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Justwantfair · Feb 16, 2009, 09:27 AM

My boyfriend and I met a couple about three years ago. We met the wife first and we met the husband second. We became really close friends and the four of us hung out quite often. We knew the wife was cheating on the husband and at first we were closer to her, so we never really said anything about the affairs. At one point in time I had a conversation with her about how dishonest it was to her husband and she blamed it on the behaviors of a best friend of hers and spoke of how she regretted her decisions and wanted to focus on her husband. So once again nothing was said to the husband. The husband and my boyfriend became EXTREMELY close and they were great friends, unfortunately the wife's behaviors weren't confined to infidelities as everything she did was about creating drama and choas and soon the friendship between myself and the wife ended.

My boyfriend and the wife soon had a falling out as well and she now forbids her husband from communicating with either of us. My boyfriend is crushed as they were very similar personalities and really enjoyed each other's company, they had become best friends. The wife is still cheating with any and everyone she can behind his back. We run into him periodically and I have been dying to let it slip about the wife's infidelities but after all of this time I am not completely sure (I had proof previous - when we were all friends) although mutual friends still talk about it as an ongoing problem. No one is telling him, we have SO many mutual friends that know. Some of his own friends have slept/fooled around with his wife. Do we continue to be quiet? I want so badly for him to leave her, he really is a wonderful guy and she is pretty much scum... We can't prove it if we tell now and there are still the questions of why we sat on the information for three years. Doesn't it look like revenge to rat her out now?

this8384 · Feb 16, 2009, 09:36 AM

Yes, it will look like revenge. I know it's hard but it's not your place to say anything to him. Some day, it will all come to light and she'll be found out for who she truly is and when that day comes, you can be there for the husband just like a real friend would.

Justwantfair · Feb 16, 2009, 09:39 AM

That is what we have thought for the last two years. I know that my boyfriend has been dying to have their friendship back. We just keep waiting.

kctiger · Feb 16, 2009, 09:49 AM

Who cares if it looks like revenge? This is a matter of right and wrong. Put yourself in this guy's place. How awful would you feel KNOWING everyone else around you knows your wife is cheating on you, yet never says anything to you?

CSlager · Feb 16, 2009, 10:00 AM

Whatever you do, you will be in a world of hurt when the storm comes. My best advice, it's time to let the poor sap know. Don't tell him about who you know. Explain to him a bit of the truth the rest may come out but you don't need to devastate him.

As far as you personally know, she cheated on him years back when you first became friends and you confronted her. Then as far as you knew she ended that and promised to be faithful. You took her at her word. However you have recently heard rumors that she has began affairs anew and as a concerned friend of his you think he should know. Tell him you can't give specifics because it was only related to you secondhand, but be very specific about anything his wife said to you.

It's not the perfect solution, which would have been to not know in the first place, and once you did know to walk away from the wife completely, but it at least curbs the brunt of anger that may manifest towards your husband and you. I would suggest getting in touch with a lawyer and asking him some questions regarding your responsibilities in case in comes to the point of going to court

sylvan_1998 · Feb 16, 2009, 10:05 AM

I am not sure you can ever get the friendship back with the husband. You see you have betrayed him by not letting him know. Knowing you are in a tough spot, there is not an easy answer. But if your goal is to get him back as a friend, I do no think this will do it.

Good luck

this8384 · Feb 16, 2009, 10:12 AM

While I would prefer if my friend told me my significant other was cheating on me, I don't think it's right for JustWantFair to say anything because of the fact that this isn't their marriage. Do you call the police every time you see one of your friends speeding? No, because it's not your job to stop people from doing wrong; they need to do it themselves or they'll end up getting caught.

Odds are the husband knows but doesn't want to admit it... especially if this woman really is as loose as she sounds.

kctiger · Feb 16, 2009, 10:15 AM

Speeding and cheating isn't in the same ballpark... it isn't even the same sport! I feel it would be my duty to notify one of my friends if I KNEW his wife was cheating on him.

I don't consider it my job to stop someone from breaking in to someone's house... as I am not a police officer. I do consider it my job to notify the proper people of the situation...

Just my opinion.

Justwantfair · Feb 16, 2009, 10:21 AM

I understand the right v. wrong theory, it has been eating at me for quite sometime. I know that we put off our responsibility at the time because we thought we were friends with her and she was saying she would stop the behavior. I couldn't crush him if she was willing to work on her marriage.

