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Lama22 · Mar 7, 2009, 09:47 PM

Ok so here's the story. Whn I was threeish my parents got divorced and have been separated for like 10 years or so. When I was little I didn't understand much so I guess I just went along with everything and always hoped things might get back to the way they were, one family, one love. Every now and then around the ages 5-10 I would ask my mom or dad why they broke up. Dad would always say well it takes two and my mom would say things just didn't work out. I knew one day I would find out the real reason. Just lately in the past couple year like when I was 12 and 13 I've been catching on and taking in all the clues. And one day my suspection was confirmed as a definite yes. So all the things I thought were true. My mom had cheated!! I really hate her for it but I honestly wonder why! She lies to me so much the small stuff I talk to her about on a daily bases really makes me wonder if she's telling the truth. And she always says who would eve cheat and mess up there family and lie about the divorce but in reality SHE DID! What do you think I should do, ask her about it, leave it e and just know every time I look at her she's the reason why, or... What? How can I find out the other guy? I mean I don't even know his name! Should I hate him too? PLEASE HELP!

darkvision · Mar 7, 2009, 11:10 PM

Id say that your mom is probably "lying" to you out of love, as crazy as that may sound. Personally I think the best option would be to confront her about her lies and let her realize that you deserve the truth.

Another distinct possibility is that she does have a issue with lying, but time will tell on that. If she does try to talk to her about getting help about it.

As for the other guy, that is very hard to say as you know nothing about him. If he had no idea she was married (in other words if she lied to him), then he is blameless for the affair. So in that case I would say ignore him as a factor until you know more. Also unless he is still in your life, then it really doesn't matter one way or the other. What does matter is what your mom has done and is doing to you.

Just realize that in confronting your mom the relationship could get worse, then again by not confronting her you see where the relationship is right now.

Also I think you should talk to your dad about this.

Clough · Mar 8, 2009, 12:37 AM

Hi, Lama22!

Yes, of course you deserve to know the truth if you ask about things, now that you're older and better able to understand. However, in trying to love your parents and move forward into the future, do you think it would be a good idea to hold on to the past and not forgive and not move on into the future with the realization that you've done the best that you can and that each day is a new day? Your parents, hopefully, feel the same way about their lives.

When a person is a child, many issues and problems that adults have are best left out of the mind of the child because most likely, the child won't be able to understand the issues and problems on an adult level.

No one can undo what has happened in the past. The best that we can do is to seek to move ever onward and upward into the future, having learned from the mistakes of the past so that they won't be repeated in the future.

Thanks!

JudyKayTee · Mar 8, 2009, 07:08 AM

You have posted that you were/are in a relationship and can't get disengaged. You seem to be able to forgive yourself for some bad choices.

Give your mother the same break.

AlpineAnnie · Mar 9, 2009, 10:05 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You have posted that you were/are in a relationship and can't get disengaged. You seem to be able to forgive yourself for some bad choices.

Give your mother the same break.

I agree. Your parents' separation happened quite some time ago when they were much younger. Let it go. Your mother is probably not a liar or a cheat when she's telling you how a relationship should be. She wants you to do better than she did. We all want our kids to do better. That doesn't mean we should have to tell our children about every wrong thing we ever did. That event was between your parents. They are human and make mistakes and they try to do better. Let it go.

Lama22 · Mar 9, 2009, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by AlpineAnnie

I agree. Your parents' separation happened quite some time ago when they were much younger. Let it go. Your mother is probably not a liar or a cheat when she's telling you how a relationship should be. She wants you to do better than she did. We all want our kids to do better. That doesn't mean we should have to tell our children about every wrong thing we ever did. That event was between your parents. They are human and make mistakes and they try to do better. Let it go.

