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sierra1977 · Feb 10, 2009, 05:31 PM

I have been married now for 15 yrs. I have 2 children, my son is 14 and my daughter is 12. I married very young, and didn't see most of what life really does have to offer. I want my children to enjoy growing up and not worrying about the hassels of being a parent and spouse before they really need to. My problem is, a little over a yr ago the love I use to have for my hubby has begun to fade. Life as I knew it with him, is no longer there. I will always love him because he is the father of my two children. Im no longer in love with him. I don't crave his touch, I don't want to lay next to him in bed. I don't care to even be by him period. I met a very nice man about 8 months ago, and lord knows I never meant to fall in love with him. Our relationship started as just buddies, friends. We both wasn't looking for nothing else. As the months have worn on he has become so much more, and I see all I want in him. I can see my life with him! I have now come to grips that my life with my hubby is coming to an end, I can't live not loving him the way I use to. Its not fair to me, and its for sure not fair for him. I want him to be able to move on and become happy once again in his life. Im praying that when I sit him down and finally lay this on the table he won't want to just try and kill me. I know he isn't happy, as Im not. Our lives are not as they use to be. We use to be so very happy and now we can't even hold a conversation about nothing, and that includes our children. I have come to a peace about myself with this and know I can do it. I have talked to both of my children and they know we have been having problems for quite a while now, so its no surprise to them. My daughter is taking it rather well, all she can say is Mom its time for you to move on and be happy, my son isn't to happy with it. She wants to go with me and he wants to stay with his dad, which is fine. They are old enough to go where they want to go. I want to know if this has ever happened to anyone else? Any feed back would be lovely..

JudyKayTee · Feb 10, 2009, 05:44 PM

You've discussed this with your children but haven't informed your husband?

N0help4u · Feb 10, 2009, 05:45 PM

I have seen a few posts on this here and I would say it does happen especially when you marry so young and haven't had time to really grow in who you are and what you want in life.
If both of you are not happy and neither of you feel marriage counseling will help then maybe it is your only solution. You need to start communicating with him and seeing what he feels and where he sees things going. It really isn't good to just make the decision and that is final. Get his input, see if he wants to make it work and try if it is what he wants before you just go writing the marriage off.

sierra1977 · Feb 10, 2009, 05:47 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You've discussed this with your children but haven't informed your husband?

I have talked to my hubby, he seems to think I won't go anywhere. He has discussed things with them as well. They have gotten questions from both sides of us.

N0help4u · Feb 10, 2009, 05:53 PM

You say you have discussed this with him
Does that mean he knows about the other guy?
What does he say about what he wants?
Does he want you to work things out or does he just want to keep on going on as things have been and pretend there are no problems or what is his side of the story here?

sierra1977 · Feb 10, 2009, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You say you have discussed this with him
Does that mean he knows about the other guy?
What does he say about what he wants?
Does he want you to work things out or does he just want to keep on going on as things have been and pretend there are no problems or what is his side of the story here?

As of now no he doesn't know about the other guy. He does know I'm truly unhappy and don't really want to be here by any means. My daughter and I went out of town, like 400 miles away from our home this past wkend to go to a rodeo. I knew if I truly loved him anymore as I use to then when I got back I would be all over him and wanting to be around him. We got out of the truck and my hubby walked right by me and went to the shed to get something out. I said hi to him and he turned around and said hey. I have been home for 2 days now and we still haven't even talked other than dealing with our children. He is as over this as I am. We don't even sit next to each other at the table. When we ride and our trucks together, I'm n the back with one of my kids and the other one is up front with him. When we first started having problems we tried to come back to one another, but as of this point, I don't care to try anymore. Im over being unhappy in all I do.

GirlWSlingshot · Feb 11, 2009, 01:06 PM

I think it's highly inappropriate that you both discuss your marriage with your children. They shouldn't have to deal with such adult issues as adolescents.

If you do leave your husband, which it sounds like you're dead set on, make sure you keep living close to him because your kids' lives are going to be interrupted enough by the split up of the family. They don't need to move away from all that they know as well.

Try to think of your children first, not your own wants. They're old enough that they're going to see a lot of what is going on, so make sure that you behave in a way that they can model someday.

Good luck.

Justwantfair · Feb 11, 2009, 01:14 PM

I think the whole situation is inappropriate by you.

Of course you can't rekindle your relationship with your husband, you have emotionally left the relationship for another man. Disregarded your children and how they would feel about having a broken home.

Relationship whether you married too young or not, people don't just keep those same feelings for each other, they work for it everyday, but you have stopped the work to focus on a new relationship.

As far as his distance, you don't spend fifteen years with someone and not know they have emotionally abandoned you. Whether sub-conscience or conscience, he is walking away to protect himself.

Good luck with your new life. I would recommend that you exclude your new lover from contact/introduction with your children and if your goal is to move out with your new lover I would recommend leaving the children with their father during the transition.

GirlWSlingshot · Feb 11, 2009, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I think the whole situation is inappropriate by you.

