[cozyk]

Yeah I tend to agree I just can't seem to find the courage to do what needs to be done, what the hell is my problem. I feel like a huge part of my life is dead if I do this. She said we could file without a lawyer and just go in front of a judge but I think at least I need to get one involved to protect my best interest. She said we can be civil and agree on what to do with the kids which is a huge step from where we were a month ago.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this pain. Notice I said "through" this pain. You will come out the other side. Now, she does not want you to get a lawyer because she is depending on your good nature to make it easy on her. She on the other hand has shown herself to not be very trust worthy. Get yourself a lawyer asap. How old are your kids? Boys or girls? Do you feel equipped to take the major responsibility of raising them? I was 10 when my parents got divorced. My 2 sisters and I were terrified that my dad would get custody. My mother had the affair and later married this man. But, I knew that MY dad did not have a clue how to raise us. What we needed. What to teach us. But, that was just my dad.

[Angrychair]

I have a son 13 and a daughter 6 and step 28 but she is married with 3 kids of her own. I am well equipped to take care of my children and consider the opportunity a honor. Nothing means more to me than my children. Neither of my children want to go with her but the way my state laws are written its almost certain that she will get my daughter and that I can't bare the thought of. My older daughter has told me of the life she had growing up and hell will freeze over before I let my youngest go through that.

[Meredith1978]

She doesn't want you to get a lawyer because she is getting one first. Go to divorce thread and ask how many people heard "don't get a lawyer, we will file together." Heck, my ex-husband said that. It just means she doesn't have the retainer yet.

[Angrychair]

I know she isn't working so a lawyer for her isn't possible except maybe legal aide. I have been playing it cool and trying to help her with incidentals to try and keep the peace but I can't finance her forever.

[cozyk]

I know she isnt working so a lawyer for her isnt possible except maybe legal aide. I have been playing it cool and trying to help her with incidentals to try and keep the peace but I can't finance her forever.

Do you have joint checking and savings? You might want to open your own acct. and transfer money to it. She could go in and take large sums of cash.

[talaniman]

Step away from the computer, and TALK with some legal counsel, and get a plan going.

Why should she need a lawyer, when she can disrespect you, and make you go along with her program, without one??

[cozyk]

I have a son 13 and a daughter 6 and step 28 but she is married with 3 kids of her own. I am well equipped to take care of my children and consider the opportunity a honor. Nothing means more to me than my children. Neither of my children want to go with her but the way my state laws are written its almost certain that she will get my daughter and that I can't bare the thought of. My older daughter has told me of the life she had growing up and hell will freeze over before I let my youngest go through that.

I believe that your kids would be in good hands with you. Why would your daughter stand a bigger chance of going with that crazy woman than your son? Just because she is a girl? Even the grown daughter would probably testify against her if it came to that. I believed it 40 years ago and I believe it now, that I feel the court should ask the KIDS who they want to live with. I think that should carry a lot of weight. I know in my case, I prayed that my wants and needs meant something.

[Justwantfair]

I know she isnt working so a lawyer for her isnt possible except maybe legal aide. I have been playing it cool and trying to help her with incidentals to try and keep the peace but I can't finance her forever.

If I recall your situation correctly, doesn't that mean that you are helping to support the other man??

That is to keep the peace?

[DoulaLC]

I believe that your kids would be in good hands with you. Why would your daughter stand a bigger chance of going with that crazy woman than your son? Just because she is a girl? Even the grown daughter would probably testify against her if it came to that. I believed it 40 years ago and I believe it now, that I feel the court should ask the KIDS who they want to live with. I think that should carry a lot of weight. I know in my case, I prayed that my wants and needs meant something.

Unless the mother was proven unfit... and having an affair does not constitute being unfit... as a spouse, yes, but not as a parent, he is correct... odds are good his daughter would remain with her mother. The 13 year old may be asked for his input, depending on where they live, but it won't usually carry a great deal of weight on its own merit. In some situations it would be nice for the kids to have more say so, but young children should not be asked to choose between their parents, and that could be difficult for an older child as well. It would not be unlikely that a child would tend to side with the more lenient parent, not necessarily who would provide a more stable environment.

Having an affair, and not knowing what she wants in her relationships, does not make the mother crazy. Disrespectful... sure, unfaithful... no question, but not crazy. The OP does sound like a loving and caring father... but so too may be the mother to her children, and obviously we only hear one side of the story.

