[momof3inCali]

My hubby and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids together, ages 8, 4, and 2. I run a part-time business out of our home (with actual business accounting and prep hours is more like full-time employment) plus I care for our three children.

My hubby has always had an eye for the ladies, even when we were dating. Not at first, but it came out in time. He likes to point out who is wearing a thin bra and who is not as well as who is wearing undies and who is not. He points out butt crack and overflowing bosoms, TO ME! No compliments to me ever, though! Nothing!

About 6 years ago, he was soliciting women across the country to meet with him for sex. I do not know for sure if he did or did not, he claims he didn't, but I do know he met a woman in China and he traveled A LOT at that time. I told him to stop and he claimed that he did but he did not. I printed out his conversations and challenged him but he still continued to lie and make meeting arrangements. Finally I filed for divorce and had papers served. He quit. He sucked up and made nice like never before. I knew it wasn't for real but I was so hopeful that he would at least control this desire for the sake of our marriage and child.

Fast forward 6 years, 2 more children later, he is now asking me to have sex with another woman while he watches. I said no. He asks if I will have sex with a man. I said no. He asks if I will have group sex. I said no. He asks if I will have sex in a room with other people having sex. I said no.

My hubby is emotionally barren. I'm certain he loves me in his own way, but it is without warmth, compassion, affection or attention. I'm starving, but this is the choice I made. I'm willing to accept that. Do I have to accept this sexual obsession he has developed? Am I totally out in left field to say, I am lonely, I am sad, I am devoid of adult human contact and you are badgering me and emotionally abusing me with this tirade of demands for any sexual variation outside of our marriage?

I realize that I have encouraged this in the sense that I've played along with the fantasies, but that is all I thought they were. I never thought he would actually find a person and expect me to meet them at our house. He wants to introduce this person as our "friend" to our neighbors and our children.

I am lonely, sad, without emotional support or encouragement, I feel that he will watch me drown and not step in - I'e asked for his help many times but he does nothing and I've been specific with what I need - he is not my "soft place to land", I don't feel like he has my back and it certainly isn't him and I against the world.

I have three young children to deal with. He is a foreigner by birth. I am hurt but I understand this is the choice I made. What I want to know is am I out of line saying we are through with the whole sex with others thing? Enough is enough. I need unbiased opinions please. No I am not happy, but the future of three young children hangs in the balance here.

Please help.

Thanks,
Momof3inCali

[Synnen]

No one should EVER have to do something sexually that they are not comfortable with.

If you husband forces or coerces you into having a form of sex that you do not want, and say no to, it is rape.

You are not out of line.

You are, however, probably going to have to get out of your marriage in order to be happy. Do you really want YOUR marriage as an example to your children of what a good marriage is?

[smalltowngal]

I agree with Synnen. While I hate to encourage divorce, it's clear that this man is more interested in having a party than a marriage--a party you've made it clear that you don't want to attend.

The first thing you need to learn to do is stand your ground. Why oh why do you allow him to talk you into these things? If he asks and you say and he asks again, tell him "I said NO and I meant it and this is NOT up for discussion!".

I realize you worry about your children. But do you want to risk what a possible pregnancy (either for you or someone your husband gets with) and trying to explain that to them? Do you really want to risk getting a sexually transmitted disease?

If you really don't want to go through a divorce right now, you at the very least need marriage counselling. And fast. I really don't think that after all these years he is going to change, but this has to be your choice. Remember, stand your ground!

[neverme]

I'm sorry this may be the choices you made, and although I do think you made some bad ones

IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE UNHAPPY

And believe me if their mom is this unhappy they are affected greatly by it.

This man does not love you.

And sadly, I doubt you love yourself too much, you are better than this. You deserve better than this treatment.

No one should ever ask you to do ANYTHING that makes you feel uncomfortable, especially in regards to sex.

[bronzebabe]

Everyone here has made good points. here's your biggest problem, your husband IS obsessed, and he will NOT stop. it will get worse. he will continue to bother you till you give in, or leave. you have to ask yourself, can you continue to put up with this. and how will you explain his behavior to the children you have. dont act like they wont know Something is wrong, they may not know exactly what, at first, but later in life, they will think of him as a HUGE pervert, and you as his weak minded slave.
my advice, get out NOW, and never go back. he will lie to you and promise he'll stop. you KNOW he won't, time to get on with life.

[xoxaprilwine]

I agree with everyone. Firstly congratulations, you are successful, intelligent, loving, caring, forgiving, unconditional, self-sacrificing, beautiful and a positively wonderful mom. Your agenda is full of activity you have a lust for life and you are continually growing in your business and personal life (aside from the husband issue).

Since you play so many roles in your life sometimes we as mom's forget that what we condone in a relationship that is considered counter-productive shows the children what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in a marriage or relationship. We live from day to day... trying to get to tomorrow rather then concentrating in the moment. You remember playing house with your friends? This is what children do; you are a role model in their lives so ensure you are instilling the "right" values in their lives. I am only talking about your marriage in this respect. A lot of the things my parents did reflects on my parenting and my relationship with my husband... also the partner you choose in life will reflect those values and chances are they will also choose emotionally abusive partners. Your husband is your partner in life and should support you and have common interests... it is apparent that somewhere down the road he thought he could start pushing you around. Firstly for him to point out woman's bra's, breast size, panties, buttock and sex appeal in general is condescending and demeaning. This is disrespectful to you and your esteem issues and the fact that he pays no compliment to you nor give you any genuine intimacy is a BIG red flag. He evidently has his emotional issues which is a result of his compulsive, impulsive, reckless, selfish and obsessive sex behavior's. I would not put sex parlors past him, he is a sex addict and he probably does realize it but could care less. It's amazing what reality blow he will get when you do decide to leave... he will plead, guilt trip you and shower you with love at that time but you need to stand your ground and live life for you and stop being a subject/victim or emotional/sexual abuse (we all know that usually people start coming around and realizing their faults or becoming the partner they "should" have been when it is too late).

You said you where unhappy and everyone here said "he wont change" and it is better stated that "he wont change for you unless he wants to change for himself", which he has proven to you that he would rather go low key with it then commit to you entirely. It is one thing to have fantasy as you said but another for him to force you or impose sexual intentions you are not comfortable with - THIS IS ABUSE and DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH. You have said to him no, no and no over and over again... then wants to introduce this other person to the neighbors? What is his point in doing this?

You are a deserving woman and therefore deserve to be happy. It sounds as if you may be better off without him... I would file for divorce and start with separation, just remember, he is not going to change for you as change truly comes from within.