[texaswaddles]

I read Akoue's reply on socializing cats. I liked it. I have a male Balinese who weighs in at about 12 lbs. He is big for his breed. We had a stray female Siamese [full blood] stray up and was not properly taken care of. We could tell she had been around people because she was so friendly and not afraid of getting the TLC that cats so much like. We have had her about a year and we can not get our male cat to like her. We kept her closed off in a spare bedroom we have with her own food and water and litter box for a few months before we tried to get them to meet and see each other. We wanted him to get use to her just being in the house. Every once in a while we would open the door just enough for them to smell each other and slowly would bring her out and monitor their behavior. He want do anything as long as she is beside me. He does not want anything to do with her. She seems fine with him. I feel he is so jealous of me he does not want her to have anything to do with me at all. They got in a fight for the first time and I had to break it up with tails plumed to the helt. I had to close her off fearing that he would do some damage to her. I don't want to put her back out since she is so use to being in the house. Need some advice.

[Akoue]

Definitely don't put her back out, whatever you do. That would be cruel, as you seem to agree. I have a couple of questions about your situation: Are both cats fixed? How did you discipline the male for fighting with her? What are the cats' feeding and sleeping arrangments--do they eat together at the same time, do they sleep with you on the bed, etc? Do you know what precipitated the fight? How have they been since the fight?

This situation is a bit complicated, so any additional info you can provide will help us to devise a solution that will work for you and the kids.

[texaswaddles]

He is fixed but I don't know about her. I am guessing she is since she does not want to pee on anything. I did not discipline him for fighting with her, I just sternly told him NO and put him out of the bedroom that she is in since that is where the fight took place. She has her own window as he has the backdoor to look out of but he use to lay by the same window in that bedroom before we took her in. I feed him in the kitchen and her in the bedroom where I have her. They have totally separate living quarters. He sleeps with me and always has. She sleeps on the bed in her bedroom. Every once in awhile I will go in there and sleep with her so she is not always alone.

He just came in when she was in the bathroom and I was not even paying attention to either one of them, so what started the fight I don't know. Ask me more questions if needed. Thank you so much for your reply.

[texaswaddles]

Definitely don't put her back out, whatever you do. That would be cruel, as you seem to agree. I have a couple of questions about your situation: Are both cats fixed? How did you discipline the male for fighting with her? What are the cats' feeding and sleeping arrangments--do they eat together at the same time, do they sleep with you on the bed, etc? Do you know what precipitated the fight? How have they been since the fight?

This situation is a bit complicated, so any additional info you can provide will help us to devise a solution that will work for you and the kids.

He is fixed but I don't know about her. I am guessing she is since she does not want to pee on anything. I did not discipline him for fighting with her, I just sternly told him NO and put him out of the bedroom that she is in since that is where the fight took place. She has her own window as he has the backdoor to look out of but he use to lay by the same window in that bedroom before we took her in. I feed him in the kitchen and her in the bedroom where I have her. They have totally separate living quarters. He sleeps with me and always has. She sleeps on the bed in her bedroom. Every once in awhile I will go in there and sleep with her so she is not always alone.

He just came in when she was in the bathroom and I was not even paying attention to either one of them, so what started the fight I don't know. Ask me more questions if needed. Thank you so much for your reply.

[Akoue]

Thanks for the additional info. It helps a lot.

Now I am seeing this as a socialization issue and not just as an aggression issue. I think you need to keep them apart less. Here's what I've done in similar situations: Let them mix and mingle when you're home. Start feeding them together (a few feet apart, say), and supervise them. You should get her to the vet to see if she's been spayed and to make sure she isn't carrying anything contagious that he could pick up from her. Let them start to share their litter box or boxes. They need to get to know each other, and to get used to one another. This should be supervised at first, but I would let them work out their own dynamic under your supervision. (Just remember that you're the one imposing the rules, and it may take them a little while to figure out what those rules are. But cats are smart, and they're generally much more anxious to please than people realize.)

This is also the best, and really the only, way to teach the male that aggression is not okay. If there's some hissing and they get their hair up, just watch closely. If someone starts to advance in an aggressive way toward the other, clap your hands and remove that one to a small room for, say, ten to fifteeen minutes in a small room that doesn't have lots of windows or toys--it needs to feel like a punishment (you can also use a carrier for this if there's no suitable room). Same thing if there's an actual fight. Segregation is a good punishment. Cats often bond around eating and going to the bathroom, so integration here generally goes a long way. It means more work for you in the short-term since you have to play traffice cop, but it'll mean much less work over the long-run.

Also play with them together. This will give you a good opportunity to observe their behavior toward one another. Use a shoe-lace, sit on the floor and let them take turns batting at it. This also gives them a great chance to study each other. If aggression erupts, you're right there to enforce the rules. It's okay if they wrestle. This is actually a good bonding mechanism. Here again you just want to keep an eye on them until they're used to each other.

Let me know how this sounds to you. I'm more than happy to work with you to find a good solution to the problem. I am rooting for you all in this, so your feedback is both welcome and encouraged.

