[Michelle Bell]

I live in Texas, am a retired schoolteacher and have a girl (35), boy (!8) in college, and a 2nd grade boy - I know,all over the map. I have a very good marriage. My daughter is a corporate bancruptcy lawyer in Manhattan. I do love my children so much & let them know, but I now sit & cry about once a week. Because my oldest daughter does not communicate with me on a regular basis. She has a backberry - I send her an email every couple of days. I leave messages on her phone. I would like to hear from her once a week. She has recently gone through a divorce and is now seriously involved with another man and I know that and a high paced job keep her very busy. But I am sooo distraught over not being much of a part of her life that I feel like writing her an enigmatic email - like "I am taking a month off from communicating. Just want to meditate and think things over. Call if there are any problems you need me for, but otherwise talk to you in a month." I know there is something immature in such an approach, but this is someone I love and must get along with and so just getting her attention and then showing her what it's like is what I feel like doing now. Yes, I have said little things to her, and she metaphorically hangs her head and tells me she is sorry she gets so busy. But this is breaking my heart. Please advise.

[kp2171]

If this were a relationship with a man, most people would say you are being clingy and needy, and they would say you need to back way off.

As a parent myself (20 year old out of the house, 2 year old still in diapers), I understand the relationship with a child is, of course, different. Its your job to worry, wonder, and want to help. But still, even though she is your child, I think you are still clinging a little too much. At least too much for the way she is living her life.

Are you more upset now that your son has gone off to college and you are left with just the one little one? Have you wrapped most of your identity around being a parent, and lost a little of being your own person?

If the answer is no, that this isn't an "emptier nest" syndrome, and that you are fulfilled enough with your life outside of being a parent... that you are simply missing her like mad... I don't know what to say.

I know when I left home I spent a lot of time focused solely on my interests, and neglected, unintentionally, those relationships that had helped me along the way. Sounds like in her case it is compounded by all she has to do.

I think you need to find a way to let go a little, and the way you are describing it sounds like you want to punish her a little emotionally, either to get her to find some middle ground, or to let her know you are hurt.

I don't think trying to make her feel guilty is going to help this relationship... on her side or yours. I think you need to find a way to back off, to let go a little, and to let her live her life. Being in contact less than you would like does not mean she loves you any less. She is wrapped up in her own world. It happens. You are too wrapped up in her world and need to find a way to let go a little without feeling you are loving her less.

Not to get all corny here, but there is a piece called "on children" that true when dealing with the differences between parent and child.

Your children
Are not your children
They are the sons and the daughters of life
Longing for itself

They come through you
But are not from you
And though they are with you
They belong not to you

You can give them your love
But not your thoughts
They have their own thoughts
They have their own thoughts

You can house their bodies
But not their souls
For their souls dwell in a place
Of tomorrow
Which you cannot visit
Not even in your dreams

You can strive to be like them
But you cannot make them just like you
Strive to be like them
But you cannot make them just like you

[s_cianci]

I think you're making more out of this than it deserves. You've said yourself, she's busy with her job, is involved with a new man and live a considerable distance from you. I'm sure she loves you but doesn't have the time to call or e-mail once a week. Maybe you have too much time on your hands? Get a part-time job, travel, volunteer, anything that's interesting and fulfilling to you. As a retiree you have that luxury so take advantage of it. That'll take your focus off your daughter and feeling sorry for yourself that she doesn't contact you more often.

[talaniman]

I'm sitting in almost the same boat as you as I'm retired in Texas with grown kids but Have made the empty nest adjustment and stay busy when I can. Also I have a bunch of GRANDKIDS to keep me busy. Back-off from your kids for a while and organise your life around your child and husband and do some of the things you never had a chance to, or volunteer at a church or get involved with social groups. Let your daughter deal with her life and she will call just don't sit around waiting. Now go get a life.

[Sunshine4U]

Michelle,
On the other side of this coin I have to say that sometimes Moms aren't the place that most daughters naturally turn to when they want to talk about something. Moms are comforting and we turn to them when we are upset or need reassurance. I am sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I think that when things are going well in your daughter's life you may hear less from her.

[Taukame]

This is not really an answer to this post, just some thoughts on the subject. I realized after reading the post that my Mom may miss me. This has never occurred to me. She has always been there for me, strong, capable, and independent and I never thought she would need me to be there for her. It's amazing how the people we always turn to for help and support, we never think that they need it sometimes too. As an adult daughter, thanks for the reminder!!