[Romefalls19]

Just a quick question, lately my fiancé has been really stressed out with things. It has had me feeling on edge and the feeling of being unable to communicate my issues with her. Normally we can talk things out rationally, but with the added stress of things going on with the 2 little girls and their father. For those of you new, he was a long time heroin addict and was clean for a few months(after rehab) and then relapsed just last month. Well he was to have no contact with the girls as it's taken a HUGE emotional toll on them and didn't feel it was best for them to continue seeing him. We are currently looking into lawyers and counselors for the girls and custody to help out(Supervised visits). The stress comes from his parents trying to talk her into seeing him and talking to him, as well as the girls misbehaving and not listening to us.

A quick thing about me, I am extremely private. I put the weight on my shoulders and won't talk about what's bothering me until it boils over. I know it's not good, but it runs in my family(dad's side)

Now, since talking can sometimes be taken out of context and such, do you think perhaps writing a letter with things that have been bothering me would be a bad idea? Or would it help open up the lines of communication to resolve underlying issues?

[starlite1]

Hi Rome!

Writing a letter to your finace isn't a bad thing. I know she and her daughters are going through a tough time, and you have a lot on your mind but you don't want to 'bother' her. You should be able to communicate what's on your mind to her, but I think because she is under so much stress, a letter is a real nice way to go about it.

[starlite1]

Not to pry at all, but do you feel like sharing what it is that is on your mind? Perhaps we can help take some of the stress from you.

[Romefalls19]

Thanks Starlite,

I do have a lot going inside my head and do feel as though I would burden her if I did just brought it up to her. It's tough, because in my family it's always been that the guy puts it all on their shoulders and just waits for things to get better

[Romefalls19]

I feel as though she is getting distant from me, maybe due from the stress? She has become short with me as of late, which I can understand. There has also been a lot of talk about "when she will she her family again"(she's from California) and she compares Jersey to California a lot. When I asked if she would like to go back there, she says no. A couple of friends of mine are pregnant and during a get together, asked if we were going to have a child. And we stated after we get married(which was already agreed between us before then) and then she was weary of how she would feel about another child, although she states she wants to have one with me. Planning a wedding has also been on her mind, and lately she's saying it's going to be a huge headache and distraction, mainly because she has to get addresses for her family in California and knows 85% of them won't attend. Sometimes she seems really excited, sometimes she seems like she doesn't care.

My guess is it's a lot of stress on her and I'm not exactly sure what I can do to help and if my reservations are valid and cause for alarm or if they are unfounded and absurd.

[starlite1]

Sweetie, your feelings of concern and reservations are valid of course. I don't blame you for wanting to talk and find out what is goingon in her mind. You have every right to voice your concerns. Actually though? I know she is under stress, but so are you. You may want to forego the letter and speak with her in person. These are really important topics and are weighing heavily on your mind. Perhaps you can write a letter to start the conversation. For instance: 'Sweetie (or a name that you call her) I know you have a lot going on, but I really would like to talk to you. This way, you've expressed that you need to talk, but you are also taking her stress into consideration.

[Romefalls19]

I think I might do that, just say something like. Hunnie, I know you are under a lot of stress lately but I would really like to talk to you about some things when the time is right for you.


How does that sound? You're right it has been weighing extremely heavy on my mind, having uncomfortable sleep for the past week.

[starlite1]

I think that is perfect. Even though she is under stress, you have a right to speak your mind and concerns. Remember, it's all about communication.

[jjwoodhull]

My opinion, write the letter - but don't give it to her. Write the letter when you are by yourself and out of the house. Writing it down will help you to organize your thoughts. Read it over several times. Be sure that you have found a way to express yourself clearly and logically.

Once you have your feelings clear, destroy the letter and go talk to her.

[slapshot_oi]

Sh*t man, I really wish I could help you but I've never been in that situation.

Like jjwoodhull mentioned, at least write the letter and keep it to yourself so you can express your emotions clearly.

[Romefalls19]

Yea, I've been working on the letter for awhile and she called me on break and talked for a bit and eased my mind a bit with things she said.

I have to organize my thoughts a little better for when we do sit down and talk. We have the weekend to ourselves this coming weekend. I'm planning a trip to Atlantic City and going to have fun with just the two of us

[starlite1]

Just a suggestion, Rome. You may want to talk with her before the weekend, so once the weekend arrives, you can have your mind at ease to have some well deserved fun together.

[Romefalls19]

Yep, I am planning on talking to her about it tomorrow or the next evening. After dinner and during the relaxing period, no one would want to talk right after work, worst possible timing.

