[anon157]

I have been married going on 15 years this year and have 2 children. Over the past several years I have been neglecting my husband/father duties with outside activities (no drugs, marital issues, just being self centered). I have come to this realization and that my wife deserves better of me. So it is time for a change.

After coming to this realization, I told her such, apologized profusely and told her that if she would let me, I'd like to be that person again. She said she did not intend to leave me anytime soon. She is angry, hurt, lonely.

Please know I take the following seriously and don't want this to sound like a daily checklist. I have been looking at all kinds of relationship resources; books, articles, internet material. Lots of similar information on how to strengthen the relationship with you spouse; talk to her, tell you you love her, say thank you, compliment her, take her on dates, make her laugh/smile, etc. I am making a conscious effort to notice things that I have neglected in the past.

Here is my issue. I realize that this will most likely take a lot of time to mend. When I make the compliments, say thank you, etc. sometimes I get a positive reaction. Sometimes I get, OK what ever you are just saying things to be saying things(checklist theory). I want my wife to know that I truly love her and want to be the person she married.

I don't think it is appropriate to talk like we should in front of the children, so I have been waiting until after their bedtime. In my absence, she has found many of her old friends on Facebook and talk with them on IM. Most nights after putting the children to bed, she is on Facebook messaging or on IM talking. I try to talk, but at times it is between her messages. Part of me wants to say something to her, but at the same time, do I really have the right to do so considering? We do have conversation at other times, but are brief.

Other times I try to do things for her, open doors, clear the table, do the dishes, unload things from the car, etc. Many times I get "I got it" and a frown.

I know I am rambling, but I love my wife and want to make it up to her and feel I am not doing what needs to be done to show her.

Any advice?

Thanks.

[anon157]

Wow. I must have struck an evil note with everyone. Anyway, additional questions. It appears that there is a lot of material when searching the internet. Anyone have any positive experience with any of them; Dr. Ellen Kreidman(Light Her Fire), Michelle Weiner-Davis (Divorce Busting), Richar Vargo (Stop Your Divorce), I can name many others.

At this point, I have to pursue this course of action as I have no "people" alternatives. All of our friends are mutual. I can't talk to my clergy, wife is on staff at our church. Our church is quite large and she is known by many of the members. If I contacted any of them it would be as if I were going behind her back. That I believe would make things even worse.

Respectfully submitted...

[Stringer]

Anon157, It is difficult to know what exactly is bothering her. Trust is probably a major issue with her at this point.

Do you remember an old song by Barbara Streisand? "You don't bring me flowers.....anymore." I think that this is possibly what is going on now... she may feel that you have been indifferent to her and her feelings and now you want to just snap your fingers and everything should be fine all of a sudden. That may not be how you feel, but it could be how she feels. She has filled that emptiness with other activities and she probably isn't willing to let them go only on your word and your recent actions.

I think that you may need some basic re-training if I may say it. I personally know John Gray, author of "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." MarsVenus.com - Home of John Gray, Ph.D.

John may not have all the answers but he has hit on something, men and women ARE different in so many ways. Both need to understand this to understand each other. Women, as I am certain that you realize, are emotional creatures, just as most men aren't. That doesn't mean that the 'tween' can't be met.

When a women starts to lose faith and trust in her relationship she will eventually turn to other things to fulfill her requirement to feel needed and loved.

She may have some contempt for you now and she may want some form of small revenge, her pint of blood so to speak. If you want this to change then you will have to give it to her in some form.

In my opinion I would suggest that you continue to be what you know she wants you to be. Time is the key here I believe, only time will tell if she can come back emotionally and once again have that trust in you. I might add that you don't act artificial and 'get on her nerves,' be sincere, let her know that this is real.

Good luck and if indeed you are sincere, stay the course and... bring her 'flowers.'

Stringer ( And yes, I am a guy... )