are pretty much great... We fell in love pretty fast, but the feelings are all still there and the relationship is amazing. We have argued like anyone else, but in the end things always work out. However, I am a tad older than him... 6 and a half years... so sometimes things are difficult because he's not quite that mature yet. I am 30.. He is 24. My mind set is to find my special someone and be married.. have a family. He is still finishing up school but eventually down the road wants to be one of those "lucky" people.

We met through work and were set up by a mutual friend. After our first lunch date, we spoke on the phone for hours with each other in which during one of those conversations, he told me that he blazed occasionally which is fine with me. (Blaze for those of you that don't know means smoke pot).. This conversation was taking place on a Sat night. I was to go to his house and hang out with him on Sunday. As the conversation got deeper and deeper, he said to me, "Remember when I told you I blazed occasionally" and I said yes. He said, "well, it's more like all the time"... With that response I said, "well maybe it's not a good idea I come over there"... he asked why and I said because I don't date pot heads. With that he told me that he wouldn't do it anymore.. and pretty much he has stuck to his word in the last 5 months.

Anyhow, we had an argument yesterday and he brought up the fact how he changed for me... I told him I never asked him to change and he said he had to or I wouldn't be here. With that he also said that not smoking bothers him a little bit. With my thinking, I felt that if he trully loved me, then it shouldn't bother him at all... I told him that I didn't mind if he did it occasionally... and by occasionally I mean like once a month or something. Last night he said that he would like to sometimes and that means for him once a week or something...
He knows how I feel about this. In fact, his mom has been extatic since he has stopped... But, I don't know what to do... This is where the immaturity comes out on his part. A lot of my friends blaze... and that's fine with me... but those friends are not a boyfriend that I am in love with. Does anyone here have some advice? There was nothing really settled. I told him to do it... but I actually don't think he will because he cares too much about what I think and he knows it would bother me. But the thing that really bothers me is that I don't see why smoking should be a big deal to him.. Any advice would be appreciated...

spitvenom · Apr 17, 2009, 06:36 AM

All I can tell you is every girlfriend who asked me to stop is now an ex girlfriend. The one who said pass it over here when I met her 10 years ago is now my wife.

CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 06:42 AM

There is a difference though and I blaze occasionally myself... but not every week or every day. My boyfriend blazed every day.. even at work sometimes before he met because he said he wasn't happy. He did poorly in his classes and it affected his life. I'm not dead against smoking weed but I am afraid he will go back to a life he was.

artlady · Apr 17, 2009, 06:52 AM

It depends on how he conducts himself in life.If his getting stoned interferes with his work or relationships than he needs to chill.

If he can handle it and it is not his number one recreation and all he ever wants to do than I think its no big deal.

If he has to be stoned to feel happy,I would be concerned as to why he can't be happy without it.

A compromise is what is needed here.

CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 07:01 AM

He was doing it all the time because his ex girlfriend made him very unhappy. Since he has met me, he even said he hasn't needed it so much because he's been happy... but he misses doing it... I have no idea... I am just afraid of him going back to the way it was...

artlady · Apr 17, 2009, 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by CURIOUS08

He was doing it all the time because his ex girlfriend made him very unhappy. Since he has met me, he even said he hasn't needed it so much because he's been happy... but he misses doing it... I have no idea... I am just afraid of him going back to the way it was...

Share your concerns with him,tell him you don't want to see it get out of control.Ask that he just do it with you or at least limit it to not being an everyday thing.
Bottom line,you don't want him lying and you don't want him to feel like he has to do it behind your back.
Share your concerns and take it from there.

nikosmom · Apr 17, 2009, 07:19 AM

Ultimately it will be a decision he will have to make for himself; to do it or not.

It depends on what's at stake for him and if the relationship means more than the habit. He will still have the urges to do it; that's not likely to change. It's just a matter of whether he does or fights it because he wants the relationship with you to work out.

Each person's reasons to do it or not will be different.

You will have to understand that you knew he did this when you met him; even though you didn't know the extent of his use, you knew it was something he enjoyed. I understand your reasons for feeling this way about him doing it at all, but you can not control another person.

CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 07:38 AM

I did know the extent to his use. He told me how often it was... and I told him then maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to go to his house that next day because I was not interested in dating pot heads. He then said he had a good feeling about me and that he wouldn't do it anymore... and that's when he stopped. That would have been our second date and I did express how I felt at first and it was his decision... to keep dating or not. Now he has expressed that it does bother him a bit that he doesn't do it...

CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 07:41 AM

PS: I don't even know if I should bring it up to him again... Like bring up the conversation from last night. Part of me just says to let it be and see what happens. The other part of me says to just tell him to do what he wants.
Another thing he expressed was it bothers him a bit that he doesn't see his friend as much and that was a legitimate thing. His ex girlfriend (when we first started dating) was stalking him, constantly calling... and then proceeds to say I was talking nasty about her and that she's going to come after me. The reason she said this was because I was at a party for my boyfriends mom and was talking outside with another one of his friends. His friend told me what a nut job the ex was and that he was happy to see my boyfriend so happy now... There was a nother party outside that apparently went and told the ex that I was saying stuff... I told my boyfriend that I felt very uncomfortable for him to associate himself with anyone that still associated with the ex... and he said OK because he loved me. I know he misses this guy sometimes... but it's a very uncomfortable situation for me. He just recently expressed the pot and this issue with the argument.

nikosmom · Apr 17, 2009, 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by CURIOUS08

I did know the extent to his use. He told me how often it was... and I told him then maybe it wasn't a good idea for me to go to his house that next day because I was not interested in dating pot heads. He then said he had a good feeling about me and that he wouldn't do it anymore.... and that's when he stopped. That would have been our second date and I did express how I felt at first and it was his decision... to keep dating or not. Now he has expressed that it does bother him a bit that he doesn't do it...

It sounds like he's got some resentment building. Think about it- he gave up something that he loved doing. Then you told him who can associate with. I understand your 'reasons' but you will have to loosen the reigns a bit.

Ever hear the analogy of a relationship being like an egg? You can't hold on too tight...

CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 08:38 AM

Yes, I know but especially with the friend thing.. it's very hard to explain everything. This ex girlfriend is crazy and has made my relationship with him hard at times. She has left me harassing emails on myspace and everything else... I never asked him to change anything... these were all his ideas... and really... if he is going to have resentment over smoking pot... what does that tell me... lol

nikosmom · Apr 17, 2009, 09:01 AM

Originally Posted by CURIOUS08

Yes, I know but especially with the friend thing.. it's very hard to explain everything. This ex girlfriend is crazy and has made my relationship with him hard at times. She has left me harrassing emails on myspace and everything else... I never asked him to change anything... these were all his ideas... and really... if he is going to have resentment over smoking pot... what does that tell me...lol

Exactly!

There are some things that may need to be worked out with this situation. There are also some things that you will have to look at and determine if it's worth the fight.

Looking at the big picture, 5 months is just enough time where the façade is falling down and you're seeing each other in a truer light.

CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 09:06 AM

Lol.. I have pretty much seen him in true light already.. He is way too comfortable with me... and I do have to admit that he does do everything to make me happy. And I am there for him through everything. His car has been in the shop so I have been sacrificing my plans during the week so he can use my car at night to get to class... otherwise he has no car... Also, I sit with him and help him with homework stuff... I am very giving to him... and what bothers me is that he is bothered because he doesn't smoke much anymore...

talaniman · Apr 17, 2009, 09:31 AM

For whatever reasons, this is not love your describing, but him changing to keep you in his life. That will never work, and as you continue with these high expectations, and fail to see you are forcing these changes on him, he will rebel, and you will be wondering why.

Oh sure, its easy to be passive, and think he does it out of love, but its not. He does what you want out of fear, of you leaving, and that's a red flag any way you look at it.

He depends on you, and you use that dependence in a manipulative way, to get what you want. I don't see this as healthy, as he has no room to find his own maturity, which you have way too much influence over.

I don't know what your looking for in him (well I have a good idea) but he sure isn't ready for it, and its only a matter of time, before the small conflicts come to a head, and decisions will have to be made.

Sorry, I don't see you communicating, or working for the same things. You may know what you want, but he surely doesn't.

CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 09:56 AM

WHOA! Wait a minute here.. lol... I NEVER expected anything from him.. nor have I ever asked him to change. This was all HIS doing. I expressed my feelings about the pot when we first met... and it was HIS decision to not smoke anymore. It's very hard to tell me he does not love because you do not have any idea how our relationship is except from this one little instance. He also knows what he wants to the fact that he wants a good woman to stand by him and be there which I am... He wants someone who he can trust and confide him which he does me... he wants to be better with things he does and he wants to be with someone he can see a future with and in fact he has told me that I have been the only girl he can see being with him for the rest of his life. I would saw his head is pretty together with his feelings. And, I would think that expressing how I feel about blazing is adequate... But I guess we are all different and perhaps you like to date someone who smokes to stupidity which is what he did...

talaniman · Apr 17, 2009, 10:18 AM

This has nothing to do with smoking pot. It has everything to do with his ability to grow on his own.