Retaining a lawyer is of the utmost importance... doing so before the wife may also result in some benefit. If there are documented incidences of instability or less than sound judgement on the mother's part in the past, that will be presented. If there isn't, it then becomes a case of "he said" "she said", which is all too common in divorce proceedings.

[artlady]

Here is the latest example of having your cake and eating it too. She wants a divorce now but she wants to stay at our house she wants to keep my name and she wants to be a couple but shes tired of being married

She wants seems to be the prevalent theme in this marriage.
The bottom line is in life,No one always gets what they want ,especially at the expense of others.
As has been stated,she is the one leaving the marriage and she should be the one who has to suffer the repercussions of her choice and her total lack of moral character.

Your behavior has been above reproach and I think if you were to fight this in court she would be looked upon very badly,and clearly not someone who is deserving of anything!

I say its time to put on your boxing gloves and begin to fight for your rights!

[artlady]

I have a son 13 and a daughter 6 and step 28 but she is married with 3 kids of her own. I am well equipped to take care of my children and consider the opportunity a honor. Nothing means more to me than my children. Neither of my children want to go with her but the way my state laws are written its almost certain that she will get my daughter and that I can't bare the thought of. My older daughter has told me of the life she had growing up and hell will freeze over before I let my youngest go through that.

If your step daughter is willing to put her statement in writing ,it may very well have an impact on the outcome of custody.
In the past,custody was almost certain to go to the mother but things have changed dramatically.
The court will look at who can best provide.
She is not working.
Who has been providing and in some cases trying to keep the children in a lifestyle and environment they are accustomed to.
There is also the issue that she left her children on numerous occasions to be with the BF.

His past should be looked into as well.What type of influence will he be in the children's life?
What is his history?
As has been said,getting a lawyer is long overdue.Be proactive, as clearly.she will stop at nothing to get her way.Stop her before she takes anything more from you!

[cozyk]

Unless the mother was proven unfit... and having an affair does not constitute being unfit... as a spouse, yes, but not as a parent, he is correct... odds are good his daughter would remain with her mother. The 13 year old may be asked for his input, depending on where they live, but it won't usually carry a great deal of weight on its own merit.

I've been there, done that. I was 10, my sisters were 12 and 8. We KNEW who would be the more capable parent. Maybe all kids don't but there were no doubts in our mind that we should go with our mother. It made me furious that no one ask ME what I wanted. Children don't have a voice. I think that is so wrong. You better believe I use my voice now.

In some situations it would be nice for the kids to have more say so, but young children should not be asked to choose between their parents, and that could be difficult for an older child as well. It would not be unlikely that a child would tend to side with the more lenient parent, not necessarily who would provide a more stable environment.

This is always a possibility. My point is, what will it hurt to hear them out. You can tell when a child is earnest and when they are b.s.ing.

Having an affair, and not knowing what she wants in her relationships, does not make the mother crazy. Disrespectful... sure, unfaithful... no question, but not crazy. The OP does sound like a loving and caring father... but so too may be the mother to her children, and obviously we only hear one side of the story.

I beg to differ. Having the affair is not what makes her crazy. What makes her crazy is that she thinks she can continue the affair AND still be married to him and reap the benefits that her marriage brings to her. She is crazy because she is in the wrong YET, she still wants to call the shots.

Retaining a lawyer is of the utmost importance... doing so before the wife may also result in some benefit. If there are documented incidences of instability or less than sound judgement on the mother's part in the past, that will be presented. If there isn't, it then becomes a case of "he said" "she said", which is all too common in divorce proceedings.

The grown daughter may or may not have documented proof. But, she has stated that living with her mother was not a good situation.

[Jake2008]

AngryChair, I'm going to be totally honest with you here.

I think there is something more going on here for you not to move to protect yourself and your children legally.

This whole situation is starting to feel very werid to me.

There is no reason on this earth why you would put up with the behaviour of your wife, unless she has something hanging over your head.

Am I wrong? Or is there something you are waiting for before you finally make concrete steps to end the marriage.

