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john_kingston · Apr 9, 2009, 03:13 AM

My girlfriend and I had an argument 3 weeks ago. Then the next day after the argument, she went back to her home country for 3 weeks, so the argument was never settled. During these 3 weeks, we still talked online everyday. At first, she said she is confused about her feelings but towards the end of those 3 weeks she said she is sure she lost her feelings for me. She came back yesterday and I took my friend's advice, went to meet her at the airport with roses. She didn't look excited and actually reacted rather coldly. She said when she saw me she didn't think I am special anymore. It's just like a friend picking her up at the airport. When we got home, I apologised for the argument. She said she really appreciate it but she thinks it is not the argument itself that bothered her. It's just that it prompted her to think about our relationship and she thinks we are just not meant to be together. She also told me that during those 3 weeks, she didn't miss me and she realized I don't give her the happiness that her family and friends back home give her (I was like duh... we're only together for 3-4 months but of course I didn't say that out). After saying all that she said she wants to breakup with me. I knew it is pointless to explain my position further, so I just agreed to the breakup and she said she knows that we'll still be good friends. She left again today for another 3 weeks. I sent her a letter saying I am feeling fine and respect her decision to separate now. I also attached a photo of us to the letter (she wanted that photo before she went home 3 weeks away). She then texted me and said "thank for the letter and photo. hope to talk to you soon".

I know I have to cut off contact with her now (she doesn't really have internet/phone access now anyway). But I am just wondering what should I do when she is back? Should I talk with her normally and treat her as a friend and see what happens? Is it still worth trying? Also, another complication is that we are going to share a flat together with 3 of my friends next year. Even when we were in a relationship, she told me she was unsure about staying with me and my friends next year, but since she wanted to stay with me so much she said she didn't mind. When she said we are breaking up, I asked her if she has changed her mind. She told me she is still going to stay with us because she thinks she should keep her promise and she doesn't feel anything will be strange. I just feel this is not right... how can we share a flat when we have broken up (even though there'll be 3 other people around)?

I'm just totally confused now! Any thoughts will be very helpful! By the way, we were only together for 3-4 months and this is both our first relationships.

P.S. today she needed help with something and texted my friend to help her. My friend told me she asked him how I am doing in her text. Does this mean anything? It has been NC for more than a week now.

talaniman · Apr 9, 2009, 06:12 AM

Face the facts, her feelings have changed, and so have your circumstances, and any plans you have.

Make the right adjustments for yourself, by accepting its over, and stopping all contact until your over this.

As for living with her, (with friends) not a good idea, until you have moved beyond hoping to get her back.

john_kingston · Apr 9, 2009, 08:59 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Face the facts, her feelings have changed, and so have your circumstances, and any plans you have.

Make the right adjustments for yourself, by accepting its over, and stopping all contact until your over this.

As for living with her, (with friends) not a good idea, until you have moved beyond hoping to get her back.

Thanks. But this is both our first relationships. So we are really inexperienced. I kind of have a feeling that moving on like this is giving up, especially when this is like the first problem in our relationship. There is seriously no point in trying again? If I do move on, should I stay friends with her? I am puzzled about the friends part because so many people seem to say you can't stay friends with an ex after a breakup but I don't really understand why :confused:

MiSSsy111222 · Apr 9, 2009, 09:24 AM

Moving on is not giving up - its letting go. You didn't give up, she did. Therfore she is the loser.

Don't try again, her feelings are not the same as yours. Instead of trying again focus on moving on.

It's hard staying friends with someone you have feelings for, that's why we don't recommend it because it takes longer to heal.

I wish · Apr 9, 2009, 10:52 AM

The first serious relationship is always the hardest one to let go. One reason is that you're unsure of when it's time to let go. From experience, we can tell you the time is now.

I know that you still really like her and you feel that there's more that you can do. But she gave up already, so there's nothing you can do. She didn't even leave any doors open for you. I suggest you start healing from this experience before you start living together. Because if you really do live together, it's going to be tough.

