Check out some similar questions!

shortam · Apr 15, 2009, 09:16 AM

My daughter is 10 1/2 and I just went through a divorce. I was separated from my ex for a year and 2 months and didn't date anyone during that time. I started dating my boyfriend 2 months after my divorce finalized. Now.. my daughter was not my ex's biological child.. but my daughter has always been a part of her biological fathers life since she was a baby.. she visits him every other weekend and sometimes 2 weekends in a row. My boyfriend is younger than me, but I don't think she understands that... he is good to her and plays with her and jokes with her, but she gets so angry when we spend time together. I do things with my daughter like took her to Oregon to visit family and take her shopping.. I go to all her soccer games and practices, but she always gets angry when he is around and treats him awful. We have been dating for about 3 months now and I am starting to fall in love with my boyfriend... he is very patient and understands my daughter being angry.. I just don't know what to do to get her to stop being so mean to him. I want her to see he is a really good person.

nitelight198073 · Apr 15, 2009, 09:22 AM

It will take time, have you told her that in no way is this man going to replace her father, but he makes you happy, and when mama happy everyone is happy

shortam · Apr 15, 2009, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by nitelight198073

it will take time, have you told her that in no way is this man going to replace her father, but he makes you happy, and when mama happy everyone is happy

I have told her many times that he makes me happy. Her real father has a girlfriend and has been with her for a year, but my daughter never did this to him. My boyfriend does get frustrated because he see's how much I do for her, but doesn't understand why she treats me so awful. He has never done anything wrong to her and is always playfull with her. I am wondering if we all did something together she might start to see that she is not being pushed out of my life

nitelight198073 · Apr 15, 2009, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by shortam

I have told her many times that he makes me happy. Her real father has a girlfriend and has been with her for a year, but my daughter never did this to him. my boyfriend does get frustrated because he see's how much I do for her, but doesn't understand why she treats me so awful. He has never done anything wrong to her and is always playfull with her. I am wondering if we all did something together she might start to see that she is not being pushed out of my life

You may want to take a weekend trip maybe have fun together maybe that would do it... give it the old college try:)

redhed35 · Apr 15, 2009, 01:49 PM

It could be that liking your boyfriend,would mean she feels she would be disloyal to her dad.she may not have the words to communicate this to you.
It may take a while for her to see that your happy and she does not have to choose between her dad and your boyfriend.

If your boyfriend is being kind and patient with her it will help.

I was just wondering if her dad had a new girlfriend or relationship and if so did he have the same problem?

shortam · Apr 15, 2009, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

it could be that liking your boyfriend,would mean she feels she would be disloyal to her dad.she may not have the words to communicate this to you.
it may take a while for her to see that yur happy and she does not have to choose between her dad and your boyfriend.

if your boyfriend is being kind and patient with her it will help.

i was just wondering if her dad had a new girlfriend or relationship and if so did he have the same problem?

My boyfriend is soooo patient. He sits there and takes everything she says to him.. like "I want him out of my life" she will say that right in front of him.

Her dad has a girlfriend and has been with her for a year already, but she never treated her that way. BTW... my daughter has had an anger problem long before I started dating my BF... I don't think it's him, but I think that now he is in my life she uses him as her excuse to be this way.

artlady · Apr 15, 2009, 03:05 PM

At ten she is old enough to understand that things can change in life and that some changes are for the good.

Have a conversation with her about it and explain that your BF makes you happy.She needs to understand your right to happiness in an adult relationship.It is no way affects your mother daughter relationship.

You might also let her know that even if she does not like the BF,he likes her and any rude behavior toward him is unacceptable.You would not allow her to be rude to another adult and he is no exception.

He might want to take her aside and do something ,just the two of them and ask her why she does not like him.Some of the ball is in his court.

redhed35 · Apr 15, 2009, 03:07 PM

You know your child better then anyone else,she sounds like she would benefit from some councling,and they would be able to give you tips and tools to best deal with her anger.
Pre teen is a hard age,hormones everywhere,and she is lashing out at an easy target.. your boyfriend.. hes doing the best he can,but in the end,you and her father are the best people to support her.

Has she given any indictation or reason why she is so against your boyfriend?

When my kids were that age,the answer was always 'just cause'.

Is she happy in school?
Is she otherwise happy?

shortam · Apr 15, 2009, 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

At ten she is old enough to understand that things can change in life and that some changes are for the good.

Have a conversation with her about it and explain that your BF makes you happy.She needs to understand your right to happiness in an adult relationship.It is no way affects your mother daughter relationship.

You might also let her know that even if she does not like the BF,he likes her and any rude behavior toward him is unacceptable.You would not allow her to be rude to another adult and he is no exception.