[Angrychair]

No Jake she has nothing on me. After all of the horrid stuff that has been done and all the pain has been dealt, I guess in a nutshell I don't want to let her go I know it needs to be done but I just can't come to grips with the fact that's things are what they are and the won't change ever. I still consider myself married and I have tried every conceivable way to get my marriage back. I know that its over I know I need to begin to heal and that it won't happen till she is gone. I have sought legal council and he has given me the divorce scenario and what I can expect which is basically a 50/50 split of everything. I have secured my finances so as to shield myself and my kids. Her bags have been packed for a week and sitting in our/her room just waiting to be loaded. The only thing that remains is to actually ask her to leave which I just can't seem to do. I still care about her and I don't want her to be on the street. She will not move in with him or so she says. I have told her that if she is in love with him and is always there why not just take the next step and live with him. Honestly she is getting no aide from me so what is he advantage for staying?

[Angrychair]

My friends I have not ignored you and I have sought legal council. My situation is a weird one I agree but trust me your advice has been the topic of many of mine and her conversations and I have brought up many of your very valid points. I don't expect you to agree with how Ive handled this mess I just want to vent and cry at times. Please don't judge me just listen like the friends I know you are.

[cozyk]

Just know that you and your kids, even your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. It is a rough road ahead on everyone and I pray for the easiest, smoothest transition as possible. My mom cheated on my dad , but I NEVER heard him speak badly about her. He sure could have. That left me feeling a great deal of respect for him. He even admitted that maybe he did not contribute what he should have to her. That may not be the case for you, but you seem like a very good man AND your children will recognize this. If not now, certainly in hind site. And what is more valuable than our children admiring and respecting us? I see good things in your future because good begets good.
Take care.

[Jake2008]

AngryChair,

Nobody here that cares enough to post is judging you. Many of us have been in situations with cheating spouses, or we have a friend/relative etc. who has gone through something similar.

What you don't seem to understand here, or at least enough to get you moving, is that your happiness, and your children's happiness, and their future, depend upon you making decisions. They see her come and go, they see her bags packed but not gone. They see the moods, the upset, depression. They feel the lonliness, despair, and abandonment from their mother.

They, like many children, have hope. They do not accept it is over until they are not only told, but shown. Until that happens, you are really only prolonging this state of confusion for them.

It would be easier on them to see that it is over, and learn to cope and adjust and go on, than it is to remain silent, but desperate to have their lives back to the way they were. Which of course, cannot happen. Kids just can't put all your and your wife's emotional baggage into a perspective that allows them to understand any of this. It is harmful, to them.

We all know you love your children, no doubt about that. We also know you love your wife, no doubt about that either. But, love will not mend this marriage, the marriage was over a long time ago, and both of you know it. Many have loved, but learned they cannot sustain a marriage on hope and promise. Love is just simply not enough.

In my opinion, I would take your wife's belongings, put them in your car, drive them over to the boyfriends house, and leave them on the front porch.

I would then instruct your lawyer to contact her through her last known address, which is her boyfriends house. (afterall she's there six days a week right?).

Have him register a letter stating that any and all future contact will be done through the lawyer. Period. That includes visitation with the children. File for temporary custody until the issues of custody and visitation can be addressed in court. Protect your children.

Document any activity, i.e. phone calls, letters etc. Do not respond to any of them, give them to your lawyer.

Go and buy yourself a case of beer or a nice bottle of wine, change the locks of the door, put the kids off to bed, sit in a comfortable place, and think about enjoying your future, which is going to be the total opposite to what your past has been, and will only continue to get better.

You really can do this AngryChair.

[Angrychair]

I know it is to soon right now but I have a friend that seems to have taken an interest in me all of a sudden. Would it be inappropriate to talk to her about this situation and have a human shoulder to cry on or just let things go until this situation with my soon to ex is over

[Justwantfair]

I personally think your emotions are all over the place, dating isn't the option, but if you feel comfortable finding someone to talk to, that is nice, but you have to file for divorce FIRST.

Two wrongs, won't make this right. Don't stoop to that level.

[Jake2008]

While it may feel good to have some face to face talking going on, it should, for now, be reserved for your counsellor.

A relationship that ends takes time to recover from. To become dependent upon others emotionally, before you learn how to have strength on your own, is not a good idea. I think someone at a professional 'distance', at least for the time being, is a safer course of action for you right now.

Besides which, there is a lot of work to be done first. As someone said (I wish I could remember who, it was very wise I thought), you'll have plenty of time to cry after you get your life in order first.