[hyperstang392]

For close to month now my wife has been on strike with the house. We have four children age 8 months 3, 8 & 11 . My brother in law is also curently staying with us. My wife will not clean, cook, wash dishes, or fold clothes. She just recently washed some the other day. I guess she did not have anything to wear. She pilled them all in the baby crib where they have been for several days. The house is awful , so much stuff in the living room you cannot walk. She spends countless hours on the internet playing games when she should be cleaning. I work a regular job and also a small side business . I am gone from the house 45-60 hours a week so I can't do a lot of the stuff. My brother in law also works and helps when he can. I know we need counsiling but cannot afford it right now. I am a braking point what can I do. She bad mouths me to friends and family on the phone. Now don't get me wrong I put my two cents in the arguments too, I am not going to sit around and let this woman run over me, I have more respect for myself. I don't want divorce but that may be my only option.

[twinkiedooter]

So what is her reason for the "strike"?

Does she have a job outside the home or is her job the homemaker?

If this woman has no job outside the home and you and your brother hold full time jobs - then either you two are major pigs (meaning not picking up after yourselves clothes wise) or she has some major problems.

So, what is her major malfunction?

[hyperstang392]

Actually its her brother. We are not angels when it comes to picking up after ourselves but we pickup more than she does. No she does not have a job. Today the dishes have been sitting for two or three days , I finally get time to do them and once I am done she critizized my dish washing skills pulling about 10 dishes out of the drainer throwing them back in the sink telling me I don't know how to do dishes.

[twinkiedooter]

You didn't say why she is on strike or has this behavior been building over a period to the point where she now does nothing around the house.

If she's on the internet too much have you considered taking an important part of the connection with you to work - say the power cord to the computer?

If it's her brother being the slob, has he changed his ways and started picking up after himself?

If it's the kids, you say you have an 11 year old and an 8 year old. Are these kids slobs as well not picking up?

I am sure she is unhappy about something and I am sure she has told you what this unhappyness is about.

I just thought of something else. Possibly she has an online male friend and spends all her time on the internet chatting with him. This has been happening a lot lately esepcially with women who have too much time at home alone. She's living in a fantasy world. Is there any way you can look at the history of the sites she has been visiting to see just what sites are "date" sites?

The pick a fight routine is quite typical of someone who is cheating. Anytime a husband or wife wants to be left alone or wants to leave the house (due to the fight) and meet their b/f or g/f a fight is a very convenient way to do this. She may not have met this internet person in the flesh yet as they may live a distance away and it's not convenient yet to do this.

[this8384]

Sounds like my bi-polar mother. She wouldn't cook, clean... just spent hours upon hours in chatrooms. After a few years of this, she met some 80-year-old Hindu man and decided he treated her better than her husband of 24 years. See you, Mom.

I agree with Twinkie completely. Rip the damn cord out of the wall before it's too late.

[Jake2008]

For close to month now my wife has been on strike with the house. We have four children age 8 months 3, 8 & 11 . My brother in law is also curently staying with us. My wife will not clean, cook, wash dishes, or fold clothes. She just recently washed some the other day. I guess she did not have anything to wear. She pilled them all in the baby crib where they have been for several days. The house is awful , so much stuff in the living room you cannot walk. She spends countless hours on the internet playing games when she should be cleaning. I work a regular job and also a small side business . I am gone from the house 45-60 hours a week so I can't do alot of the stuff. My brother in law also works and helps when he can. I know we need counsiling but cannot afford it right now. I am a braking point what can I do. She bad mouths me to friends and family on the phone. Now don't get me wrong I put my two cents in the arguments too, I am not gonna sit around and let this woman run over me, I have more respect for my self. I don't want divorce but that may be my only option.

I always wanted to go on strike too. :)

Your wife is expected to cook for 7 people. Clean up after 7 people. Shop for 7 people. Take care of all the laundry, cleaning, children's schooling- homework and activities, not to mention doctor appointments, likely all holiday planning and prep work, and care for people in the house when they are sick, depressed, upset and unpredictable (as children can be).

