[mumufarm]

Hi there, I've seen some excellent responses from people that sound like they really care. I would just like to unload my head and listen to what people might want to say.

I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years. We've had some great times and a some bad ones but we knew we love each other as we always showed it. She is 9 years younger than me.
We are both muslim, but neither of us are practicing ones. We drink, smoke, go clubbing etc. But her parents are very strict on her.
She is law school at the moment and is staying away from home. She lies to her parents so much saying that she is studying or about to go to sleep and then she'll go out.

She had been at university for about 3 years previously and I used to stay round her place all the time.
This academic year though, I thought I'd give her some space and a chance for her to spend some time with her new friends at college. She is again staying away from home. I stayed round a few times, but my job is very demanding and I don't really have any energy to go out partying till 6 in the morning because I have work the next day. I still saw her when she didn't go out. We would end up eating in and watching a bit of ER or something. But it was nice, we got to cuddle and sleep together.

Over time though, I felt like she was slowly drifting away from me. She would always pick her friends over me. Going out with them even if we had planned to spend the night in together. It was obviously more fun for her.
But it wasn't that that upset me. It was the fact that she didn't always let me know if she was OK or maybe when she'd go out.

Last week, she was feeling ill so I took her some Lemsip and she told me she wants to break up with me. Naturally I was a mess and still am.
She didn't exactly want to explain too much as she was ill but I started going mad in my head.
I drove to a bridge and stood on the railings before the police pulled me down.
The next day I sought help from a professional. I felt that I should see her and try and give it a shot at getting back together.

I saw her and we spoke for a few hours. She said she had changed and she is not the person she used to be. She loves me and cares for me but she is not in love with me. Even though the week before it felt like we were fine.
I went home that night and almost took 60 sleeping pills. I am an emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeve. I love her so much and had planned ot ask her to marry me on our 5 year anniversary in a couple weeks.

I have done everything for her to make her happy. Love, support, money, everything. I have sacrificed my career and chosen something that I don't enjoy just so I can have a stable good income for us for the future. We planned everything.

Something's she said though was that she said her parents would never except me as they hate me. I should add... and I know this won;'t go down well, but they found me behind her door in her room once. Bad move. I regret it so much. That was 4 years ago. She basically said that it could never work as she will never do that to her parents. And she had been kidding herslef for 4 years that it would all be OK.
I regret what I did by staying round, but if there was anything I could do to see I am a good person I would. She left home a week after they found me and I stayed with her and urged her to go home. No one should put their parents through that pain.

Another thing also was a few months back she told me she tried Coke. Now, I knew her frieinds did it a lot but she has more brains than that to do it. She said she tried a little and I was not happy.
Last week though she told me she had lied to me and that she does Coke Ecstacy and something else. But as hurt as I am for her lying for so many months, I just want her back.
I love her so much and respect her. I can't see myself with any other person. I've been in my share of relationships and I know she is the one. She is so adiment that we will not work and that her parents will never allow us to be together so we would be delaying the inevitable. But I at leats want to try. Does 5 years suddenly not count for anytghing.
My heart is killing me. The pain is so unbearable that I keep want to take pills. I know it's a cowards way out and there are a lot of people that would miss me. But I feel dead inside and want to be selfish. Some traits about who I am are the fact I always love giving and helping people even if I don't get anything back in return. The small things always matter to me and I like to think I am romantic.
I am lost and really do want her back. Should I give her space and time? I don't want to heal from this

[starlite1]

Hello Mumufarm,

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I know there is no easy answer for your situation, but is seems like your girlfriend is enjoying college life at the moment. She wants her freedom and perhaps she did change. This doesn't mean that what the two of you had wasn't special, I'm sure to her it was. But, she needs to live her life the way she wants right now, that is her choice. Like I said I know you are in so much pain, but you must be strong, and get on with your life. Go out with friends and meet new people, maybe closer to your age. Right now your ex doesn't want to settle down. You need to respect her wishes, and just let her be. But most important, you need to get strong again, and go enjoy your new life.

[talaniman]

But I feel dead inside and want to be selfish.

After a 5 year thing, that's more than normal its human.

Some traits about who I am are the fact I always love giving and helping people even if I don't get anything back in return.

So why expect something from her, that she doesn't want to give?

the small things always matter to me and I like to think I am romantic.
I am lost and really do want her back.

She doesn't feel as you do anymore, sorry but that's a fact you need to deal with, without the drugs or alcohol, or over reaction.

Should I give her space and time?

Absolutely. Time to be you, without her.

I don't want to heal from this

That may be how you feel, but its not realistic, nor healthy.

You may have given her much, but now, you must give to yourself. Not easy, but you have to do it, so get busy. Be as good to yourself as you are to others, and maybe a bit more.

[MiSSsy111222]

I don't want to heal from this[/QUOTE]

At first I felt like this, I wanted to wallow in my own grief. I felt like I didn't want to heal from my pain so I let it consume me. It affected everything I did, I was told that my pain was obvious, and it was because I wanted to feel it.

