[salvadorlimones]

I am 33 year old man and I am not really sure if I shall marry this woman. The history is so long.

She is my first girlfriend. We are high school sweethearts and was together between 1992 and 1998, a very nice, fulfilling relationship for that time. At 1998 we were arguing about marriage, I do not want to marry her but she does, and our relationship was having rough times. That time she got attracted to my best friend and things get complicated. She decided to be with him. I was depressed but we never lost contact (that time I had no idea of NC), even we were together for couple of months between then. We join and split, and mostly I was the one chasing her. In other words, she was stuck between the other man and me as I continued chasing. I was working overseas and we gradually fall apart but never ever lost contact. We spoke on phone at least once a week, sometimes everyday. We were very good friends and she enjoyed my support for years. There have been other people in her life, even she was planning to marry one of them but no one was present in mine till recently. A couple of months ago I fall in love with another girl who lasted for 2 months, but she dumped me. I was suffering major depression. I started reading books about relationships, visited this site, listened to advices etc. and realized how wrong I was until this time, and decided to change myself, improve myself confidence, self image etc. During that time she (the one I am going to marry) was so helpful with me and supported my change.

And when I change myself, she became attracted to me and we are together again. Now she says that she feels like she has returned home after years and she does not want anybody but me for the rest of her life. She is very attracted to me and wants to marry as soon as possible. She says her biological clock is ticking (she is 33) and does not want to lose any more time. And this time she says either we marry or will never see each other ever again.

I am so confused. I love her, she is so valuable to me, I spent years chasing her and somehow always dreamed about her. She got good career (psychiatrist), some good personal traits. I know her bad aspects as well as her good aspects. However, one part of me is not happy with her and the idea of marriage. I do not really feel like I am ready for parents, children, married life, being a family etc. When we speak about marriage I feel nausea. When we speak about not seeing each other ever again I feel even worse. I do not want to lose her but I do not feel very excited with her also. It is kind of a very strange dilemma and I have no idea how to proceed further. She denies option of having time to try. She wants a determination of date for marriage saying we know each other for years. Is it me being immature and not respectful or is there something wrong but I can not find because I am not experienced with woman. One part of me wants to go and live a bachelor life other part says you & she are 33 and should get married and have kids and be a happy family.

I decided to write all of this stuff because I read the other side of the story in a similar case and felt really bad about myself in this post.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fiance-has-cold-feet-hes-confused-muddled-up-325531.html

I know people here give good and realistic advices. I once again need another persons objective look… Thanks a lot…

[lola64]

You love this woman- what is holding you back? Have you looked within yourself and asked yourself the bigger questions: Do you have a fear of intimacy? Of commitment? Did something happen in your formative years to put you off relationships? Did you only dream of being with her all of these years because you thought it could never actually happen and was safe to dream of her, and not have to commit yourself to get involved or to wanting to date others? You said that you finally dated another woman, but that didn't work out, very early on.
You seem like a good man, you appear to have a vague idea of what you want, but you're not really sure. I think you have a hard time admitting it to yourself.. and I'm not sure if you have the tools yourself or confidence in yourself to know how to make a relationship work just yet. Why not give it your all with this woman who loves you? What have you got to lose in trying? Unless you know within yourself that she isn't the one you really want to spend your life with, but rather a safety net, so to speak. In that case, it's better to make a decision as you say, only this time it requires sincere conviction to finally make up your mind.
However, I think first you need to look within yourself, ask yourself the right questions, listen to yourself, without being scared of the answers, and your heart and mind will truly tell you which direction to turn. Once you make up your mind, don't waste time second guessing yourself, just give it your all and see what happens.
Learn to let your guard down and let love in for real, whether it turns out to be this woman or not.. (if only I could take my own advice! Lol) best of luck..

[JoeCanada76]

My opinion is this girl is giving you an ultimatum. Is that really fair?
Things have been back and forth and you do not feel excited to be around her? Sorry but maybe it is better to end it now even though it will be hard but do you want to be forced in a marriage that will just end up ending? Especially when it is something you do not feel comfortable doing?

It is all about choice, but then again it all up to you what you decide to do but that is my take on this situation.

[kctiger]

You are talking about marriage, one of the BIGGEST decisions you can possible make... and you decide to come on here, to total strangers whom know only a paragraph or two about your life.

I have to say, if you have to ask, then I don't think you are ready. I like to think that almost everyone who decides to get married goes into with a full heart and soul, anything less would be cheating the other person (although that doesn't mean the marriage will work out either).

You shouldn't feel pressured to do something you obviously don't feel like doing. If you don't want to marry her, and you have your concerns and doubts beyond the normal fears that creep in about marriage, then don't marry her.

[talaniman]

You can't be pushed into this life changing event, and maybe its time to disappear from her life. Something you should have done years ago when she took to your friend. Let him marry her.

Your way to attached, and not in a healthy way, to make a decent decision for yourself.

[starlite1]

If you are not ready or don't want to get married right now, then I would suggest you don't. Marriage is a huge commitment and both people have to be ready. If you do marry her now when you aren't ready, you may risk having problems down the road. Think long and hard about this, and be true to yourself. Also, I don't think that it is fair that she is giving you an ultimatum. She should value your feelings and thoughts as well.

[arenamar]

I can believe that she is giving you an ultimatum after she went out with your best friend, dated other people and did everything she wanted to do. She went and enjoyed life because she knew you so well; and knew you were going to be there at the end. She knows that she is getting older and there is no more time to play around because she wants to have kids. etc. etc. Look! We just know very little of all the rest that you know. Be honest to yourself. If you are not sure about getting marry jet, don't do it! And if she tells you that she won't wait for you... She is not the right person.:eek:

[i_am_the_lady]

Salvador, I just left the man I love so much a few days ago because he has to think twice about marrying me.

I know he will be back because I believe in our love. But I need to give him the space to realize how much he really feels for me.

Do you really want your fear to push the woman who could be "the one" for you away?
You get married. You don't let marriage get you.

As soon as you are over this fear, Im sure you will enjoy the relationship even more :)