Three years later, I just feel horrible. I don't know if this would repair the relationship between us and the husband, although we would most definitely want to be there to help. I fear most that he will not leave her. On my last visit to their house they got into a terrible fight and he lifted his shirt to show a bruise across his ribcage. She had wanted to spend money on her nails, she doesn't work and we knew their financials were tight. Well he apparently tried to stop her and take the money out of the console of the car and she backed the car up with him in the window.

He deserves SO MUCH better, but I know at the time I sat down with him and begged him to leave her, I never told him at that time that I knew about the affairs she was having but just that he didn't deserve her treatment and that he would and could be so much happier if he walked away. That was the last time that we were allowed to hang out with him, now we only see him at his work away from her.

I want SO badly to tell him, but I am worried about starting the feud all over again and him not leaving her in the end. Then all I will have accomplished is a lot of drama that I don't want to really be a part of. I love him, as a friend, he is a wonderful guy. She is going to ruin the rest of his life whether he is with her or whether he leaves her, that I do know for a fact.

this8384 · Feb 16, 2009, 10:24 AM

I agree, the level of severity isn't close whatsoever; however, the same mindset applies. If you speed, you break the rules set by local laws; if you cheat, you break the rules you agreed to when you took your vows.

Like someone else pointed out, why didn't they say anything when they first heard about it? What changed since then? Nothing, as far as I can tell. The wife is still cheating, obviously without remorse, and the husband still doesn't know or at least does a good job pretending.

The wife needs to tell her husband and let him make the decision if he wants to stay with her or not; it's not anyone else's place to stick their nose in, especially if this has been going on for 3 years. But that, too, is my opinion.

DJ28 · Feb 16, 2009, 10:27 AM

I guess it all comes down to, would you want your good friend to tell you if your husband was cheating? How would you feel if no one told you, put yourself in his shoes for this one and I think the answer will come.

Justwantfair · Feb 16, 2009, 10:30 AM

Originally Posted by DJ28

I guess it all comes down to, would you want your good friend to tell you if your husband was cheating? how would you feel if no one told you, put yourself in his shoes for this one and i think the answer will come.

I definitely agree with what you are saying, I have spent two years hoping someone else would man up and tell him. So many people knew about it, we all still know, we all still talk about it, all of our mutual friends know. No one is saying anything. It's so bad, I have even thought about leaving him a random note on his car. UGHHHHH! :(

DJ28 · Feb 16, 2009, 10:32 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I definately agree with what you are saying, I have spent two years hoping someone else would man up and tell him. So many people knew about it, we all still know, we all still talk about it, all of our mutual friends know. No one is saying anything. It's so bad, I have even thought about leaving him a random note on his car. UGHHHHH!! :(

Hey maybe do something like that, leaving a note and not telling who it is from. At least it might get him asking questions. If you did do something like that though, I would maybe put some detail in it so it wouldn't seem fake or something.

this8384 · Feb 16, 2009, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I understand the right v. wrong theory, it has been eating at me for quite sometime. I know that we put off our responsibility at the time because we thought we were friends with her and she was saying she would stop the behavior. I couldn't crush him if she was willing to work on her marriage.

Three years later, I just feel horrible. I don't know if this would repair the relationship between us and the husband, although we would most definately want to be there to help. I fear most that he will not leave her. On my last visit to their house they got into a terrible fight and he lifted his shirt to show a bruise across his ribcage. She had wanted to spend money on her nails, she doesn't work and we knew their financials were tight. Well he apparently tried to stop her and take the money out of the console of the car and she backed the car up with him in the window.

He deserves SO MUCH better, but I know at the time I sat down with him and begged him to leave her, I never told him at that time that I knew about the affairs she was having but just that he didn't deserve her treatment and that he would and could be so much happier if he walked away. That was the last time that we were allowed to hang out with him, now we only see him at his work away from her.

I want SO badly to tell him, but I am worried about starting the feud all over again and him not leaving her in the end. Then all I will have accomplished is alot of drama that I don't want to really be a part of. I love him, as a friend, he is a wonderful guy. She is going to ruin the rest of his life whether he is with her or whether he leaves her, that I do know for a fact.

After reading this, telling him won't change anything. He sounds exactly like my ex: he'd rather be miserable than be alone.

And I bet everyone on this board $20 that he knows she's been unfaithful - more than once.

CSlager · Feb 16, 2009, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by this8384

I agree, the level of severity isn't close whatsoever; however, the same mindset applies. If you speed, you break the rules set by local laws; if you cheat, you break the rules you agreed to when you took your vows.