She feels undervalued, and unapreciated. Those that have never done the work to the extent she does, have no idea what is involved, and wonder what all the fuss is about.

Why not try walking a mile in her shoes. Work a few less hours, and put in a few more at home. Expect a little less from her, and notice what she does.

Counselling may not be the answer here. Just a little common sense. Hire a housekeeper to come in for an afternoon a week to help with the heavy time consuming jobs of washing floors, cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms. If her time is eased up even by 4 hours a week, that is less stress on her, and shows you understand and appreciate what she does, and enough of an understanding to make her life a little bit easier.

She puts in at least as many hours as you do. If you could both agree that anything over 40 hours a week should be shared, think how much happier everybody would be. Maybe schedule time just for family. Rent a movie, take a hike or bike ride, play board games together.

This has to be resolved one way or the other. How about arranging a babysitter for the kids, and take your wife out to the local coffee shop and just talk about how to get the household back on track.

Good luck.

[artlady]

So while she is sitting there on the computer,who is taking care of the children?

Do they have meals prepared,do they have clean clothing,are they getting ample fresh air ,exercise and attention?Homework help?

If the answer is no ,this is child neglect. Tell her if she doesn't get off her butt and start being a parent you are calling child protective services.

[artlady]

I always wanted to go on strike too.

So did I as a single mother of two boys but I didn't have that option because I had kids.I made the choice and that was it.
She is being neglectful,allowing her kids to be in a dirty home,I find it unconscionable.Sitting in front of a computer all day is just plain selfishness in my book.
No man should have to work to support his family and come home and have to clean.

[simoneaugie]

Actually, I did go on strike. There was only one child, a brother-in-law and a husband to look after but hey, I was working full-time too.

Filthy, messy house, clothes piled in the baby's crib, no meals prepared or dishes done, yep. Then my husband added to his complaints and verbal tirades... He began wearing my clothes, which I did wash. We were the same size, none of my stuff was "girly."

There is a crisis going on at your house. Are you listening, have you been paying attention all along? She has done more than go on strike. It sounds like she has given up.

Yeah, take the computer power cord away. Maybe you should take the entire computer. That does not tell you why she is behaving this way. Asking her what's up may tell you.

Reporting her for neglect of the children would open a nasty can of worms for the entire family. That wouldn't be my first resort. The first thing I'd do would be to take her away for the weekend, away from her brother, the house and the kids. Ask how you can help her and don't argue about her answer. Figure out what it will take for her to feel like taking responsibility for everyone, again.

[DSM521]

I am answering this question as a man that is married and also has four children. I am sure there is many different reasons your wife is doing this. But just from reading your post I get the feeling that she is doing this to make a statement. As you work 2 jobs and are gone a lot it sounds like she has no help around the house. Just because she is the one at home all the time that does not mean she has to take care of all the chores there are to be done.

I hate to implicate that you are doing nothing and it is all her fault but lets face it, you get out of the house she is there all day and perhaps feels bogged down and not appreciated. She may be doing thees as a cry for help. Have you tried talking to her. Your brother in law living with you complicates things so much.

All I can say is take the high road and help out all you can, don't wait for things to build up till they have to be done. Let her know you know how much responsibility she has and how hard her job is. And how much you love her and respect her for doing it.

A stay at home mom is the HARDEST and most IMPORTANT job there is... period.

If you have done this I take back what I have said and there is a real problem. If you have not then try the loving approach and see how she reacts.

[Justwantfair]

Ok, I agree with going on strike to make a point... but to let it progress to this degree!

I agree with everyone... she is on strike, then NO INTERNET, NO COMPUTER. This is childish behavior to let it go this far.

My partner works 60-75 hours a week and I work 40, but my house is ALWAYS picked up. Two children that are made to pick up after themselves, we pitch in TOGETHER every night to make sure dinner is made, enjoyed and dishes are done EVERY night before down time. Down time includes at least one load of laundry being done, leaving weekends for all other cleaning.

