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Whywesuck · Mar 31, 2009, 11:43 AM

So, Ive known this girl online for over a year now. We met quite randomly but we quickly became great company to each other. My first message to her was quite abrupt about wanting to take her out on a date I told her I thought she was hot.

After a couple messages back and forth we realized that we were an ocean apart. The relationship still blossomed quite healthy. We had plans to hook up and meet and see how each other responded in person. Only I did something very stupid got scared and hid for 4 months.

I felt really bad about abandoning her. I only did it because I wanted her to make more of her own choices and not feel like she was tied to me. I also couldn't stand to say it to her because I didn't want to hurt her. I sent her a message apologizing and asked her not to hate me.

She accepted my apology and we began to talk again. With the same goals in mind still this time I am sure this is what I want.

In the time I was gone she had planned a vacation to another country not with me. "Not that I should be jealous of that" only when she came back she seemed to be more in love with her vacation destination than with me when she left.

Now she doesn't seem half as interested in me, she still expresses the same plans and goals only now it seems like I have been put on the back shelf. We used to talk so frequently online now she doesn't have the time. Even when she is at work she makes me wait an hour sometimes longer for a simple response when I know she is at her desk. *the time difference is almost 12hours. I flip my life upside down to talk to her"

This is the girl who said she would have my children. We discussed many things about the future. And all though I haven't actually said it directly. I told her that I have considered matrimony and that I could see myself wanting to get to know her.

This is the girl I want to marry and the last thing I need to be doing is being creating false ideas in my head.

If anyone has any insight on this I would be interested to see how you perceive it. The last thing I want to do is ruin this. She is perfect for me.

kctiger · Mar 31, 2009, 11:57 AM

Wait a minute... you want to marry a girl, she wants to have your children, and you have never even met face to face? Did I read this right? How can someone be perfect for you when all you know is their "cyber" personality?

Whywesuck · Mar 31, 2009, 12:02 PM

Yes, We used to spend about 12 hours a night talking. I have seen countless pictures of her. We get along great. I am not sure what initially attracted her to me but it blossomed quite well.

jmw0713 · Mar 31, 2009, 12:04 PM

So, you have never actually gone and met this girl yet? How can you say that you want to do all of these things with her, when you have not actually gone and met her?

Long Distance Relationships are very hard to maintain. There needs to be a delicate balance of contact in order to keep them going. When you vanished for 4 months, she probably thought you lost all interest and moved on.

In order to have a healthy relationship there needs to be a mental AND physical connection. Until both exist, there is no relationship.

If I was talking to a girl on the internet, and she just dropped off the face of the earth, I wouldn't think twice about continuing on with my own life and finding someone closer to my physical location.

I think you should re-evaluate your thinking here and try and meet someone who lives at least somewhere you can drive to.

kctiger · Mar 31, 2009, 12:04 PM

The beauty of the internet is that you can be anyone/anything you want, and most likely never have to answer for it. I am sorry, but I just find it a bit premature to think that this is your "soul mate" without having EVER met face to face.

jmw0713 · Mar 31, 2009, 12:07 PM

That is exactly right. There are a lot of phonies out there. Not saying she is, but you should definitely exercise some sort of caution and not fling yourself headlong into something that may not ever be realized, or may just be a flat out lie.

Whywesuck · Mar 31, 2009, 12:08 PM

It's not that we think we are soul mates. We have every intention of meeting face to face. We just discussed future goals to work towards. The idea of kids came up sort of off topic. Its not like we force the conversation in this direction. We seem to want the same things.

kctiger · Mar 31, 2009, 12:09 PM

You said yourself you think she is "perfect" for you. I just think that is a bit premature. A LOT of people want children, family, good job, etc. etc. That has nothing to do with actually being compatible with one another.

Whywesuck · Mar 31, 2009, 12:12 PM

She is "perfect" for me. We sat and talked for hours upon hours. We have what a lot of people want in a relationship. A healthy level of conversation. We haven't complicated things with sex.

Only now after her vacation that healthy level of conversation is starting to dwindle while she still expresses the same interest.

jmw0713 · Mar 31, 2009, 12:13 PM

So what is going on with the face-to-face meeting?

Face to face meetings are crucial to gage the true demeanor and personality of someone you meet online.

I met a girl online a few weeks back. She was very sweet and smart. We had things in common and I could have easily fallen for her if we just talked through email. When I met her, I knew what she looked like and all, but when I started actually talking to her I realized that I really wasn't feeling the chemistry. We have since stopped talking to each other.

However, the knowledge I gain from that one experience has helped me in others.

kctiger · Mar 31, 2009, 12:16 PM

It is easy to live in a fantasy world such as the internet. Meeting someone online, you can be someone that the other person cannot really get a good feel on. There is a ceiling of expectations. So, we develop this grand idea of what the person is, and we go with it, regardless of how realistic our view may be. The sticker comes when we finally meet that person, as usually our expectations are far above and beyond who the person actually turns out to be. It is a mental puzzle that usually dooms things of this nature.

jmw0713 · Mar 31, 2009, 12:18 PM

^^ I agree 100% as someone who had this exact thing happen!

Whywesuck · Mar 31, 2009, 12:19 PM

I was just laid off. All the money I had been able to put aside is being spent on neccesaties.

I have interviews to get back to work. But the face to face meeting for be for another couple months now.

kctiger · Mar 31, 2009, 12:20 PM

Focus on your real world problems, and the "e-problems" go for now. You have bigger issues to deal with. Good luck!

Whywesuck · Mar 31, 2009, 12:23 PM

I know I shouldn't try to worry myself with her problems. She is going to do what she wants to do anyway. I just don't want to let her go because we have spent countless hours talking to her and I really want to meet her.

All you people are telling me is to let her go, this is the exact opposite of help. Regardless thank you for your input.

jmw0713 · Mar 31, 2009, 12:24 PM

Honestly, I really think you guys are to far away for this to work out in anyone's favor. The distance is HUGE and flying anywhere over seas is extremely expensive.

Try to find someone closer that you click with. It will be much more rewarding, easier to maintain and have a way better chance to grow into something your looking for.

Just like KC said, concentrate on getting another job and less on worrying about the cyber-relationship.

kctiger · Mar 31, 2009, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by Whywesuck

I know I shouldn't try to worry myself with her problems. She is going to do what she wants to do anyway. I just dont want to let her go because we have spent countless hours talking to her and I really want to meet her.

All you people are telling me is to let her go, this is the exact opposite of help. Regardless thank you for your input.

I'm sorry. Did you want me to tell you to go pursue your fantasy girl on the internet while you are unemployed?

Go then! Good luck. Sorry we took time out of our day to try and help you realize the reality of your situation!

Whywesuck · Mar 31, 2009, 12:27 PM

Fantasy girl? Sounds to me like you wish you could meet someone you care half as much about. I am more less asking for help on why she has suddenly turned quiet and you tell me to stop trying to contact her. I don't think this is what we want.

I just want to know how to deal with these insecurities that her suddenly turned silent means and what you think they mean.

kctiger · Mar 31, 2009, 12:29 PM

NO ONE has any clue as to what they mean! The only thing YOU know about her is revolved around the internet. How could anyone possibly come up with a realistic opinion of what her behavior suggests? Perhaps her feelings have changed, perhaps she has met another guy, I DO NOT KNOW.

Whywesuck · Mar 31, 2009, 12:30 PM

You see that's the kind of answer I was looking for. Only you need to relax and stop getting so worried over me. Sorry I upset you this is not what I intended to do. This is a help forum and I am asking for help.