[advice1]

I am sure that there are so many posts out there with similar stories but I am going to narrate mine (just in case there is something new or different here).

So, I met this wonderful girl 6 months ago through a common friend. We immediately fell for each other and 5 months had been great. She is far more expressive in emotions as well as physically than I am. I am kind of shy, speak less, don't say sweet nothings too much... I behave a lot like Peter Parker from Spiderman.. if you know what I mean.

To add to the complexity of our story, we are from different countries, and eventually will go back to our own countries. When we were together, I was trying to figure out if she would like to move with me to a different country, (US, Australia, UK depending on where my career takes me.. forgot to tell you that I work in management position in a big firm so I travel all the time).

Last month, I told her that I might have to wind up from United States and move to a different country, but I would like to give our plan a try and start working on settling down in a 'neutral' country. She said that she needs time to think about it. And from here, things started going downhill.

She started getting pissed at me at everything. If I am in a meeting and can't pick up her phone, she blamed me for ignoring her. Then if I call her, she won't pick up the phone. A few weeks ago, she broke up with me, saying that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but it is OK to be friends and talk. I accepted that, but I thought that if I meet her in person more often than it might change her mind. (forgot to mention that I get to see her only twice a month because we live in different cities and flight tickets are too expensive to make it every weekend).

So.. I went to meet her last weekend, without telling her that I am coming. I thought I would surprise her. Turned out that my uninvited visit didn't impress her. She had a party to go and she did go ahead with her plans, telling me that I shouldn't have come. Now for those who would say 'you shouldn't have gone without telling', I want to tell you that I have done this in the past, and she loved it.

Anyway, so yeah, I was in my hotel room watching TV all by myself and getting pissed for being treated like this. I met her next day and she was behaving alrite. Later during the evening, I dropped her back to her house and then called her from the airport. AGAIN, she was back to her irate behaviour and didn't talk to me nicely.

With that.. I thought, THIS IS IT.. and after two days of careful delebration, I decided to walk away. So I called her and told her that this situation is sucking happiness out of me, and I would like to get out of it. I am tired of being sad and thinking about 'what is going wrong' all the time. She said 'I understand'. With that, it was over. I have not talked to her, emailed her, txted her, or anything. Neither has she done anything of that sort.

Do I feel good? Hell no, I feel terrible and that's the reason I am here. Could I have changed anything to make it work? I think I can't. I tried everything from taking days off to go on a week vacation with her (which is another aweful thing.. I had to cancel the vacation plans just one week prior to the date).

Just girls out here may call me an for dropping the communication like this.. but ladies.. please be merciful.. you don't know how it feels when your girl turns into an iceberg and tosses the flowers you carefully chose for her, in the backseat of the car..

For right or wrong.. I think it is over..

[Whatever24]

I think you did the right thing. If she was acting dry and being a "female dog" to you, why should you take that? And especially that you paid a flight ticket all the way to go see her and she went to her party, I'm sorry but I'm glad you did the right thing by walking away. Obviously your hurt and your sad, but when you get over it, your going to be proud of yourself and you'll find better.


Hope this kind of helps with the way your feeling :)

[starbuck8]

From what you have told us, I can't see that there is anything here that you could have changed. I know it really sucks, but I think you're just going to have to cut your losses and move on. Have you seen the movie or read the book, "She's just not that into you?" It sounds like this may just be the case. Sorry, I wish I could tell you different.

I would thank your lucky stars that you only had 6 months together, and not several years. Not contacting her is the wisest choice you made. Being friends at this point will not work for you. It will only hurt you more, and you will always be thinking in the back of your head, that there may be a chance for you, when there likely is not.

[mary88]

Well... that's is pretty complicated and the reason she is acting differently toward you after the discussion is because she feels betrayed anytime she calls and you don't pick up and when you call she ignores because she is in a "payback" mode( she's angry).. than she probably hit a stage of feeling unapreciated and began looking at everything in detail. You said she was more open with her emotions and every girl wants the opposite sex to be the same, we want to know what you think and feel most of the time, we don't like to feel the need of forcing the answered out of you.

Overall I will tell you now, she is not going to call... if you truly love her you wouldn't give up, she was wrong to go ahead with her plan being that you came all that way but at the end you should call her and not give up and I'm sure she would apologize.

Also remember that you are always traveling, and you would have to work 10 times harder than a guy who sees his girl everyday. Also remember sometimes females purposely get you angry to see if you are going to jump on the plane or leave because she wants to see if you relly love her, its almost like a little mind game lol. There's that saying about how if you let go and it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with or sumtin lol sorry I can't remember... gud luck

[mary88]

You did the right thing!

[starbuck8]

well... thats is pretty complicated and the reason she is acting differently toward you after the discussion is because she feels betrayed anytime she calls and you dont pick up and wen u call she ignores because she is in a "payback" mode( shes angry)..than she probably hit a stage of feeling unapreciated and began looking at everthing in detail. You said she was more open with her emotions and every girl wants the opposite sex to be the same, we want to know what you think and feel most of the time, we dont like to feel the need of forcing the answered out of you.