He might want to take her aside and do something ,just the two of them and ask her why she does not like him.Some of the ball is in his court.

OMG... that is a really good idea... I try to have those types of conversations with her, but it's usually after she has blown up.. and I get absolutely nowhere. I might try to take her to dinner tonight just the two of us and try to talk to her... but every time I try to start the conversation she always shuts down and refuses to talk about it.. especially if she feels like I am nagging... how could I go about talking about this so that she would get involved in the conversation too?

shortam · Apr 15, 2009, 03:21 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

you know your child better then anyone else,she sounds like she would benefit from some councling,and they would be able to give you tips and tools to best deal with her anger.
pre teen is a hard age,hormones everywhere,and she is lashing out at an easy target..your boyfriend..hes doing the best he can,but in the end,you and her father are the best people to support her.

has she given any indictation or reason why she is so against your boyfriend?

when my kids were that age,the answer was always 'just cause'.

is she happy in school?
is she otherwise happy?

She just tells me that he is mean to her when I am not around... the funny thing is.. they never spend any time alone together.. I am always there so I know what's being said.. there was one night a few nights back that her and I got into an altercation and I said "I can't do this anymore, I am going to go take a bath" so as soon as I left the room I did hear him tell her "you need to respect your mom, she is a great mother and does so much for you" I think she might consider that "mean" but it breaks his heart when he see's her treat me that way also. She was angry before I started dating.. I think now.. she just uses him as an excuse to carry out her anger.

She dislikes school.. she is not doing well.. her grades aren't good.. and I try to get her to do her homework, but it's like pulling teeth.. and then when she gets in trouble by her teacher she blames me and tells me it's my fault that she didn't do her homework... I do notice that she has always had a problem with owning up to her actions... she is quick to blame others for everything that goes wrong... instead of looking at herself in the mirror.

Jake2008 · Apr 16, 2009, 05:12 AM

She is old enough to learn boundaries, expectations, and consequence.

I would give her an outlet to express her anger over your boyfriend, for example, have a meeting with the three of you every Friday over pizza; sit and talk, and really listen to what she has to say.

It could be an accumulation of fears and unresolved issues that you are seeing as a result of divorce. There are counsellors out there to deal with these issues with children that might be worthwhile looking into.

All of it manifests from somewhere. It probably isn't your boyfriend at all, he's just another person to express anger to. With school being a problem as well, she seems like she is floundering with a lot of anger and confusion.

Would she benefit from talking to an impartial counsellor do you think?

What worries me is that she is heading into the teen years, and if there is no understanding or direction now, it is only going to get worse.

shortam · Apr 16, 2009, 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

She is old enough to learn boundaries, expectations, and consequence.

I would give her an outlet to express her anger over your boyfriend, for example, have a meeting with the three of you every Friday over pizza; sit and talk, and really listen to what she has to say.

It could be an accumulation of fears and unresolved issues that you are seeing as a result of divorce. There are counsellors out there to deal with these issues with children that might be worthwhile looking into.

All of it manifests from somewhere. It probably isn't your boyfriend at all, he's just another person to express anger to. With school being a problem as well, she seems like she is floundering with a lot of anger and confusion.

Would she benefit from talking to an impartial counsellor do you think?

What worries me is that she is heading into the teen years, and if there is no understanding or direction now, it is only going to get worse.

I actually took her out to dinner just her and I last night.. we talked and informed her that it's OK to get mad, but she needs to express it in a different manner than yelling or hitting. I have set up an appointment with a counselor next Friday to find out the root of this situation. I know it's not my boyfriend she is angry at, but it still is not right that she treats him so bad. I have figured that spending more one on one time with her will help in this situation, but I still need to seek out some professional advice.

Jake2008 · Apr 16, 2009, 08:43 AM

That's so good to hear. Three cheers to you!

Dealing with this now is good for her and everybody else. Best of luck with the counselling, and the one on one time is really awesome. :)

redhed35 · Apr 16, 2009, 12:22 PM

Hello shortem,good for you,sometimes being a parent can just wear you out,but your heading in the right direction..

Years ago,I think I heard it on Dr.phil,(yeah I know!) but this one little nugget stuck in my head... dont get into a confrontation with your children,try and find a solution to resolve the issue without fighting,don't forget you're the adult and their the child... but if it comes to a unavoidable confrontation----dont lose)..

I applied that to a lot of situations with my daughters,mostly when they became teenagers.I hope all works out for you your relationship and your daughter.

kisstalmeth520 · Apr 17, 2009, 02:38 PM

I went threw this with my mother, after she divorced my father, she had a very nice boyfriend very very nice. However, I could not why she needed a boyfriend seeing her with another man made me feel angry and also like he was taking up too much of her time. Is your daughter an only child?