[brokenpinata]

I don't want to be one to bring paranoia to the table, but this is sounding a lot like my (ex)wife, months before I discovered she was having an affair with someone she met online. The house went to hell, we rarely did anything together, because she could not be pried away from the computer, where she was always talking to the other guy.

Hopefully, this is not the case in your situation. But this is something you should be wary of.

[twinkiedooter]

Do you have AOL chatrooms or instant messaging on your computer? This is your culprit right there. I've seen women who fall in love with their fantasy man online who tells them such wonderful things to con them. These internet "men" who prey on lonely women who are stay at home moms are rampant.

May I suggest that you check your long distance phone bill and most importantly your bank account statements to see if she has withdrawn any money or has written any "strange" checks lately before it's too late!

The net is full of con men who live as far away as South America who prey on American women. No, I am not joking here. It happened to several men here in Ohio who ended up having their wives have such wonderful "lovers" on the internet that they sent these men hundreds of dollars a month unbeknownst to their husbands until there was nothing in the bank account to send and then it was too late!

[twinkiedooter]

I am answering this question as a man that is married and also has four children. I am sure there is many different reasons why your wife is doing this. But just from reading your post I get the feeling that she is doing this to make a statement. As you work 2 jobs and are gone a lot it sounds like she has no help around the house. Just because she is the one at home all the time that does not mean she has to take care of all the chores there are to be done.

I hate to implicate that you are doing nothing and it is all her fault but lets face it, you get out of the house she is there all day and perhaps feels bogged down and not appreciated. She may be doing thees as a cry for help. Have you tried talking to her. Your brother in law living with you complicates things so much.

All I can say is take the high road and help out all you can, don't wait for things to build up till they have to be done. Let her know you know how much responsibility she has and how hard her job is. And how much you love her and respect her for doing it.

A stay at home mom is the HARDEST and most IMPORTANT job there is........period.

If you have done this I take back what I have said and there is a real problem. If you have not then try the loving approach and see how she reacts.

I'm sorry to disagree with you and I'm not going to give you a reddie BUT I must say that I have been in both situations where I was a stay at home mom and a working mother and wife who had to come home after working all day at a full time nervewracking job only to have to cook a full meal, wash the dishes by hand (as I had no dishwasher), walk the dog, bathe the children, do the laundry, and somehow get some sleep only to get up and do it all over again. This did not include having to drive the husband to work in the morning and pick him up at night after work due to having one vehicle. A 16-18 hour day was nothing for me to do every day.

And quite frankly, the stay at home mom was a much, much , much easier job as I had ALL DAY to do it and would go at my own pace versus have to jump when the boss said jump and I said how high on a constant basis.

I loved being at home and doing such mundane chores as the dishes, laundry, vaccuuming, shopping, cooking (at my own pace) and just doing whatever I damned well pleased.

Any man who works 45-60 hours a week to put food on his table for his family deserves to come home to a clean house, freshly washed clothing, and a good home cooked meal by his wife who is holding up her end of the bargain by being allowed to say home and have the job of homemaker instead of full time working mother and homemaker as a "second job".

Also, she's the one who chose to have 4 kids. She needs to properly take care of 4 kids. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Those kids are her chosen responsibility. She's just being a slacker when it comes to her own job as a homemaker. Yes, it is a full time job I'll admit that. But you need to remember that times are tough and if the man of the house has a job he must be able to go to that job clearheaded every day so he can keep his job to support his family.

Stay at home mom hardest job? No. Stay at home mom important job? Yes.

[donf]

Jake, you have written the almost perfect job description for a wife! Of course you've written almost perfectly even though you only offer a lady's perspective. :)

You left out that the wife must be totally available to answer any of her spouses whims!

Since you know what is needed to be a perfect wife, can I get you to train my lady.

She has severe defects. For example, she has her own perfectly working brain. She believes that if we both make the mess, we both get to clean.

She has a lot more backbone than she needs so it's real hard to sneak stupid stuff past her. She has this concept that right and wrong do exist and therefore I better be on the correct side of the equation.