Overall i will tell you now, she is not going to call...if you truly love her you wouldnt give up, she was wrong to go ahead with her plan being that you came all that way but at the end you should call her and not give up and im sure she wud apologize.

Also remember that you are always traveling, and you would have to work 10 times harder than a guy who sees his girl everyday. Also remember sometimes females purposely get you angry to see if you are going to jump on the plane or leave because she wants to see if you relly love her, its almost like a little mind game lol. theres that saying about how if you let go and it doesnt come back it was never yours to begin with or sumtin lol sry i can't remember...gud luck

I disagree with this advice. This relationship is very unhealthy. A long term relationship requires trust, respect, and understanding of the others needs. This girl does not seem to want this at all. There is nothing to be gained by chasing her. No contact is the best way to go, and if she decides to come around at some point in time, then you can weigh your options.

Your way of going about this, is almost certain to cause greater hurt. No one needs a cling-on, or a stalker. What you said was all romantic and everything, but it isn't a basis for a solid healthy, long term relationship.

EDIT::... and I believe you were trying to quote the saying "If you love something SET IT FREE"

[kp2171]

You don't like how you feel, but you know reality... and it's a helluva lot better to know where you stand than to live in a lie or false hope.

My first big love lasted over 6 years. We cycled through "should we date or not" that last year. Like you, id sometimes drop in to surprise her. She lived a an hour and change away. Dropping by was never spying. Never meant to be an inconvenience. I didn't do it often... but when I did, shed be thrilled.

The last time I saw her shed hinted she wanted to see me soon, on the phone. So I rearranged my life and hit the road immediately. When I got there, she was lukewarm. Seems shed made plans to see a guy she was interested in. now.. at this time we were... hell... I don't know... not fully broken up... but not sure of where the lines were...

So she asked me to leave. And I did. I told her before I saw her last that this was done. I wasn't going to work harder than her at this relationship, and I expected to be treated better by a casual friend, let alone a lover.

So... sorry you are in this place. Her signals to you are clear.

Back the hell off. Its going to hurt. Drive you mad at times. But it happens. And the gender doesn't matter. A guy can do the same to a girl.

[MiSSsy111222]

Sounds like she is being hurtful because of your lack of attention, which is not your fault.

I'm not sure if you love this girls or not, however this relationship does not sound like it benefits you or her.

Turned out that my uninvited visit didn't impress her. She had a party to go and she did go ahead with her plans, telling me that I shouldn't have come.

This attitudes suck, sounds like to me you are not missing out on much. What you did was a nice surprise and she didn't appreciate it.

In a relationship you have to give and take. No point in being in a relationship which is one sided.

[advice1]

you dont like how you feel, but you know reality... and its a helluva lot better to know where you stand than to live in a lie or false hope.

my first big love lasted over 6 years. we cycled through "should we date or not" that last year. like you, id sometimes drop in to surprise her. she lived a an hour and change away. dropping by was never spying. never meant to be an inconvenience. i didnt do it often... but when i did, shed be thrilled.

the last time i saw her shed hinted she wanted to see me soon, on the phone. so i rearranged my life and hit the road immediately. when i got there, she was lukewarm. seems shed made plans to see a guy she was interested in. now.. at this time we were... hell... i dont know... not fully broken up... but not sure of where the lines were...

so she asked me to leave. and i did. i told her before i saw her last that this was done. i wasnt going to work harder than her at this relationship, and i expected to be treated better by a casual friend, let alone a lover.

so... sorry you are in this place. her signals to you are clear.

back the hell off. its going to hurt. drive you mad at times. but it happens. and the gender doesnt matter. a guy can do the same to a girl.

Forgot to mention in my post, that I had a whopping 7 years long relationship before that. The lesson I learned from that relationship was never allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. So this time, as soon as I saw the sign of the relationship going in that direction I made up my mind and backed off.

Based on the responses above, seems like I am moving in the right direction. In my last relationship, I did everything I could to save it but that didn't work either. My opinion is that when a relationship becomes more of 'what is there for me' debate, it can't work anymore. When I look at my balance sheet (sorry, I am a finance guy, nerdy moment). I notice that I have given too much of time, energy and money into this relationship but never cared. Now when I look back at it, I feel that I should have asked for equal investment so that the deal didn't sound that cheap.. sorry if I sound rude, but that's how I feel right now. Not asking for being thankful for what you offer, sometimes make you look like a tool.

[advice1]

well... thats is pretty complicated and the reason she is acting differently toward you after the discussion is because she feels betrayed anytime she calls and you dont pick up and wen u call she ignores because she is in a "payback" mode( shes angry)..than she probably hit a stage of feeling unapreciated and began looking at everthing in detail. You said she was more open with her emotions and every girl wants the opposite sex to be the same, we want to know what you think and feel most of the time, we dont like to feel the need of forcing the answered out of you.

Overall i will tell you now, she is not going to call...if you truly love her you wouldnt give up, she was wrong to go ahead with her plan being that you came all that way but at the end you should call her and not give up and im sure she wud apologize.