Here's a complete list of things to do during no contact:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

RIrwin · Apr 9, 2009, 10:56 AM

It totally sucks hearing this, but the best thing you can do for yourself is keep to yourself. Don't talk to her at all it will show her that she needs to accept the consequences of her actions, and that means not being able to have you. She's the one that decided the relationship was over not you and because of that you have ended on top. It might not seem like it, but you have. You will never have to look back and think what if we hadn't broke up, that was her decision thus that is her burden. I wish you the best of luck and get out there and meet new people and go to the gym, both will help you to move on.

john_kingston · Apr 9, 2009, 02:22 PM

Originally Posted by RIrwin

Don't talk to her at all it will show her that she needs to accept the consequences of her actions, and that means not being able to have you.

So when I see her again, how should I treat her? What do I do if she initiate contact with me? Like text me or I'm me? We are in college together so chances are I will bump into her a lot...

Romefalls19 · Apr 9, 2009, 02:30 PM

John, read my story(a long time ago) about how to handle bumping into your ex. I saw my ex easily, 4 days a week because we worked today, went 6 solid months with NC. If conversation had to happen, it was quick and to the point. Avoid the awkward pauses and just stay on the NC train.

By the way, moving on isn't giving up, it's being strong enough to realize that something better is out there.

MiSSsy111222 · Apr 9, 2009, 02:57 PM

Ignore her if she does contact you, it will only prolong your healing.

You have some options on how you act when you see her.

1# Act normal, and make conversation (warning this may hurt to hear about what new with her)

2# smile politly and carry on

3# ignore her and act like she doesn't exist.

Personally I would stick to 2 or 3. if you act normal with her she will think you want friendship, and trust me it will be hard. Number 2 and 3 are best for yourself.

john_kingston · Apr 29, 2009, 02:36 AM

OK. So I did NC for 3 weeks. After that time, I am feeling OK and much better. The girl contacted me and I tried to keep minimal contact with her until now (e.g. just talked a little bit online and when I bumped into her, I say hi and get on with my own business). Then yesterday, she asked me online whether I want to have lunch together and she will treat me. Should I go? Is she just trying to be extra friendly?

kctiger · Apr 29, 2009, 06:04 AM

I would be cautious of this if I were you. It is up to you, but I will say that women are naturally evil and will suck the life out of you like a vampire if you let them... just saying (and I know I will take heat for this).

No one really knows her motives. I think it depends on how you want to handle yourself and what you expect (hopefully NOTHING) as to how you decide on what to do here. Do you want to grab a bite with her? A free lunch ain't worth a few weeks of confusion, to me, at least.

Romefalls19 · Apr 29, 2009, 08:04 AM

Nope not worth the confusion, perhaps try and reschedule for a later time. I wouldn't want my head a mess because I got a meal from someone.

talaniman · Apr 29, 2009, 08:31 AM

I suspect she is trying to put you in the friend zone, to keep you in her life. Not for dating, or romance, but because she doesn't want to be lonely, and is free to follow her own interest, should something better come up.

Without know her motives, you have no facts for a decision. So fair warning, going into something as innocent as lunch together, with high hopes, and expectations, will have consequences to you later, so don't just jump into this because of your feelings, and false hopes.

Matter of fact, why you simply didn't ask her why she wants to treat you for lunch, escapes me, as that would have been my first question.

Give this some thought, before you take action. I think she is trying to get you to stay in touch myself. Why? Only she really knows. But she does know that this will tweak your interests again. For sure since you have been NC for a few weeks, she is apt to be curious as to what's on your mind. What better way to find that out?

(This is where your false hope, raises your expectations. )

john_kingston · Apr 29, 2009, 10:52 AM

I asked her why she wants to treat me for lunch. She said it's because she got her first salary from her first part-time job. Does this clarify anything? Lol I still don't know what to do. But I have told her I am busy this week, so maybe next week or something and she said OK.

talaniman · Apr 29, 2009, 11:47 AM

Don't you know after a break up, the last thing you need is, to see more into gestures of friendship, than is really practical.

When you do, that's a sure sign of needing more time to heal.

Talaniman Rule- If you can't be friends, leave them alone, period.

Romefalls19 · Apr 29, 2009, 12:08 PM

I love Tal's rules, they are spot on. Once you get into that friends zone, you're in it for life.