As time goes on you get fed up of feeling down and miserable. You realise that it needs to change, because feeling like this is not healthy. Do you want to feel miserable?? because to move on you have to WANT to move on.

You don't want the relationship to end, and that's normal. But trust me you should want to move on. Because lifes to short to be feeling miserable.

[I wish]

5 years DOES count for something, which is why you are feeling all this pain. It's easy for a third person to tell you to forget her and move on.

You are in a very vulnerable state. From what you told us, she's a very different person from the person you met 5 years ago. In a manner of speaking you feel in love with two different girls. Are you sure you really love this new girl?

You already told us so many things that bothers you. I guess that you are hoping that she will stop and revert back to the old days? Are you sure you are not holding on to something that is gone. Are you sure you can live with all these flaws? Are you sure you are not holding on to a fantasy?

You are going to continue to feel pain for quite a while. It's not just about giving her time and space. You've got some tough decisions to make. You should give yourself time and space so that you are less emotional when making these decisions.

[Dare81]

You will heal from this, even if you get her back you will tired of the b.s behavior and it won't work out again,if you don't get back with her you will eventually get tired of felling depressed all the time and move on.All you need is a little bit of time and some professional help.

[mumufarm]

Hi, I've had some really good people write responses on here. I should change the title and say that I am not suicidal. I do sometimes wake up in immense pain and my htoughts drive me to wonder why I am left like this.
She emailed me the other day saying that she is sorry she is emailing me and says that its inappropriate but could I help her get a cheap laptop.
I've had no contact with her till the other day. And I felt used. I did not respond
Then yesterday she emailed again, saying that she would like us to exchange each others stuff. Its starnge however, that I have always bought her gifts and she has never bought me anything, so we won't be exchanging much.
I don't actually know what to make of this and should I email back?

She wants her old iPod back which I bought her but replaced it with a new itouch. She also wants some of the clothes I bought her that she stored at my house. I mean, is this getting petty of me thinking that I want all the things that I got her back? Because for almost 5 years I meant everything to her and now I don't mean anything at all.
Am I overreacting?

[talaniman]

Send her stuff back, or give it to a friend to deliver for you, and end this drama.

Its easy to over react, when your confused after a break up of a long relationship. Any contact with her will confuse you, for a long time to come.

[I wish]

Send her stuff back, or give it to a friend to deliver for you, and end this drama.

Its easy to over react, when your confused after a break up of a long relationship. Any contact with her will confuse you, for a long time to come.

Have to spread rep.

You are still in the healing process, which is why you are still very emotional about these things.

It's definitely better to have a middle person help you exchange your things to avoid unnecessary confrontation that would lead to more pain.

The sooner you get rid of her things, the faster you can fully implement the no contact rule so tha you can move on with your life.

[liz28]

Giving her things will ultimately release you from her because by you holding on to her things it a sign your not completely ready to let her go and only gives her more of a reason to stay in contact with you.

Let her have her things then move on and change your number if needed.

[tony71]

It seems I'm almost in the same boat as you. I posted a long one, so I will copy and paste it here as well. The difference here is your girlfriend got caught up with the wrong crowd, and I think when she told you she wants to break up, it's the drugs that is causing this.

I know from experience, not that I have done coke but I had friends do coke, when they do it they become so depress and withdrawn from people.



" I just ran into this site and I read your post and it is helpful but still a little down.

I was in a relationship for 5 years, we were thinking of marrige but the issue she had was she wanted to marry a guy that was in the same religion. At first 2 years ago, I agreed to convert but soon I realized if I converted then it might set up other things she may ask of me to change, so I told her I can't do it and she was very mad.

She ended it but after one day I called her, and we were back together but I told her I can not convert, but we still carried on the relationship.

Well last week we had an argument over the phone and she wanted to break up, she said we can not carry on since she can't marry me since I won't convert and she has talked to her sister and the sister agreed too. Funny thing is the sister is in a marriage where she and the husband do not get along and she almost got a divorce and here she is advising her sister. I was mad but at the end I told her if that is what you want then fine and we hung up. I did text her back 30 minutes later and wished her the best in her life and that I hoped she found the guy she is looking for that is from the same religion and she would be happy. She texted me back and did the same.

She is going to NYU in NYC and I'm in DC, it seems when she is there I miss her but when she came to see me after couple of days in my mind I wanted her to go. So I have also been thinking , what if we got married, would it have actually worked out? I did also have doubts at the end about marrying her but I did love her.


I noticed on Facebook she posted this song Saturday night, it is by Depeche Mode called Suffer Well. I knew when she was depressed she would listen to Depeche Mode, so it was obvious she was feeling depressed. The funny thing is I also got her into the band.

Anyway, this time I have done the no contact but it is sooooooooo hard. During the days in the morning when I wake up it is so depressing and then specially at nights. One thing for sure one of my friend's who has been in and out of long term relationships, told me it will get better. In fact we are all going to vegas end of the month. But I hope I can move on without her, 50% of me wants her back and the other 50% is confused and is not sure if I want her back.

