[rolljeep]

First time post.

This is a very painful situation and I just do not know where to begin. I met what I believed to be my soul mate roughly 1.5 years ago. I am a 35 yr male and she is 28 now. It was an instant connection for the two of us when we first met. I knew right when I saw her for the first time that we would end up being in a serious relationship with strong feelings. Almost immediately we felt like we had known each other for our entire lives after just one date. We used to joke and say we were a couple in another dimension or lifetime.

Anyway, as I had predicted, we were soon a couple and life was perfect. We were with each other every day and time just flew by when we were together. We ended up having to do the LDR thing for about 5 months because she had some family issues. Our bond grew stronger during this time because we both helped each other out with some issues we had in our own personal lives. It got to the point that her mom even said "when you guys are married" at lunch one day during a conversation. It just rolled right out and she was slightly embarrassed by the comment. Just wanted to describe how close we were and how others noticed it.

Once again things changed, as we had planned on moving in together, but she was offered a job in another city. No big deal it was a 45 minute plane or 4.5 hour drive for me.

Within the course of a month, she had developed a completely different attitude and started to become distant. I found out that she started drinking heavily again and broke up with me out of the blue. She ignored me for about 3 weeks when I text mail saying she couldn't do it anymore and for me to let her go. I was devastated because we were so close and it only took a short amount of time to destroy what we had.

It was the most painful breakup I had ever been through. I loved her with all of my heart and it took a lot of effort just to keep rolling along everyday. We have communicated a few short times during our breakup (about 3-4 months now). I can't get her out of my head and I think about her everyday and wish I knew what had happened because she evades any confrontational events.

Well, just a few days ago I got one of those spam e-mails from one of her relatives and rather than clicking the reply to:, she hit reply to all. Low and behold is a picture of my ex with her new live in boyfriend. I was so stricken with grief that I nearly puked in disgust. What is worse is that we look similar. Not only that but I had read a reply that stated they are very happy together.

Now I have hit rock bottom because I just don't know what to think. How can someone who claimed to have loved me so much move in with someone after such a short time. It is so hurtful to me because I put a lot of time into helping her with her addiction and I was excited to see the women that was trapped come out. She basically cried herself right into his arms and now he has the women of my dreams and desire. The picture of both of them was the most disturbing because they both looked like they are very happy and it makes me sick to my stomach. That should be me in the picture, not him.

I don't know what to do. I am so depressed now because of the expectations I had are now completely crushed. I have the feeling this guy was swarming around her like a vulcher waiting for her to get tired of the LDR situation and convinced her to end it. (They worked together at a nightclub). Every time I was there to visit he seemed to be lurking in the backround and was always text messaging her and sending e-mails. I never doubted her and trusted her so I never worried about her having guy friends.

She never told me she left me for another man. She called me about a month after we broke up and said it was hard being alone but she needed time to sort out her problems.

I don't know what to do. I am hurt all over again because the pain shocked through me like electricity when I saw that photo. I will never meet another women in my life and love her like I did my ex. I have so many emotions running through me that I don't know if I can get through this again. In addition to this my friend of 17 years committed suicide and I lost my job. I am a complete mess.

I have not told her that about the e-mail yet. Was I blinded by love or am I just stupid or is she just a cold hearted women who cares only about herself.

Maybe I didn't keep things fresh because she was often depressed and told me how it sucked I was always away from her. I just thought that was the result of her drinking issue.

I need some insight. I have tried to discuss and begged her to give me closure but she ignores me. Do you think that is because she feels guilty and knows that she pulled my heart out?

[valinors_sorrow]

Rolljeep, you have a lot of grief happening right now, a triple whammy really, so please take it extra easy on yourself at every turn. My condolences for all your losses.

You may find some of the answers about her behavior in post #6 in this thread:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ast-33093.html

Additionally I would direct you to look here too:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ist-30986.html

It may seem entirely inconceivable to you that she would lie at this level, but that is what it amounts to, I believe. And her family is basically in on it too - hoping that a relationship will save her. Its called denial and it works so that a person lies to themselves so thoroughly that they can then lie to someone else very effectively because they themselves believe the lie. As an active alcoholic, I was quite capable of "cameleoning" my way into a relationship -- the only trouble was I could not sustain it over time. Because there are people out there like how I was, I advise people to go really slowly, and see their significant other in lots of different lights.

It may be that when you look back over it, you will begin to see some red flags that you ignored along the way. The speed of it, or her drinking comes to mind at first glance. Or that you had been naïve. It is a helluva way to become educated, I grant you. But this is why its best to have lots of friends who would speak the truth putting in their observations about it.

You need time to heal, to grieve, to learn, to grow, to survive the pain and to heal. These are fortunately all doable deals and should you feel completely overwhelmed at any point in your recovery from all this, please call someone locally-- look for a crisis helpline in your phone directory and call them. We can only help so much from an answer forum. I hope this was a little helpful at the very least.