[Wondergirl]

Yep, I am planning on talking to her about it tomorrow or the next evening. After dinner and during the relaxing period, no one would want to talk right after work, worst possible timing.

When you talk with her, don't add yourself to her list of stresses. Think of a different way to spin your concerns so the conversation isn't all about you and your insecurities. You said she already has on her plate:

1. 2 little girls who misbehave in reaction to all that's going on
2. their father. A long-time heroin addict who has relapsed
3. his lack of contact with his daughters
4. looking for lawyers and counselors for the girls
5. supervised visits/custody arrangements to be made
6. his parents trying to talk her into seeing him and talking to him

That's a lot on her plate. She doesn't need to add you as a side dish. Be there for her as dessert instead. How you help her handle the list above makes you dessert.

Perhaps go the library and check out some books on activities you can do with the girls to help relieve their stress (and yours too along the way). Have fun with them -- (depending on their ages) do sticker pictures (on a sheet of printer paper draw a horizon line and then add all sorts of stickers--sun, animals, people, toys--with pencil-drawn buildings, pond, wagon, etc. then tell a story about the picture or even tell it as you apply stickers. Or do role-play with them, dressing up with bath towels as a cape, hats, Mom's old skirt or shoes, etc. Read books together. Any mother would bless you for helping out with her children.

Vent to us--not to her, not right now. Find a real-life person to vent to and to talk with, a professional such as a minister or priest or even a counselor.

[Romefalls19]

I do a lot with the girls, so that's not an issue. All of her issues are ones we are tackling together, as a couple. I get off work at 4, she gets off at 6. In that time, I pick up the girls from daycare, do their homework, usually do wash, take the oldest to tee-ball, clean up the rooms, give the girls some time to play after their homework is done and then she comes home. His lack of contact with the girls is our doing as we feel it's the best course of action right now.

I am handling the situation with his parents as well now. She spoke with them about the visitation situation and then we talked about it and told them that these are our wishes. If they cannot adhere to them then we will have to rethink the visitation the grand parents are getting.

[starlite1]

You are doing a great job, Rome!

[Romefalls19]

Thanks Star, also Wonder, I hope you didn't take that post as aggressive, re reading it I do think it may have come off as such and if it did I apologize. I understand her stresses, completely but also need everyone to understand I'm not being an insensitive jerk and letting her tackle things by herself. I am doing what every couple should do, handle their problems together. Her problems are my problems, and that's the way I have always went into relationships. I will do my best to help out in any way I can, when she gets snippy with me, I back off and give her space to calm down. I don't press issues and am always there for her. When she is stressed like she is now, I offer to rub her back or feet to help her relax. But I also realize I can't just erase my problems or thoughts on my mind just because of it, it's not fair to her or I. If I do that, it will only build until I blow up, which is what I don't want to do.

[Wondergirl]

Thanks Star, also Wonder, I hope you didn't take that post as aggressive, re reading it I do think it may have come off as such and if it did I apologize. I understand her stresses, completely but also need everyone to understand I'm not being an insensitive jerk and letting her tackle things by herself. I am doing what every couple should do, handle their problems together. Her problems are my problems, and that's the way I have always went into relationships. I will do my best to help out in any way I can, when she gets snippy with me, I back off and give her space to calm down. I don't press issues and am always there for her. When she is stressed like she is now, I offer to rub her back or feet to help her relax. But I also realize I can't just erase my problems or thoughts on my mind just because of it, it's not fair to her or I. If I do that, it will only build until I blow up, which is what I don't want to do.

From what I have read of your always-well-thought-out comments on this site, I have no doubt you are her dessert. (You are ours too :).) Chose your venting times and places carefully with her, as it seems you do. Always start with a plus, and then throw in the concern -- "Being with you helps me figure out who I am [heartfelt pause with good eye contact and maybe a kiss on the forehead], so it really upsets me when I see... "

[Romefalls19]

From what I have read of your always-well-thought-out comments on this site, I have no doubt you are her dessert. (You are ours too :).) Chose your venting times and places carefully with her, as it seems you do. Always start with a plus, and then throw in the concern -- "Being with you helps me figure out who I am [heartfelt pause with good eye contact and maybe a kiss on the forehead], so it really upsets me when I see...."

Awl thank you very much! Thanks for the advice and I will definitely think about it wisely when I do bring these issues up to her. I will be careful as to how I approach her as well, I don't want to add to her stresses and only want to help relieve them.

Thank you all very much!

[starlite1]

No Problemo at all Rome. Thanks for all you do for us :)!