[annica949]

Hi... I am a 33 year old female with a 31 year old male. We have been together for 3 years, most of which we have lived together (in the beginning not officially but he never left my apartment and we bought a house together about a year ago).

My boyfriend is extremely respectful, loyal, honest, and just generally a good person. When I met him, I saw that immediately and fell for him for those traits. Initially, he was affectionate and romantic (the first 2 weeks). After he started staying at my apartment, I noticed an immediate incline. His basic traits of being a good guy are still here, but he is the most unaffectionate person ever and he rarely wants to have sex with me. Just to give you an idea of his personality (and not that this matters to me - but it might give you an idea of how he is) - he would never get jealous. Guys could call me day and night, I could leave for hours (I don't do this, I'm just saying this is who he is)... and he would never care. He NEVER tells me I'm beautiful or anything or that I look nice (and I put a lot into how I look - I go to the gym to stay toned, I always do my hair and makeup, etc.. ) and prior to him, my boyfriends always did that. When I go to work the guys there are always picking up on me. They always tell me they wish I was single. I don't care about them though AT ALL I just want my boyfriend to find me attractive. He says he is attracted to me but his actions completely don't show it. My boyfriend rarely holds my hand or hugs me or kisses me. I have told him this many times and he tries to make an effort sometimes, like if we're watching TV he'll come sit by me and put his leg on me or something. Seriously - that is the extent of it.

I'm thinking he has low testosterone or something because he doesn't seem into girls at all (and that's a good thing - but it's abnormal for a guy) like he's not the type of guy to ever think a girl on TV or in public is hot (and trust me I'm not complaining it just contributes to his personality). He's not gay I can almost guarantee that. If he is he would never explore the option because he looks down on it. I have gay friends and he has voiced his opinion on the subject. He doesn't like BJ's!! (I've never experienced that before so I don't think it's me)... the very first time I tried he said it makes him uncomfortable. When we walk places like in public, he's always 2 feet away from me. We can get dressed up to go to a 5 star restaurant and I will wear stilletto's and a nice dress and he won't even notice.

We have a house together... but we are upside down $200,000, so I'm kind of stuck unless we were to foreclose and ruin my credit. But I don't know what to do because I feel like my boyfriend is my friend. When I mention it to him he tells me "I kiss you all the time." So I went over the last week, all the places we went and did and tried to show him how distant we are. He said he doesn't keep tabs. I asked him when the last time we had sex was... he said he doesn't keep tabs. I could walk in with lingerie and he wouldn't even notice. :( I know I love him as a person but because of this I am not in love and don't know what to do. I love him so much it would kill me to leave (plus I have a 10 year old son that loves him) but without affection or sex or him even noticing that I exist I know this can't go on. We've been together for 3 years and he's never once mentioned marriage but now I'm finally realizing that this may just be a good thing.

What should I do?

[annica949]

By the way, I just reread what I wrote and noticed that I put incline, I meant decline! He is the least romantic person EVER. For valentine's day he didn't even give me a card ;(

[talaniman]

Initially, he was affectionate and romantic (the first 2 weeks). After he started staying at my apartment, I noticed an immediate incline.

Wow, you knew how he was and you still stayed, and even bought a house with him. Thats amazing, and now you want him to change?? Thats highly unlikely.

Two things here, you get attention from everyone but your fella, and you may have emotional stress due to finances. (These are hard times for us all, and the number one stressor in a relationship/marriage is finances)

The next time he says he doesn't keep tabs, tell him to sleep on the couch.

He needs a wake up call that relationships are about both partners, and they HAVE to keep tabs on each other.

Talk and listen.

[annica949]

We actually both make a pretty good amount of money and don't have problems with finances UNLESS we break up in which a foreclosure would ruin our credit (Which I'm Dave Ramsey-like and don't use credit anymore except for a car or house). We never argue over anything except this.

I stayed with him because it didn't affect me like it does now. This past 6 months I have just been feeling completely unwanted. It may have gotten worse, I don't know. I know we didn't argue that much about it before and we do now. They aren't bad arguments but my boyfriend just doesn't talk. He never talks. When we do get into an argument he doesn't say much, then because he doesn't say much I get frustrated and sometimes we don't talk for 3 days. I told him we can't go on like that, 3 days is way too long, we shouldn't even go to bed mad. I asked him if he wants to see a counselor, he told me, "that crap doesn't work". I bought him the book, "The 5 love languages" and he thinks it's BS. :(

[talaniman]

This past 6 months I have just been feeling completely unwanted.

What events has happened in the last 6 months that may have you feeling this year?

See if he thinks sleeping on the couch is BS too!

Even nice guys can be hard headed and stubborn, and where I do not go in for ultimatums, showing you are serious with actions, and your concerns will not be brushed aside, are certainly fair when dealing with stubborn people.

[jman123h]

You had posted on my thread so I felt I could help you out. And I am only a kid however I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. If you are a beautiful woman and he does love you he may just be taking it for granted and should appreciate you more. Maybe tell him that you are feeling terrible and if he really loves you why does he make you feel this way? And if he really loves you and thinks you're great why doesn't he tell you? If he speaks with little emotion make him feel something, get it through to him somehow, and he should realize.

[Yosomoton213]

Do you make him fell wanted/give him affection?