You are far beyond him at this point in life, and he doesn't even know what he wants except what YOU want from him.

That was my point, even though I don't know you, I do see some red flags that I was trying to point out to you.

How can he make decisions for himself when he clearly is motivated to please you, as that's the only way to keep you? His decisions are based on what you want.

Clearly your influencing him to be what you want him to be, and trust me, that has consequences later.

Of course I hope I'm wrong, and he does want the changes you have suggested, as much as you do, but for the right reasons, and not to be dependent on you, and they way you see things. Even if your right, in trying to make him a better person.

He is bothered because he doesn't smoke much anymore...

What do most guys love to do, party with his friends, and enjoy himself. That's what he wants to do. That's how young guys grow into men. Most of us any way.

Your looking to make him a family man, and he is not ready for that.

CURIOUS08 · Apr 17, 2009, 11:59 AM

He's definitely not a partier... the reason for all his smoking in the past was because it made him happy and he was dependent on it. But anyhow, his decisions on what to do were strictly made by him... I never asked him to do anything... they were his advances and ideas.

liz28 · Apr 17, 2009, 03:30 PM

You might not have asked him to do things directly but I guess he is smart enough to read between the lines. Yes, you didn't make him change his ways but he changed his ways to be with you due to your comments.

I couldn't rep you Tal but was told to spread it. Your answers was dead on as always.

Back to Curious, you smoke weed and he wants to so why not compromise and smoke weed together. Case solved!

talaniman · Apr 17, 2009, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by CURIOUS08

:confused:Hello!

I have been dating someone new... 5 months now. We fell inlove pretty fast, but the feelings are all still there and the relationship is amazing. , I am a tad older than him... 6 and a half years... so sometimes things are difficult because he's not quite that mature yet. I am 30.. He is 24. My mind set is to find my special someone and be married.. have a family. He is still finishing up school but eventually down the road wants to be one of those "lucky" people.

, "Remember when I told you I blazed occasionally" and I said yes. He said, "well, it's more like all the time"... With that response I said, "well maybe it's not a good idea I come over there" ... he asked why and I said because I don't date pot heads. With that he told me that he wouldn't do it anymore.. and pretty much he has stuck to his word in the last 5 months.

and he brought up the fact how he changed for me... I told him I never asked him to change and he said he had to or I wouldn't be here. With that he also said that not smoking bothers him a little bit. With my thinking, I felt that if he trully loved me, then it shouldn't bother him at all.... I told him that I didn't mind if he did it occasionally... and by occasionally I mean like once a month or something. Last nite he said that he would like to sometimes and that means for him once a week or something....
He knows how I feel about this. Infact, his mom has been extatic since he has stopped... But, I don't know what to do..... This is where the immaturity comes out on his part. A lot of my friends blaze... and that's fine with me... but those friends are not a boyfriend that I am inlove with. There was nothing really settled. I told him to go ahead and do it... but I actually don't think he will because he cares too much about what I think and he knows it would bother me. But the thing that really bothers me is that I don't see why smoking should be a big deal to him......

You make no overt demands, but plant some seeds in his mind. Its called being passive/ aggressive. Your good at it, like you've done it before, or he doesn't know any better.

A real read flag was that you've only been together 5 months, and already he is jumping through hoops to keep you.

You are using your experience to mold this young fellow, and control him, and frankly, you don't accept who he is. Your in danger of him waking up, and resenting you.

CURIOUS08 · Apr 20, 2009, 06:15 AM

I have to laugh a little at the "red flag" thing. I am not a controlling or manipulative person. And he obviously knows that doing drugs is bad and has tried to quit even before I came into his life. His younger brother in fact started smoking and he has been on top of him about and upset. To tell me that I am good at being controlling and manipulative is pretty low when you don't know me and when that is not the case. He does not jump through hoops... all he cares about is making me happy and according to him, he's the happiest he has ever been.
Not to mention, I have smoked with him. The problem is not the occasional smoking like I said... it's more the doing it all the time. Being high all the time is not who a person really is... is it?
And just to update... we did talk about it this weekend. There is no resentment... just a little miscommunication and everything is A-Okay!