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confusicus · Apr 13, 2009, 05:13 PM

I recently went out with a guy I dated a while back. He brought his new girlfriend with him despite my resistance to the idea because we have a lot of unresolved issues (namely our child) to iron out. The whole time we were out, he wouldn't keep his hands off the girlfriend but concentrated most of his attention towards me. What is going on? Does he care so little about my feelings?

confusicus · Apr 13, 2009, 05:18 PM

And yes... I still love him deeply.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 13, 2009, 05:48 PM

That is your issue not his. You have a child together. So you will always have a connection. It is obvious that he has moved on and has a girlfriend now. Him bringing his girlfriend is a way of showing you he is moving on or do you think he still have feelings for you which is understandable considering you have a child together. At the same time it is wishful thinking on your part I think. Honestly, you need to realize that he has moved on. You need to move on as well.

Joe

talaniman · Apr 13, 2009, 06:05 PM

Why would you go along with meeting him... and his g/f? Not me!! His message is clear isn't it?

Was this meeting about you, and him, or just your child? Bet you thought you could talk him into being with you? Would I be right??

More info please, like what was the meeting supposed to be about?

confusicus · Apr 14, 2009, 03:52 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why would you go along with meeting him.................and his g/f?? Not me!!! His message is clear isn't it? Was this meeting about you, and him, or just your child? Bet you thought you could talk him into being with you?? Would I be right???
More info please, like what was the meeting supposed to be about??

>>>The meeting was for him to meet and get to know his 9 year old child... we live in different continents and he was single when we started speaking almost a 10 months ago. I admit I found myself getting emotionally attached again and he did little to discourage it. 3 weeks before the visit, he told me in an email that he'd be accompanied by his g/f (soon to be wife). She was from his past and had re-entered his life 6 months ago, he fell in love again and proposed... he'd clearly forgotten to mention her for that long! Any resistance on my part to her presence was met with accusations of being cruel. I just wanted to avoid any awkwardness and give our child a fair chance to get to know him (and vice versa). Yes, there is also a slight element of the green-eyed monster too! I don't know how much his g/f knows about the situation but conversations are definitely strained.
Refusing to meet would mean any future blame for keeping him and his child apart would lay squarely on me. I didn't want to talk him into being with me but I do want closure for a relationship that ended pre-maturely - just so that I can stop wondering what could have been.

confusicus · Apr 14, 2009, 04:10 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

That is your issue not his. You have a child together. So you will always have a connection. It is obvious that he has moved on and has a girlfriend now. Him bringing his girlfriend is a way of showing you he is moving on or do you think he still have feelings for you which is understandable considering you have a child together. At the same time it is wishful thinking on your part I think. Honestly, you need to realize that he has moved on. You need to move on as well.

Joe

Thanks Joe. Moving on is not easy when you know your lives will always be entwined by a child. The g/f has only been on the scene for a few months and he's proposed already, which clearly says to me that we could never be. His child doesn't know him and does not want to be with him if I'm not there. I don't want to play happy families.
What baffles me is that he won't let me move on too by sending me these mixed messages and it hurts to see him with her. Should I just cut communications and allow our child to seek him out when old enough?

talaniman · Apr 14, 2009, 05:49 PM

should I just cut communications and allow our child to seek him out when old enough?

Please do NOTHING to turn your child against this man. Let him find out the truth, when he is old enough to understand on his own, without your influence.

Teaching a child to hate is child abuse. Just raise him right, and he will make his own decisions.

confusicus · Apr 16, 2009, 05:51 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Please do NOTHING to turn your child against this man. Let him find out the truth, when he is old enough to understand on his own, without your influence.
Teaching a child to hate is child abuse. Just raise him right, and he will make his own decisions.

What I meant to say by 'cut communications' was not to imply that I intend to turn the child against him. If anything, I have done my best to encourage a relationship between them off my own back and the father has done nothing over the years to make contact... I did. As for our son, he was rather reluctant to take his father in.
Cutting communications just meant that I will step aside (I have done the introductions and passed on all information to them both)... and allow them to make their relationship work without too much interference from me (as the adult, a lot of that will lie with the father). I'm sure it is understandable that I would be a little bit concerned about our son lucking out when it comes to his father's relationships (the two new relationships he is balancing at the moment!)... no parent wants to see their child feeling let down by the other and I would be the one picking up the pieces.

talaniman · Apr 16, 2009, 07:14 PM

Thanks for making that clear, and I know its one heck of a balancing act. I don't envy you at all, but your ex is the one missing his opportunities with his own child, and will be the one to answer for it, in the future.

Just do your best, under some terrible circumstances, and your son will do what he does about it when he comes of age, and decides his own actions.

Have faith in your teaching him to be a good human being.

confusicus · Apr 19, 2009, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Thanks for making that clear, and I know its one heck of a balancing act. I don't envy you at all, but your ex is the one missing his opportunities with his own child, and will be the one to answer for it, in the future.

Just do your best, under some terrible circumstances, and your son will do what he does about it when he comes of age, and decides his own actions.

Have faith in your teaching him to be a good human being.

I agree and thank you very much. We managed to get some time alone with him (without his fiancee) and clear up only a few of the issues... after years of absence from my life, we only managed to graze the surface.
I needed an explanation as to why I ended up bringing up our child alone. The circumstances under which he left were unfortunate and he'd promised to be back soon - days turned to months then years... during that time, he got married, then divorced after a year, stayed single for a year and is trying his luck again with someone else. Having said that, he isn't a shining role model for our child when it comes to relationships.
A part of me wishes I had let sleeping dogs lie but I'm also glad to know that we were never meant to be - that's why he quickly met and proposed to someone else months after we'd been in touch again. Maybe now I can now put that book to the back of the shelf and move on. He offered to start financially supporting his son from January but we haven't received a penny.