Like someone else pointed out, why didn't they say anything when they first heard about it? What changed since then? Nothing, as far as I can tell. The wife is still cheating, obviously without remorse, and the husband still doesn't know or at least does a good job pretending.

The wife needs to tell her husband and let him make the decision if he wants to stay with her or not; it's not anyone else's place to stick their nose in, especially if this has been going on for 3 years. But that, too, is my opinion.

However if your friend was drinking and driving you have a legal obligation to call the police, and a fiscal obligation if he was drinking at your bar or your house.

Here is the legal problem, while you are not contractually obligated to interfere with your friends marriage, marriage itself is a contract and therefore any break of that contract by definition ends contractual obligations. Maybe your friend is savvy enough to know that the marriage is on the rocks and does not know how to legally break the contract without paying through the nose. Now you have given him the out he needs.

Sometimes cheating occurs but because the husband cannot find any clues he becomes stuck.

This is way overboard but have you considered hiring a contractor to gather the information on her dirty deeds? That is one way to get the proof that you may desire. The warning of course is that there are some legal problems associated with that as well as the creepy factor of stalking your friends wife, but in the end it allows you to uphold the standard of friendship and to show what lengths you are willing to go to help your friend.

Ultimately though, maybe the best way to begin this conversation is to ask your friend what he believes would be right if he knew that a friends spouse was cheating. That will tell you which direction he will want his friends to go.

HistorianChick · Feb 16, 2009, 11:44 AM

I would feel very betrayed if my best friend didn't tell me that my partner was cheating.

What does your boyfriend think of all of this?

Justwantfair · Feb 16, 2009, 12:09 PM

We both feel horrible for not speaking up, in my boyfriend's defense they weren't best friends until after I had the conversation with the wife. Although they were getting close, but he met the wife first and at first we didn't know him as well.

He misses the heck out of the friendship. He is not a sportsy mans kind of man and it is hard for him to find other guys to relate to. He doesn't think that even if the husband knew that he would leave, primarily because of the children factor, she would NEVER let him date again, it would be a MESSY divorce and she would never let him move on with his life.

missmykids · Apr 27, 2009, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Who cares if it looks like revenge? This is a matter of right and wrong. Put yourself in this guy's place. How awful would you feel KNOWING everyone else around you knows your wife is cheating on you, yet never says anything to you?

I would like to know, I don't care who tells me or when although I would be pretty upset that it took so long but when you care about someone you do what is right, so who cares what it looks like as long as you know you are doing it for the right reason!

lighterrr · Apr 27, 2009, 03:54 PM

Well, I wouldn't say a word I don't think its my place and dot hey have children? I would leave well enough alone, Hubbie probably knows and has accepted it as their way of life. Has he asked you if you think his wife is being unfaithful. If its not a concern to him, then it should not be to you.

Some people have open marriages and their OK with it and it works for them, they could be an open marriage couple.

Gemini54 · Apr 27, 2009, 05:17 PM

I've read all the posts so far and there is a clear division of opinion (as there often is with these things!):

.. Tell...

... Don't tell...

The difficulty with both these responses is that they assume the situation is either black or white. I suspect it isn't. We can never know what goes on in other people's relationships, the agreements (both spoken and unspoken), the dynamics and the level of connection. This situation has been going on for a long time. There is a reason the husband puts up with it, just as there is a reason the wife behaves the way she does. It looks like he's the 'good guy' and she's the 'bad guy', but who can really tell?

He may well know on some level what is going on but doesn’t want to admit it. Admitting it may mean facing drama and upheaval. He may be strongly invested in the relationship and hope that if he does nothing it will go away. Even if you tell him, his wife may deny what has happened. Be prepared for the fact he may stand by his wife and the marriage and what you have left as a friendship could suffer as a result.

Additionally, if you expose her infidelities to him you may also be exposing him to increased humiliation and shame, however well intentioned your actions.

I'd suggest that you need to re-evaluate your own motives. Are you doing this for your friend or for you? Are you doing this because you can’t hold onto this secret any longer, or because you think it is genuinely in his best interests? If you have his best interests at heart then it may be more useful to support him until he comes to the decision he needs to make himself.

As hard as it is to be non-judgemental, this is not your life to live. People need to travel their own paths, even if they seem wrong to you. Even if their actions appear to be terrible and hurtful to others you can’t always interfere.