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AlexisNJ · Mar 1, 2009, 09:45 PM

Hopefully this is in the right category and someone can give me some advice..

My best friend had a child about a year and a half ago. She's married. They live in a trailer which is fine of course but it's filthy. This girl doesn't clean too much. She'll leave dishes in the sink for days, dirt and crumbs on the floor. Her dirty clothes are all over the trailer. You can barely see the floor in her room. Her husband and her smoke cigarettes and weed in the their room. They close the door but of course there's a huge gap underneath and you can smell the smoke as soon as you enter the trailer. The little baby has recently been to the hospital for pneumonia and asthma which might have to do with the smoke according to her doctor but she continues to smoke near the baby even when they're out of the house.
She does take the baby to the doctor for shots and such but when I see the little baby she always has dirt under her nails, food all over her face and clothes IF she's even wearing clothes inside of the house, and just dirty.
I don't know if I should call child protective services. Any suggestions or experiences someone can share? It would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

-AlexisNJ

neverme · Mar 1, 2009, 09:49 PM

To be honest, I would call CPS.

Let them check it out, it doesn't sound fair on this little baby to be put through this.

The baby's health and welfare are always paramount, THAT is what being a parent is all about.

arnimal7 · Mar 1, 2009, 10:01 PM

Poor baby. :( I have little ones myself and I can't imagine doing anything like that. The thing that people (adults) don't keep in mind is that babies/children can't change their own diapers, cook food, take a bath themselves, and so on and so forth. What really makes me mad about this situation is that the baby is starting to develop medical problems due to smoke and lack of cleanliness in their home. Is your friend the type of person you can mention something to? Or do you just want to call CPS and tell them? If it were me, I would call CPS. What I like about this sight is that everyone has a different take on different situations. So maybe someone else on here had better advice to give you then me. Anyway good luck with that. Just know that when you make that phone call there is no going back. So think long and hard.

Luscious Leo · Mar 1, 2009, 10:16 PM

Take it from me, a person whom has actually called cps on their stepfather- Calling CPS is opening a whole new can of worms. See, I don't understand. If she's your "best friend" why is it so difficult for you to tell her what she's doing is wrong? I'm no defending her, whatsoever, but sometimes people do make mistakes and you never know what you've got until it's gone. I think you should enlighten her on the situation and let her know "If you don't change your habits- I'll have to take action into my own hands"-. If she cares at all about her baby, she'll do the right thing. If not, have CPS on speed dial.
If you do that, there are going to be tons of people whom you might alienate, or become angry with you, but in the end you will be doing the right thing.

AlexisNJ · Mar 2, 2009, 12:05 AM

First off, thanks to everyone that's answered so far.
Arnimal: I know what you mean. I've been thinking about it for awhile. It's so hard!
Luscious: I've tried talking to her about it before and she always has excuses. "I'm so busy, I have so many things to do, I don't have time, etc.." Always something. She doesn't work so I don't understand what she's so busy doing. Her parents have also tried talking to her but nothing's changed, unfortunately. :/

Jake2008 · Mar 2, 2009, 01:05 AM

Maybe she is overwhelmed.

Why not help her out. Spend a day with her while her mother has the baby, and clean the trailer out. Get some major spring cleaning done, and organize the clothes and mess you see.

Visit a local health clinic, resource centre, addiction centre etc. and gather up information on smoking weed around children and the harmful effects. Her smoking may have something to do with her lack of energy to keep up with everything too.

You have a computer, do a little research that you can print off for her.

If you can present her with help, as her best friend, maybe that is all that needs to be done.

If she is otherwise a good mother, the baby is thriving, and physically healthy, you may be able to do more for her than you realize. We don't know that weed has caused the baby to end up with pneumonia and asthma as the Doctor said, and CPS cannot make that call either. The child may have ended up in hospital regardless of what they smoke.

If she is willing to accept help from you, why not try that first.

AlexisNJ · Mar 2, 2009, 03:23 AM

Thank you so much, Jake. I will definitely try and get some info together. I really don't want to call CPS and take it to the extreme. I would hate to see that little baby get taken away.

Jake2008 · Mar 2, 2009, 06:44 AM

I was trying to think, if it were my best friend, what I would do for her.

I've known friends who have gone through post-partum as well, and that kind of depression leaves everything and anything to do with a baby, a chore, and not very pleasurable.

It is hard to ask for help. If you wait, she may never ask, and things could get worse.

Best of luck to you, I hope this all works out well.

excon · Mar 2, 2009, 07:53 AM

Hello A:

Dirty?? A little weed?? Cigarettes?? It ain't a great household, but I don't see any abuse or neglect.

