[terry884]

So I have read a lot of these post before adding mine. Love ASH123 How to Break-up and survive 101 (great info!) I am blessed that some married friends told me to do exactly this and why she cried and told me how much she was going to miss me I held her and told her I know you are doing the right things as I was the one for the past two years that kept coming up with new ideas to make it work or to change things when in the end, the only reason it wasn't working was because she had not made the commitment to make it work. I don't regret putting the effort in as we grew so much and had so much love and things we truly enjoy doing together. However, sometimes until you let that person go they are standing way to close to focus on what they have so you must tell them as I did, I understand your need to fly and while I would love to spend the rest of my life with you, it is you that must decide if they want this too. She said, I know and maybe in a month of having this time I can figure out why I can't make this work but I love you so much and I feel so weak for falling apart right not and she thanked me for loving her so much and said there is definitely a part of me that wonders if I could ever find someone as amazing as you. I tell you this so you can get a better look at our relationship and also know we are both in out early 40's and she is someone that always tells it like it is.
My question to my panel of peers is two things. One I told her that I understand her need to go and figure out if she wants this relationship but even though I was loving I said that I will not contact you and please don't contact me unless you realize that you I am right for you and have figured out that you want to make this work. She said, not even to text or email you if I am making progress on moving towards a long term relationship with you and I said no, only if you have figured out that you want this relationship. Was I to strict in that? Should I have said that it is OK to let me know if you are moving that direction? Second, obviously I am hoping she will return as she did mention that maybe after 30 days she would figure it out, oh and we were talking about other married friends that need 30 days to figure stuff out before they realized that they missed each other. So is it OK to hope that she come back in a month and if I don't hear from her than do I just keep silent or ask if she has figured anything out?

[kctiger]

Personally, I find it hard to believe someone would need 30 days to "realize" they actually do love me and miss being around me. I don't think love works like that, and I fear you are using this NC thing as a way to get her to miss you, which is a game. Just because you miss someone doesn't mean you love them. If I went 30 days without seeing a few people, I would probably miss them, but I sure as hell don't love them, you know?

My question to you is: What if she doesn't call you in 30 days? What if she calls you in a year? Are you still waiting for her? How are you prepared to NEVER hear from her again?

[terry884]

Love is not the question here, we love each other and she says that I am the most amazing person she has ever dated. The issue is that my ex is to in her head and sometimes you need to get some space for clarity. Even though we had a great two years she never fully committed to the relationship, as our counselor said she never make the leap of faith. There is a history with her family where mom left early to go just have fun with her life and she may feel that people always leave you when you care about them. She is going to counseling and that is why she said maybe in a month I will figure this out and finally be able to make a commitment. She asked if she could stay in touch to tell me of her progress and that is where I said, no only contact me if you figure it out and that is where I am feeling bad, should I support her and let me contact me if she wants to tell me how her progress is going or stick to my guns?

[talaniman]

NC is to heal and make good decisions based on facts and not just feelings, not a game to play between two people who don't know how to work together to resolve their issues, thru honest expression of their feelings.

Good relationships are built on full disclosure, talking, and listening, and working together, to the benefit of both.

It takes more than love to make it work, what's the and if you are not willing to do the hard work it takes, together, what's the point?

I really don't know what you two are doing, but prolonging the misery, and pain, through confusion.