As for vacation. She took one once. For some dumb reason we agreed to take two nieces and a nephew along with us to NC to go to the Blowing Rock Scottish Highland Games.

One evening, I managed to get all of the kids out of the cabin and into the complex's pool. I came back to the room and made some serious moves on the lady and I was rewarded with, and I quote, "This is my vacation too." and nothing more. Which was OK because by the time I stopped laughing at the concept, the herd was back in the room and it was my lady's turn to laugh!

[Jake2008]

I got the impression that although this was going on for about a month, one of the clues was the dishes were in the sink three days. So, I presume that the basic needs of all concerned are being met.

What she does is invisible work. When the adults leave in the morning to go to their jobs, they return to a clean house, well looked after kids, and it appears as though nothing has changed. What the hell did she do all day one might ask.

The only way she can show you what she does, is to not do it. Then you see the mess and chaos, an upside down house with no order and no meals on the table. If you cannot see it, would you believe that her work is valuable at all?

That hubby is out bringing home the bacon so to speak, does not give him special status in the partnership of marriage. There has to be balance. If that is all HE does, then he needs to wake up and smell the dirty diapers, and make a meaningful contribution to the running of the household.

We aren't talking rocket science here. Pick up after yourself, offer to do the dishes a couple of times a week. Make an effort to put 10 minutes aside to really listen to how her day has gone. While her work may not have financial rewards, try to see the value anyway, and ask questions. Learn about what it takes to make a small effort on a consistent basis to let her know that she has value, and that she is respected and appreciated for what she does.

Maybe start by taking charge of one night. Get the brother in law to babysit, order in pizza for them. Then take your wife out, and talk. Don't be afraid to say that you had no idea what she really did, validate her concerns and admit that you are partly responsible for expecting so much, and you've been unreasonable.

Just be honest. She will tell you, and my guess is she is waiting for you to provide that opportunity.

[this8384]

Another avenue to look into might be counseling through a church. You mentioned that you cannot afford counseling, yet it's very obvious you and your wife need a 3rd party. A lot of churches have counselors who will offer their services at little to no charge; they'd rather see a marriage work than get paid.

[Justwantfair]

I just don't understand... if you want to go on strike, you want to be appreciated for everything you do around the house, you stop for a week. You don't let it go on for one month, while you play on the computer and push the burden onto the other members of the house and set an awful example for the children.

Let's take the male role, he doesn't feel appreciated because he is working 45-60 hours a week, he is exhausted, stressed and mentally drained at the end of the day. Energy is depleated, he would like to come home eat dinner, spend some quality time with the children and crawl into bed to rest before facing the next exhausting day.

Let's put him on strike for one month. No income into the house, oh but he can clean up all that mess that has been accumulating. He has time for the children's activities, he gets the quality time with the children that he forfeits by working his tail end off to support them. He fits in a program or two that he enjoys during the day. Dishes, laundry, grocery shopping... but WAIT... hmmm, no bills are being paid. There aren't any groceries, lights, heat, cable or HOME to worry about.

This behavior is not accomplishing anything after one month. It needs to stop. Under appreciated or not, she has her job and function in a six person family with guest and she has "quit".

I don't agree that the excuse is to cater to her pouting behavior. We are guessing that she wanted to be appreciated, it may be a simple or less simple matter of an online friend. Either way she signed up to participate in that family as well and she needs to get off her hind end and do it!

Housewives work just as hard as men without the social interaction at times, but it is a job with it's own perks. It is a job that is necessary to run a household and it is irresponsible to up and decide one day to quit.

[DSM521]

I'm sorry to disagree with you and I'm not going to give you a reddie BUT I must say that I have been in both situations where I was a stay at home mom and a working mother and wife who had to come home after working all day at a full time nervewracking job only to have to cook a full meal, wash the dishes by hand (as I had no dishwasher), walk the dog, bathe the children, do the laundry, and somehow get some sleep only to get up and do it all over again. This did not include having to drive the husband to work in the morning and pick him up at night after work due to having one vehicle. A 16-18 hour day was nothing for me to do every day.