If you can't influence your friend, I'd mind my own business. Friends don't call the cops on their friends.

Now, if they were BEATING their kids...

excon

neverme · Mar 2, 2009, 12:16 PM

If the child is sick as a direct result of their actions, that's ABUSE!

excon · Mar 2, 2009, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

If the child is sick as a direct result of their actions, that's ABUSE!

Hello never:

I don't disagree with you. And, I'd think it too, if there was some evidence. But, there isn't.

Her friend saying that the little girl has been to the hospital isn't evidence of abuse. It's not even close.

excon

MsMewiththat · Mar 2, 2009, 12:39 PM

Turning your back could become more of a burden than you can imagine. Friends do try to help friends. So if calling the CPS is the last resort... dial. My thoughts are the same as many on here, you owe it to your friend to reach out to her and let her know that she needs help. If she doesn't take it, then it's out of your hands and some one else can explain to her that she needs help. What she is doing is illegal and the baby could eventually be taken away if they are not willing to comply. I understand where excon is coming from... I often don't agree with involving the authorities... I don't necessarily invite them into my home. However, someone has to step in to intervene on behalf of this child that is unable to speak for itself. Behavior that results in long term health disorders for someone else equals abusive treatment in my eyes. There are laws to protect the general public from having to suffer at the hands of someone else's decision to smoke... who speaks for the babies stuck in those cars and small homes with those parents that don't take their own health in to consideration let alone their children?

excon · Mar 2, 2009, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

There are laws to protect the general public from having to suffer at the hands of someone elses decision to smoke...who speaks for the babies stuck in those cars and small homes with those parents that don't take their own health in to consideration let alone their children?

Hello again Ms,

I don't disagree with you either, Ms. Smoking cigarettes in a room with children present IS child abuse... But, the law doesn't agree with us. If you called CPS because they smoke, they'll laugh at you.

I'm not opposed to calling the authorities when there's a reason. I'd just need to see SOME abuse before I called them.

excon

MsMewiththat · Mar 2, 2009, 01:00 PM

100% I think she needs to really be a friend here and reach out to her friend and attempt to help her either raise her standards or desire to reach them. Smoking around children is not an offense. Doing drugs is. Second not keeping them clean or providing a clean environment may not be seen as a crime, but if bad enough could be a reason to both educate( parenting classes) or monitor the living situation. Who knows... what the friend is seeing may be after an attempt to "tidy up a bit" for company...

joy5613 · Mar 3, 2009, 04:38 PM

I think you should try and talk to her about it and if she does not chande then yes I think you should call. See, everyone always thinks that CPS is out to hurt you and take your children when that's not the case. I had them in my life before and they helped because I needed the help and I was willing to work with them. They never took my child and a lot of good things happened for me because of their help. They kind of gave me the push I needed to straighten up my life and maybe that's what your friend needs. Maybe if she thought she would lose her children if she did not change, maybe she'll change. Think about the Kids first and her feelings later. Maybe she'll thank you later. Would you rather just sit by and watch the kids suffer. How would you feel it one of them got hurt? You may not think that it's your responsibility but you are the one who has to live with yourself if something ever happens

joy5613 · Mar 3, 2009, 04:40 PM

I think you should try and talk to her about it and if she does not change then yes I think you should call. See, everyone always thinks that CPS is out to hurt you and take your children when that's not the case. I had them in my life before and they helped because I needed the help and I was willing to work with them. They never took my child and a lot of good things happened for me because of their help. They kind of gave me the push I needed to straighten up my life and maybe that's what your friend needs. Maybe if she thought she would lose her children if she did not change, maybe she'll change. Think about the Kids first and her feelings later. Maybe she'll thank you later. Would you rather just sit by and watch the kids suffer. How would you feel it one of them got hurt? You may not think that it's your responsibility but you are the one who has to live with yourself if something ever happens

godsbabygirl267 · Mar 4, 2009, 01:25 PM

Originally Posted by AlexisNJ

First off, thanks to everyone that's answered so far.
Luscious: I've tried talking to her about it before and she always has excuses. "I'm so busy, I have so many things to do, I don't have time, etc.." Always something. She doesn't work so I don't understand what she's so busy doing. Her parents have also tried talking to her but nothing's changed, unfortunately. :/

If she doesn't have time to give her child a bath, or not smoke weed in the house, she is being a bad mother. I'm not saying she can not change her ways and improve her relationship, but as of now, from what you've told me, it seems that this girl is not ready for kids. Your job is to make sure that baby is in a safe environment. If your friend's actions are harming her child, there is a problem. If she won't take your advice and straighten up, there is a problem. When there is a problem that you alone can not fix, it is your job to get someone involved who can address the problem.