[Racer1880]

Hello everyone. Sorry for the long post. My girlfriend and I celebrated our one-year anniversary last month. We lived together (she pushed hard for that), and enjoyed many of the same interests. Around four months ago, she had to fire her business partner because he was stealing from her company. Because her company is new and struggling, she could not afford to hire someone new. She had to take on all of his duties, which means she now works 7 days a week from sun-up to sundown. It has been a huge stress on her to which I responded by stepping up to the plate. I took care of everything around the home and constantly told her how much I loved, supported, and believed in her. I make a very good living, and she was told I could always pay any of the bills (we had split everything in half).

About 3 weeks ago, she told me that she needed her space and solitude and asked me to leave. She also dumped a lot of crap on me which she now apologizes for as unfair of her to do. She told me that she has been struggling for 3 months that our relationship was not working, but never talked to me about it. I wasn’t totally blind; I asked her several times during this period why she was so distant. Every time I was told that she was just overstressed by her job. When she dumped me, she told me that the door was not shut on us being together, but it was shut enough that she needs her space. Well I feel horrible and am now struggling with my feelings. I did immediately move out. I did vent on her for about 5 minutes just to say my peace and tell her that I still love her, but she treated me so unfairly. My friends that know and love both of us have honestly told me that it wasn’t me and how she went about breaking up was wrong.

A short history on her… She lost a very good job a little over two years ago and retreated inside herself, not talking or hanging out with anyone. She started her own business as a result of the job loss, and as some of you know it’s very difficult and stressful to run your own business.

My question for all of you. I still talk to her. She still calls me everyday. I know she is questioning her dumping me because not to sound full of myself, but I am a great catch and a quality person. I have my faults, but I was a very good partner. I believe that she is just freaking out over the struggles of her business and I was the only element of her life she could unload. When I see her now, she is humbled and very sad. She told me in a text message that she feels like she broke her own heart, and is angry at herself for many reasons. I still hug her and tell her she is a sweet girl and things will look up for her soon. I don’t belittle her or bring up the break-up at all. I wonder why I’m being so nice to someone who for 3 months decided my life without even talking to me about it. I struggle with the fact that I’m so angry with her, but my mother raised me to be a better person, so I am.

I feel stupid for this. I struggle with the fact that I love her, but saddened that my trust level for her is severely damaged. Realistically I know I should move on, but she told me that she wants to take a huge step back and go into dating mode again to rebuild. I don’t think she deserves this, but the feelings of love come up again. Does anyone have any advice? I feel as if she is getting everything she wants at my expense. I’m very sad, angry and confused. Thanks….

[valinors_sorrow]

You two can't rewind back to "dating mode" simply because that isn't possible for anyone except good actors or sociopaths. So nix that idea. There is no reset button in life. I think you are very sad, angry and confused for good reason and all of that is the appropriate response to what I heard about where you've been and what went on too.

What I am thinking is there is more going wrong with her than you either are telling here (which is okay, its your choice) or that you perhaps even see (in a kind of love is blind way). A lot more. I know you think you've been given plausible reasons for her to act the way she has in SOME circumstances and I don't really have specifics to point to that will scream the truth here but... still. Call it intuition but I sense all of her problems: the lost job, the subsequent withdrawal, the creation of a business with an inappropriate partner who steals, the "fired" partner, the stress of too much work and then dumping on you -- its all coming off as a tip of the iceberg kind of thing for much bigger problems to me... problems you can't help her with, and that she can't solve by herself with all the space in China.

I am not one to advocate anything except move on after a break up but I rarely read someone here as well adjusted sounding as you frankly so I am going to say something really different here and this is it:

Since you love her and remarkably don't appear emotionally tied into her dysfunction, I would strongly urge you to offer to take her back, if you can manage that, on one condition -- that she seek professional help. In fact, if you can swing it, offer to pay for it or help pay for it. I believe she needs help like that. If she balks, then there is your answer.

I was messed up once too and a very stable, "better person" kind of guy helped me get help. It changed everything for me. It may or may not work out for you as a relationship -- mine didn't. But without that help, I don't get that there is much of a chance. She reads to me as in too much trouble to be available to any relationship, let alone a healthy one. I am sorry.

[talaniman]

I agree Val this lady needs a friend not a lover as she needs help in the worst way. Too much pressure for to long. A professional is indicated. You also have issues to address. You need space. You are not her solution here I feel. Wish I knew more.

[Racer1880]

Thank you both for your replies. I guess I answered my own question tonight when I told her I was breaking off contact with her. It's just too hard on my heart. She did finally tell me tonight that how she broke up with me was in her own words, "F-up," and she was sorry for hurting me. It wasn't that heartfelt of an apology but more like a defensive jesture of her actions. More like, "This is what I did, I can't take it back, deal with it." But, she did not understand why I would not keep open the line of communication. So, I've decided to move on and let her deal with the repercussions of her actions herself.

[Skell]

I think you have made a wise decision there.
You really need time to yourself to clear your head. Use this time and space to work on yourself. Improve yourself, learn from mistakes etc.
You will find there is so much you can learn about yourself.
Stay positive, smile and live life and have fun!

[s_cianci]

"I feel as if she is getting everything she wants at my expense. I'm very sad, angry and confused."

This ending to your post is very significant. Never put yourself in this kind of position with someone. If you do the relationship will never be balanced and there'll be little incentive for her to pull her share of the load. You need to cut off all contact with her now. No phone, no e-mail, no texting, no in-person, nothing. Get on with your life and work on you. Do the things you like and be your own best friend. Meet and date other women. Make her realize that she's losing you for good. This may light a fire under her and get her to come back to you. Then you'll have the power in the relationship and you won't have to feel like she's getting everything at your expense. Now maybe the stress of her job prevents her from being able to handle a relationship right now. If that's the case, then so be it. Either way, you've got to be fair to you and she has to understand that this is a two-way street. She's got to pull her weight or no deal.

[valinors_sorrow]

As you end this relationship, do not be surprised at any of the things she may do that will further reveal to you just how messed up she is. Do not let her define you in that process or weaken your resolve to be kind to you and especially do not amend the "no contact" arrangement. She'll likely pull several manipulative "weapons" from her "arsenal" and your job is to be "Teflon". Be further resolved to leave and know that who you loved isn't capable of the kind of relationship you both deserved until she seeks help. Don't even think about wanting her back since you know now how much of it was built on fantasy.

You did the right thing as far as I am concerned. She needs help and maybe one day she'll get it (only the odds are against that, frankly). I am so sorry for your loss. Remind yourself that you are grieving so be kind and patient with you, okay?

[kp2171]

Thank you both for your replies. I guess I answered my own question tonight when I told her I was breaking off contact with her. It's just too hard on my heart. She did finally tell me tonight that how she broke up with me was in her own words, "F-up," and she was sorry for hurting me. It wasn't that heartfelt of an apology but more like a defensive jesture of her actions. More like, "This is what I did, I can't take it back, deal with it." But, she did not understand why I would not keep open the line of communication. So, I've decided to move on and let her deal with the repercussions of her actions herself.

Good call.

She might be back. She might not. You might want her then. You might not.

You can still be nice to her, but you cannot be her pillar of support, unless that is enough for you, and even in just a friendship, that is usually not enough.

Good move. Good call. Sucks for some time. You can't fix her. You can direct yourself. Glad you have your head about you.

[Wildcat21]

I also agree breaking off contact is key here. YOU BOTH need space.

She seems to want to control everything. Not good.

By staying in contact you are letting her have what she wants.

Yes, you can't fix someone - she needs fixing.