[flower81]

This is for my dear friend.
She has been with her partner for 1.5 years. She feel pregnant after 4 months of being together - she gave birth 1 month ago.

She is now telling me that her partner has slapped her about a few times already...
But she said she loves him too much to leave him and take his baby away from him. He is a friend also so I really don't know what to suggest!
I know its wrong! He likes to drink abit too often like every 2 days. He took 1 month off unpaid to 'spend time with his new family' but all he did was sleep and drink, he doesn't help her. She told me he screams at her in public and when at home calls her a whore and to go back to Poland, as they live in Ireland together...

What should I do?

[ChihuahuaMomma]

You should suggest that she remove herself and her child from that toxic environment.

[posey_84]

Yes I agree. Whether she loves him or not she has to think of the baby and that is not a good environment for a baby.

[flower81]

The baby has the fathers surname... not hers. As they arnt married, can she just leave?

[ChihuahuaMomma]

NO, he's still that baby's father. Whether the parents are married or not is irrelevant. They will need to go through the court process to determine custody. But she can take the child and should contact authorities and let them know that she is taking the child because of abuse.

[flower81]

This is awful, I'm so upset. They fight every other day with massive rows... I feel for her as she feels alone as she is living on foreign land with a man who is not respecting her...
She told me after 3 weeks she gave birth he pushed her into drinking again, she did, and felt very guilty

[flower81]

She told him she is slowly getting scared of him.. he answered so u should

[posey_84]

She really needs to speak to someone in authority and get out of there before something awful happens. He doesn't sound like the type of 'man' that can be reasoned with and therefore its pointless talking to him

[Fr_Chuck]

She needs to take the baby and get out, to a friends or to a shelter for her protection and the protection of the baby, what if that hit is on the baby next time.

Actually she needs to call the police if he ever does it and put in him jail, and get a protective order against him and make him be out of the house not her, but she needs to do something,

Putting up with abuse is not rational and will only let more abuse happen

[k3441]

Your friend needs to get her and that baby out of there. She also needs to call the police if he is hitting her!

[flower81]

So it seems like once this happened a few times it will keep re-occuring!

From what she tells me he can't be reasoned with that's very true. In front of friends he is OK with her abit snappy sometimes but nothing major.

If she tells him something he always tells her to stop moaning.

I hope nothing bad happens. As he is my friend also, he doesn't know that she told me all this so I don't want to interfer in some way and then when I'm not there he gets in out on her for telling me.

[Justwantfair]

You need to have your friend contact a battered woman shelter. The longer she stays the greater the danger to her and her child. Abusers do not change, not without help and most of the time the help isn't enough to risk maintaining a relationship with the person.

I would tell your friend to contact a battered woman shelter and file a restraining order to protect herself. She needs to get away, not wait for the next blow-up. Abusers have a cycle, the honeymoon period, tension building, the explosion... the cycles continue for every abuser and the cycle will go faster with time.

Good luck and God bless.

[neverme]

Flower, if you'd rather reply in a pm, I understand, but where in Ireland do you live?

I can give you a list of battered woman's houses for your area.

She needs to get out NOW! This kind of behaviour does not stop and does not go away. It only gets worse.

And is quickly learned by a child. So the child will most likely grow up afraid of their father and resenting their mother for keeping them there.

I can understand being Polish in Ireland that it does not make the situation any easier but these shelters can also help to make a recovery plan for her, and organise counseling for her and after care.

You can advise but she needs to leave of her own accord, you can't force that no matter how much you want to.

If she really won't leave him and you seriously are worried for her or the child's health, the only other option you have is to report it the gardaí. But that is a big step to take and leaves you integrally involved until the case is settled in some way, so think long and hard, and exhaust every other possibility before going down this road.

[flower81]

I'm scared he will get worse because he would have found out she spoke to me about him.. and she will suffer not me

[yaode3zy]

yes i agree. whether she loves him or not she has to think of the baby and that is not a good environment for a baby.

This is exactly what you should do. If she decides she wants to stay with him, then all you can do is support her... Sad situation, but be her reminder of what the reality of the situation is because relationships tends to blind people from the truth.

[flower81]

Its true.
Ill do my best and be a good friend to her

[posey_84]

Yeah flower81 unfortunately that's all u can do- just be a good friend to her and be there when it all falls apart without the 'i told u so'. U can advise her what to do but she has to make the move herself xx good luck xx

[MiSSsy111222]

You are in the same situation that I was in. my friend was the same, abusive relationship and she is pregnant with his child now. Feel free to look up my thread "my friend needs help" there is some good advice on there.