Hi there, i've seen some excellent responses from people that sound like they really care. I would just like to unload my head and listen to what people might want to say.

I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years. We've had some great times and a some bad ones but we knew we love each other as we always showed it. She is 9 years younger than me.
We are both muslim, but neither of us are practicing ones. We drink, smoke, go clubbing etc. But her parents are very strict on her.
She is law school at the moment and is staying away from home. She lies to her parents so much saying that she is studying or about to go to sleep and then she'll go out.

She had been at university for about 3 years previously and i used to stay round her place all the time.
This academic year though, i thought i'd give her some space and a chance for her to spend some time with her new friends at college. She is again staying away from home. I stayed round a few times, but my job is very demanding and i don't really have any energy to go out partying till 6 in the morning because i have work the next day. I still saw her when she didn't go out. We would end up eating in and watching a bit of ER or something. But it was nice, we got to cuddle and sleep together.

Over time though, i felt like she was slowly drifting away from me. She would always pick her friends over me. Going out with them even if we had planned to spend the night in together. It was obviously more fun for her.
But it wasn't that that upset me. It was the fact that she didn't always let me know if she was ok or maybe when she'd go out.

Last week, she was feeling ill so i took her some Lemsip and she told me she wants to break up with me. Naturally i was a mess and still am.
She didn't exactly want to explain too much as she was ill but i started going mad in my head.
I drove to a bridge and stood on the railings before the police pulled me down.
the next day i sought help from a professional. I felt that i should see her and try and give it a shot at getting back together.

I saw her and we spoke for a few hours. She said she had changed and she is not the person she used to be. She loves me and cares for me but she is not in love with me. Even though the week before it felt like we were fine.
I went home that night and almost took 60 sleeping pills. I am an emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeve. I love her so much and had planned ot ask her to marry me on our 5 year anniversary in a couple weeks.

I have done everything for her to make her happy. Love, support, money, everything. I have sacrificed my career and chosen something that i don't enjoy just so i can have a stable good income for us for the future. We planned everything.

Somethings she said though was that she said her parents would never except me as they hate me. I should add....and i know this won;'t go down well, but they found me behind her door in her room once. Bad move. I regret it so much. that was 4 years ago. She basically said that it could never work as she will never do that to her parents. And she had been kidding herslef for 4 years that it would all be ok.
I regret what i did by staying round, but if there was anything i could do to see i am a good person i would. She left home a week after they found me and i stayed with her and urged her to go home. Noone should put their parents through that pain.

Another thing also was a few months back she told me she tried Coke. Now, i knew her frieinds did it a lot but she has more brains than that to do it. She said she tried a little and i was not happy.
Last week though she told me she had lied to me and that she does Coke Ecstacy and something else. But as hurt as i am for her lying for so many months, i just want her back.
I love her so much and respect her. I can't see myself with any other person. I've been in my share of relationships and i know she is the one. She is so adiment that we will not work and that her parents will never allow us to be togehter so we would be delaying the inevitable. But i at leats want to try. Does 5 years suddenly not count for anytghing.
My heart is killing me. The pain is so unbearable that i keep want to take pills. I know its a cowards way out and there are a lot of people that would miss me. But i feel dead inside and want to be selfish. Some traits about who i am are the fact i always love giving and helping people even if i don't get anything back in return. the small things always matter to me and i like to think i am romantic.
I am lost and really do want her back. Should i give her space and time? I don't want to heal from this

[tony71]

Hi, i've had some really good people write responses on here. I should change the title and say that i am not suicidal. I do sometimes wake up in immense pain and my htoughts drive me to wonder why i am left like this.
She emailed me the other day saying that she is sorry she is emailing me and says that its inappropriate but could i help her get a cheap laptop.
I've had no contact with her till the other day. and i felt used. I did not respond
Then yesterday she emailed again, saying that she would like us to exchange each others stuff. Its starnge however, that i have always bought her gifts and she has never bought me anything, so we won't be exchanging much.
I don;t actually know what to make of this and should i email back?

She wants her old ipod back which i bought her but replaced it with a new itouch. she also wants some of the clothes i bought her that she stored at my house. I mean, is this getting petty of me thinking that i want all the things that i got her back? Because for almost 5 years i meant everything to her and now i dont mean anything at all.
Am i overreacting?

You seem to be a lot like me, I did everything for her. Bought her stuff and always paid for dinner. Now if I were in your shoes, sure give back her stuff but mail it to her without letting her come over, then text her back simply " You stuff is mailed to you"..

I had the same crap last week, prior to breaking up , I was going to have my accountant do my taxes and she wasn't sure if she needs to do her, so I told her to mail her stuff to me and I will take care of it. She texted me a day after breaking up, thanking me for doing her tax and wanted to know if I paid my accountant for her tax, so this way she would pay me. I didn't reply. The next day I mailed her paper back with a quick note saying, "Check will be in the mail" for her tax return.