Also remember that you are always traveling, and you would have to work 10 times harder than a guy who sees his girl everyday. Also remember sometimes females purposely get you angry to see if you are going to jump on the plane or leave because she wants to see if you relly love her, its almost like a little mind game lol. theres that saying about how if you let go and it doesnt come back it was never yours to begin with or sumtin lol sry i can't remember...gud luck

I do not believe that she will call me. Partly because, I have always extended the first move.. so right now it will be a little against her 'self respect' if you will, to bow down and call me or talk to me about it. It is a little weird, because she broke up , but I walked away. So she can't tell me that I broke up so I should call if I want to make up.. but then since I walked away, she should say... well you know the drama.

[starbuck8]

Advice1, stick around and talk to some of the other guys around here... and the girls too. There are a lot of guys that have, and are, going through just what you are. They are really helpful. They give their support, and many of them have even moved on to better relationships, so they can help you through it, or just be there to talk when you want to vent or scream! I know it's hard, but it will get better.

[cax11]

Tough it out, until the next girl comes along, she's just a dog, a female dog

[advice1]

tough it out, until the next girl comes along, she's just a dog, a female dog

Dude.. we broke up.. doesn't mean that she is a bad person or something.. she is a very wonderful person. Its just that it didn't work out between us.. doesn't make her or me a bad person.. . watch your tongue

[_Someone_]

So you got over a 7 year old relationship so do the same thing with this 5 month relationship. It is going to be much easier to heal. You have gone through bigger pain before.
The actions she made are really childish and immature.you go to visit her and she says I'm going to a party.ou no man.red flag here.it means disrespect.
About the words that cax11 said. Don't take them personally. Everybody has different ways to express theirself depending on what happened to them. I am saying this because my 3 year relationship with a girl I loved ended because she cheated and started liking another guy. I respected her so much and would never say a bad word for her even if I had a gun pointed in my head but for what she showed in the last moments of our relationship I can say she was a real bit*ch.so let people express theirself.most of them are going into so much pain.
When someone you love suddenly turns into an iceberg(like you said and that's the right word), its very difficult to deal with your emotions.because things changed so rapidly and you have to deal with the shock in the beginning.
But you have a good experience from a 7 year old relationship. I'm pretty sure you are going to get over this quickly.
And finally ill say you some words that helped me to heal... Whatever happened to you was just your destiny and whatever happens to you will be your destiny and you can do nothing to change it. So accept things the way they come and take it easy.
Take care... _someone_

[starbuck8]

_Someone_, although I agree that everyone has their own crosses to bear, I also think it's reckless for Cax11 to just come here and call this girl a dog... "a female dog". I found that very derogatory, and just plain rude.

This isn't somewhere to come and take out his frustrations on other peoples problems and the problems they have with their ex's. while giving advice. That is what their own threads are for. His advice was not helpful, as I'm sure you realised. This shouldn't be about bashing women, or men for that matter. If it were, I would have a mouthful that would send your socks flying off your feet.

I know much about liars and cheaters. I've been to that rodeo.

Again, Advice1, I do agree with -Someone-, this was a very short term relationship, and they happen for a reason. Take your time to think about it, and then focus on better things. She was obviously not the one for you. You deserve better, and I'm sure you'll find it, and this will be a distant memory. :)

[advice1]

So.. I am back here... a couple of days ago, she left an offline message on my messenger 'sorry for trying to talk to you, it won't happen again, I promise'...

Now the background... surprise.. there is no background. I didn't call her, she didn't call me and all of a sudden this message on my messenger.. probably to screw with my head..

Anyway, I did what every normal guy does.. didn't think through and sent a txt message 'hi'.. she didn't reply.. ofcourse..

[starbuck8]

That was incredibly cruel of her to do. I know that you are undoubtedly kicking yourself for replying to her, and yes it was just another jab, just to get to you. I'm sorry to say that many women use this tactic just to get the last word in. This is the very reason to go NC. It just hits you right in the gut again.

[talaniman]

This is where you celebrate your new freedom, and disappear from her life.

[advice1]

So I keep coming back here.. must be a millionth guy doing that..

So of course as I mentioned earlier in my post, I didn't call her back for 2 weeks. But then, I was in town for two weeks (I think I did mention that we don't live in the same city), and I felt aweful just to check out from the town without even saying hello.. so I did call her just to ask how was she doing.. no points for guessing, we decided to meet up for dinner and ended up in my hotel room until late morning.. (no didn't have sex.. but came pretty close)..

Since then she has been very lovey dovey and we have 'kinda' gotten back together.. she still doesn't want to say that we are in a relationship, but its more of a technicality. (e.g. she feels comfortable holding my hands in public or kiss me on my cheek, or stay in my hotel room all night, but doesn't want to make out or have sex)

So now here we stand.. in her heart (at least I think), she wants to come together, but her head is making her not do that.

Any clues?

[advice1]

Finally got the clue.. she was cheating on me.. I found it out from her cellphone which she accidentally left near me and that dude called and then left a txt.. so CHAPTER CLOSED.. WOW..