And quite frankly, the stay at home mom was a much, much , much easier job as I had ALL DAY to do it and would go at my own pace versus have to jump when the boss said jump and I said how high on a constant basis.

I loved being at home and doing such mundane chores as the dishes, laundry, vaccuuming, shopping, cooking (at my own pace) and just doing whatever I damned well pleased.

Any man who works 45-60 hours a week to put food on his table for his family deserves to come home to a clean house, freshly washed clothing, and a good home cooked meal by his wife who is holding up her end of the bargain by being allowed to say home and have the job of homemaker instead of full time working mother and homemaker as a "second job".

Also, she's the one who chose to have 4 kids. She needs to properly take care of 4 kids. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Those kids are her chosen responsibility. She's just being a slacker when it comes to her own job as a homemaker. Yes, it is a full time job I'll admit that. But you need to remember that times are tough and if the man of the house has a job he must be able to go to that job clearheaded every day so he can keep his job to support his family.

Stay at home mom hardest job? No. Stay at home mom important job? Yes.

I don't want to turn this thread into what job is the hardest. Hard is a relative term, there is hard physically, mentally, and so on. To me it is the hardest and most important because at the end of the day when all the work is done and you think back on what good came form the work you did, would you rather please you boss that you jump for or teach, mold, develop, nurture, care for the most important little people in your life. What bigger responsibility in the world is there.

Bosses come and go, we have only one chance to do the right things with our children. I go to work every day in a very competitive soft drink industry. That is cake compared to trying to raise my four children to be honest, loving, respectful, smart, well taken care of, happy, balanced, and any other important virtue you want to add on.

To me you cannot separate the most important from the hardest, what makes it the most important is also what makes it the most difficult. Just my opinion.

Now with that being said and getting back to the OP I feel even if she is trying to make a statement she has let it go on way to long. Her point has been made, and needs to move on. At this point she has let this effect the family and children. Not acceptable period. How ever if this is not a statement and there are other issues causing her to act this way my thoughts and prayers are with you and try to get some help.

[MistyEyesBlue]

lol... You Sir are amazing, you have a house full to the brim with 3 adults and 4 small children (obviously if the house was fine a month ago and now you can barely move through the house, she was the only one doing anything to keep the house going) Men have the audacity to assume just because the house is well run and clean and everyone is happy and in order that it does it all by itself. Who do you think is providing your freshly purchased and cooked meals and your newly washed clothes, the children aren't doing it. And her job doesn't end when she clocks out at 5 pm either, that job is 24/7... ongoing, never a break.

I could never even go to the bathroom alone when my children were younger. I actually came home one evening from work, I had just put in an 11 hour day, my 4 teenage children were all piled in the living room with food and video games and my soon to be x was in the dining room on the computer. I took the groceries in to the kitchen where the dishes, garbage and food filled up two sinks and flowed across the kitchen counter. I decided not to make dinner, put away the groceries and went to bed. The next morning I got up to a still ravaged house, cleaned and washed everything, and put it away. Then, I took the newly un-piled coffee table to the basement so it could not be piled up again, and put one of each cup, bowl, dish and pan that a family of 6 could need till I filled up ONE dishwasher load, then wrapped and packed everything else in boxes and neatly labeled them (which made for an easy move once we did divorce) at that point, they had no choice but to wash their dishes and glasses if they wanted to use them.
All my x had to do was say "ok kids, do your chores" and things would have been taken care of, but no, that was too difficult. Now, friends come to my house after having been to my x's house and they say, "good lord, how did you ever live together for 26 years? he is such a slob"
Needless to say, my house is clean, the lawn well groomed, and I am Happy... his house is in the middle of a 1/4 acre jungle with his new wife that doesn't cook, clean or work. And she is fugly as sin. Now I know some genius is going to say it was about sex... Wrong Again, I am all about incredible sex.

I was sad to walk away from the family I wanted, but my kids are now responsible adults because they followed me and not their father. Stay on strike till you make your own life. Some men just don't get it. p.s. My new man is an equal partner in our life and would never expect to be waited on hand and foot.