Yea I guess I could let it go, but if she has lied to me about something big how don't I know what all the other small stuff she's lying about.. And honestly I don't ave the greatest relationship wit my ma so I don't exactly like her. I want it all to blow up in her face and maybe she should have thought about it before she even had said anything about the divorce. She should have went on the path to truth an not ha e caught her self up in all these lies. It just really bugs me and sometimes makes me want to cry.

darkvision · Mar 9, 2009, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by Lama22

Yea I guess I could let it go, but if she has lied to me about something big how don't I know what all the other small stuff she's lieing about.. And honestly I don't ave the greatest relationship wit my ma so I don't exactly like her. I want it all to blow up in her face and maybe she should have thought about it before she even had said anything about the divorce. She should have went on the path to truth an not ha e caught her self up in all these lies. It just really bugs me and sometimes makes me wanna cry.

You can't know what all she is or isn't lying about. That's why you need to confront her. If she still chooses to lie though their isn't much you can do, other than recognizing that your mom has some problems. I also agree with some of the above that you do need to learn to forgive, but I would make that hinge on her coming clean. Forgiving before she comes clean and acting like it never happened is not advisable because it would just incur more of the same behavior from her. Hope this helps. Keep us posted.

JudyKayTee · Mar 10, 2009, 07:15 AM

Originally Posted by darkvision

You can't know what all she is or isnt lying about. Thats why you need to confront her. If she still chooses to lie though their isnt much you can do, other than recognizing that your mom has some problems. I also agree with some of the above that you do need to learn to forgive, but i would make that hinge on her coming clean. Forgiving before she comes clean and acting like it never happened is not advisable because it would just incur more of the same behavior from her. Hope this helps. keep us posted.

I disagree - I don't think the mother owes the daughter any explanation at all. If the daughter's aim is to embarrass or shame or otherwise upset the mother it would only be out of revenge and for her self-serving purpose.

The daughter blames the mother 100% for the breakup of the marriage. I think it takes two people, not one.

I see an angry daughter who can neither forgive or move on.

I hope she never makes a mistake because what goes around, comes around.

AlpineAnnie · Mar 10, 2009, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by Lama22

Yea I guess I could let it go, but if she has lied to me about something big how don't I know what all the other small stuff she's lieing about.. And honestly I don't ave the greatest relationship wit my ma so I don't exactly like her. I want it all to blow up in her face and maybe she should have thought about it before she even had said anything about the divorce. She should have went on the path to truth an not ha e caught her self up in all these lies. It just really bugs me and sometimes makes me wanna cry.

Someday you will be a parent and this will seem very different to you. If you can't forgive something that she did years ago, it's no wonder you don't have a great relationship. Why don't you start there. Build the relationship and you might be surprised to find that the communication changes over that time. But wanting this to blow up in her face? Shame on you. You have no idea what circumstances surrounded your parents' divorce - why are you just blaming her?

twinkiedooter · Mar 10, 2009, 06:33 PM

What difference does it make now? They are no longer together for whatever reason and you obsessing over it won't change history. Please let this topic alone with your parents. They made their choices and they both decided not to be together. Period.

Lots of children of divorce have a hard time understanding that two people they love just can't live with each other no matter how hard the child wants them to.

artlady · Mar 10, 2009, 06:58 PM

If you have not walked in your mothers shoes you have no business judging her actions.

You do not know that is what broke up the marriage.

Perhaps the marriage was over and the cheating was just a backlash of that.As it often is.

leave it e and just know every time I look at her she's the reason why,

You can not know that and you are crucifying her without a trial.
You are still far too young to understand what happens in marriage.

You should stop dredging up the past and concentrate on now.
Stop trying to blame anyone for something that is beyond your level of understanding.When you are older,perhaps you and Mom can discuss this.

artlady · Mar 10, 2009, 07:03 PM

You can't know what all she is or isn't lying about. That's why you need to confront her.

I totally disagree with this statement.She is a child and it is none of her business what her parents did or do not do.She has no solid proof of an affair and the reasons for the cheating can be complicated and beyond her maturity at this time.