[Wondergirl]

Also play with them together. This will give you a good opportunity to observe their behavior toward one another.

Good advice, Akoue. In addition, the male cat should be fussed over and petted and talked to since it is "his" house and "his" person that this uppity female is trying to take over. Mostly ignore her when the two cats are together. Give him the entire stage. Use his name and talk with him as you play with both of them.

My Thomas Jefferson has always had a fit when I even talk with, much less pet, any of our other three cats. He will hear my voice cooing and sweet-talking and, even if he is in a deep sleep, will immediately wake up and come dashing over to us, do a body check or two on me, worm himself in between my hands and onto my lap, making little scolding noises -- "You're MY person, not theirs!!"

[texaswaddles]

Thanks for the additional info. It helps a lot.

Now I am seeing this as a socialization issue and not just as an aggression issue. I think you need to keep them apart less. Here's what I've done in similar situations: Let them mix and mingle when you're home. Start feeding them together (a few feet apart, say), and supervise them. You should get her to the vet to see if she's been spayed and to make sure she isn't carrying anything contagious that he could pick up from her. Let them start to share their litter box or boxes. They need to get to know each other, and to get used to one another. This should be supervised at first, but I would let them work out their own dynamic under your supervision. (Just remember that you're the one imposing the rules, and it may take them a little while to figure out what those rules are. But cats are smart, and they're generally much more anxious to please than people realize.)

This is also the best, and really the only, way to teach the male that aggression is not okay. If there's some hissing and they get their hair up, just watch closely. If someone starts to advance in an aggressive way toward the other, clap your hands and remove that one to a small room for, say, ten to fifteeen minutes in a small room that doesn't have lots of windows or toys--it needs to feel like a punishment (you can also use a carrier for this if there's no suitable room). Same thing if there's an actual fight. Segregation is a good punishment. Cats often bond around eating and going to the bathroom, so integration here generally goes a long way. It means more work for you in the short-term since you have to play traffice cop, but it'll mean much less work over the long-run.

Also play with them together. This will give you a good opportunity to observe their behavior toward one another. Use a shoe-lace, sit on the floor and let them take turns batting at it. This also gives them a great chance to study each other. If aggression erupts, you're right there to enforce the rules. It's okay if they wrestle. This is actually a good bonding mechanism. Here again you just want to keep an eye on them until they're used to each other.

Let me know how this sounds to you. I'm more than happy to work with you to find a good solution to the problem. I am rooting for you all in this, so your feedback is both welcome and encouraged.

Thank you for your advice. I will try it. I did have the door open for a couple of months and he seemed to be OK with her as long as she stayed in there. If she inched a few feet out of there he was there monitoring her to let her know not to come any further. I guess when they got in that fight I should have not just closed the door on her. I panicked. Well let you know from time to time how it is going. God bless you

[Akoue]

Thank you for your advice. I will try it. I did have the door open for a couple of months and he seemed to be ok with her as long as she stayed in there. If she inched a few feet out of there he was there monitoring her to let her know not to come any further. I guess when they got in that fight I should have not just closed the door on her. I panicked. Well let you know from time to time how it is going. God bless you

Wondergirl is also right that you should fuss over him a lot. Just don't go overboard. You don't want to reinforce that idea that she is unwelcome and he can do with her as he pleases. He'll take his cues from you. If he sees you being affectionate with her, he'll come to understand that she's part of the family. You need to be his teacher--he needs that from you right now. Just be patient with them. It's a big change in their lives, and big changes can rattle anybody. Remember that even when they mess up, they really are trying to do what's right. Slip-ups happen.

And I completely understand why you panicked. I've done the same thing more times than I can count. Just as you're teaching them, they're teaching you. Try to think of it as a dialogue among the three of you. They love you and clearly you love them. That's already a great start.

I wish you all the best and I do hope you'll let me know how things are going. If there are ever any problems, I'm always happy to do my best to pitch in and help. Just remember, be patient with them. I've had it take up to a couple of months before all is well. Still, the rough patch doesn't generally last more than a week or two.

[texaswaddles]

Good advice, Akoue. In addition, the male cat should be fussed over and petted and talked to since it is "his" house and "his" person that this uppity female is trying to take over. Mostly ignore her when the two cats are together. Give him the entire stage. Use his name and talk with him as you play with both of them.

My Thomas Jefferson has always had a fit when I even talk with, much less pet, any of our other three cats. He will hear my voice cooing and sweet-talking and, even if he is in a deep sleep, will immediately wake up and come dashing over to us, do a body check or two on me, worm himself in between my hands and onto my lap, making little scolding noises -- "You're MY person, not theirs!!"

You kind of hit it on the nose wondergirl. He is very jealous of me and that's exactly what he does whether it's a dog or cat. He is just more cautious around other dogs that come into the house. I kind of clued into that; and know that is what I need to do when I begin getting the hint from him. But as Akoue said I need to let her know I love her as well. I always tell him he is my main kitty all the time.