[phillysteakandcheese]

There are many people out there that are broken. On the surface they appear "normal", but soon you realize they have some combination of very serious problems – mental instability, can't deal with issues in their life, they are flakey, untrustworthy, have addictions, and sometimes they are outright bad or even evil.

We often think we can "fix" these broken people. We think that if we can save them from all of their problems, that potential for them to be the perfect "person of my dreams" will be realized as a result of their being so happy that you saved them.

This is complete bull.

Some people are broken. They need long-term and on-going professional help. They will never have a "normal" relationship, and their partner will never be able to "fix" them. They may have normal periods from time to time, but their same root problems are still inside them and will re-surface in one way or another.

Thinking you can "fix" someone into loving you is a sign of your own lack of self-esteem.
Some people want to become their partner's counselor and "fix" all of their problems. In doing so, they believe that their partner will be so grateful that they will love them for a lifetime. No only is that wrong, it's hurtful – You enable your partner to off-load their responsibility for helping themselves on to you… and then pretty soon everything is your fault.

In your case…
The best thing for you is to accept that this woman has problems. Accept that you can't fix them for her. You can't solve her drinking problem. You can't solve her emotional crisis. You can't make her grateful enough to love you forever.

Everyone has problems that they work through. That's normal enough… but the “woman of your dreams” is not a broken woman that you have to spend a lifetime trying to “fix”.

[rolljeep]

Dude, I just read your post and I have goosebumps. One of the last things she said to me before we split was "thanks for saving me".

I also was wondering how she could leave me after all we have done for one another, and now after reading your response, maybe I was trying to make it seem like I was her knight in shiny armor. That she owed me, and everything would be fine.

I don't know what to say except that you nailed this down, and I am so fortunate to have found this site. My eyes are open and I appreciate the blunt force of your comments.

Good news is that I am ready to move on, and fix "my" problems so I can continue to push forward with success in my life.

[rolljeep]

Thanks Val for also suggesting to contact friends as sometimes they can be helpful. I decided to open my guts up to one of my life-long friends and tell him about my situation. Typically, I used to bottle these things up inside until I was like an emotional volcano, but not anymore.


He had a similar relationship end such as I except that they were married with a child. Being former addicts, she got wrapped up again and bolted on him.

His therapist gave him a book on Co-Dependency and he read off a chapter to me that fit both of our relationships to a tee and the progress of it fit a format of codependency. I am a nurterer and she is the needy seeking someone to take care of her.

I am picking up the book tomorrow to read it in its entirety. I can't believe how much relief I feel after listening to our pattern etc. I don't feel betrayed or anger now. I realize that we both have deeper problems that we both need to solve. Also, I know her current relationship is doomed for failure as well.

Thanks for giving me awesome advice and helping me to achieve my goals.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am picking up the book tomorrow to read it in its entirety. I can't believe how much relief I feel after listening to our pattern etc. I don't feel betrayed or anger now. I realize that we both have deeper problems that we both need to solve. Also, I know her current relationship is doomed for failure as well. Thanks for giving me awesome advice and helping me to achieve my goals.

Rolljeep, you should hear the sound of applause at this moment.

Codependency is a tough deal to face. I have talked often about it here and it seldom seems to sink in. It's very likely what spins out of control and sets up suicide for a great many people... so its nothing to trifle with, by my estimation. It is the number one killer of relationships-- all kinds of relationships too, not just lovers but parent/child, friendships, etc. It's that driving need to count, to be somebody in ways that can be so very destructive. It's the means to overrun someone's boundaries and not see that how inappropriate that is. It's a first class way to ruin a child for adulthood. It's the permission to build castles in the air and the subsequent attempt to move in. And oddly enough, when you take the "substance of choice" away from an addict, you frequently get a codependent. It spawns depression, isolation, anger problems, control issues, anxiety and immense despondency, all in the wink of an eye.

You did an incredibly smart thing here and I just wanted you to know-- so keep trudging down that path!

[s_cianci]

Was I blinded by love or is she just a cold hearted women who cares only about herself.

Do you think that is because she feels guilty and knows that she pulled my heart out?

I think the answer to all these questions is yes. I don't think you're stupid ; maybe a little naïve. I'm sure there were some tell-tale red flags that you never noticed or chose to ignore. It sounds sound like the two of you got way too serious way too fast and I'm sure others on this thread will tell you that's one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. Now, with that said, it sounds like she has issues that you cannot and should not deal with. As for getting some closure, that's something you'll have to do for yourself. You need to know it's over, once and for all, put it in your past and never revisit it. Delete her e-mail and IM addresses and those of her friends and relatives. Don't allow her or any of her friends or relatives to contact you. Don't attempt to contact them from your end of it either. You need to work on yourself now. You need to find a new job and that's where your focus and energy should be directed right now. With a new job will come new opportunities, both socially and professionally. As time and finances permit, get out, pursue new interests or dust off some old ones, meet new friends and date new women. You must learn to live without her and enjoy life while doing so. I know it'll be hard at first but if you concentrate on yourself and your needs it'll get easier and easier and you'll see things in a new light.