Of course you can't rekindle your relationship with your husband, you have emotionally left the relationship for another man. Disregarded your children and how they would feel about having a broken home.

Relationship whether you married too young or not, people don't just keep those same feelings for each other, they work for it everyday, but you have stopped the work to focus on a new relationship.

As far as his distance, you don't spend fifteen years with someone and not know they have emotionally abandoned you. Whether sub-conscience or conscience, he is walking away to protect himself.

Good luck with your new life. I would recommend that you exclude your new lover from contact/introduction with your children and if your goal is to move out with your new lover I would recommend leaving the children with their father during the transition.

Had to spread the rep... but that was dead on.

Of course the husband is going to withdraw, (normal) men do not persist where they can tell they're unwanted.

sierra1977 · Feb 11, 2009, 03:18 PM

I have to say, thanks for everything that everyone has left me. Seriously something to think about. I won't go on and on about the emotional roller coster he has put me through in my life or the way he has always been so controlling with my every move since the very day we have been married. I don't try and down people and that would include him as well. Ive never ever said a bad thing about their Dad to them, and never will. That is their Dad no matter if we are together or not. My kids see what he does everyday, so they have made their own minds up on how he is.

sierra1977 · Feb 11, 2009, 03:26 PM

I also know that being I've been the one that is wanting out of my marriage because I'm no longer happy, that I'm the bad one. All the blame will be laid on me. Its always one sided no matter what. Ive been told by numerous people I know including family to just get ready. I don't regret any of my life with him, just he and I have grown so far apart that I can't see life with him anymore. Its not healthly for he or I to live this way. Nor for our children.

Justwantfair · Feb 11, 2009, 03:49 PM

If your relationship can not be repaired, you have every right and responsibility to leave for everyone's welfare, your children included.

Just don't expect sympathy for stepping out on him before handling the situation in a positive way. You quoted him to be controlling but you have managed to have an affair behind his back for the last 8 months, you must have some freedoms.

You have to do what is best for you, just try reprioritizing your life choices... divorce, helping the children cope, new relationship.

sierra1977 · Feb 11, 2009, 03:58 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

If your relationship can not be repaired, you have every right and responsibility to leave for everyone's welfare, your children included.

Just don't expect sympathy for stepping out on him before handling the situation in a positive way. You quoted him to be controlling but you have managed to have an affair behind his back for the last 8 months, you must have some freedoms.

You have to do what is best for you, just try reprioritizing your life choices... divorce, helping the children cope, new relationship.

No darling, I haven't had an affair for 8mths. I said I met him 8 months ago, as I had started talking to him. He became a friend, someone I could talk to. The thing was when he and I started talking it wasn't even about my marriage, it was about just everyday normal things. Its only become something a little more and the last 2 months. Its been quite hard for me!
Matter of fact when I did open up to him about what was going on in my marriage he point blank told me "you need to do all you can do to say your marriage". He himself came from a bad marriage and was with his wife for 20 yrs. He said he tried all he could with his wife and she just didn't want it anymore. Believe me in the last year and half Ive tried everything you can think of to bring the spark back to my marriage. My hubby doesn't believe in therpy in any way. He says they are all quacks and a waste of time, so no need to tell me to try that. Been there already! The trip my daughter and I took this past wkend to go to the rodeo, was the very first time Ive been anywhere alone without him, specially that far. The only reason he let me go was a friend of his was going along with her daughters as well..

JudyKayTee · Feb 11, 2009, 04:48 PM

I have posted this before - I find an emotional affair more damaging to a marriage than a physical affair. Sex is done in a flash; secrets last forever.

And your flippant "darling" comment to Justwantfair is unnecessary and uncalled for. The people who have posted many times, given of themselves and their time, don't deserve your flippant "darling" when addressing them.

And unless your husband had you chained in the garage I don't see the whole "he won't let me ..." angle.

sierra1977 · Feb 11, 2009, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I have posted this before - I find an emotional affair more damaging to a marriage than a physical affair. Sex is done in a flash; secrets last forever.

And your flippant "darling" comment to Justwantfair is unnecessary and uncalled for. The people who have posted many times, given of themselves and their time, don't deserve your flippant "darling" when addressing them.

And unless your husband had you chained in the garage I don't see the whole "he won't let me ..." angle.

Well it wasn't meant as anything wrong when calling her darling. Its something that many of us do down here in the south. I'm sorry if it came across anything more than just being nice.. as know of you have been in this whole thing. I don't feel like I need to have any of feeling sorry for me, but as I said before Im not the one to slam my hubby, so you don't know the whole story. I won't lay all the problems on the line in here. But once again thanks..

JmeMum · Feb 12, 2009, 12:17 AM

I think you sound sad. Im not a strong believer of divorce, but I also don't believe you should live a miserable life when you only have so many moments in a lifetime, why waste the seconds you get with being so upset? On the other hand, it does sound like you are leaving your husband for this other man and if that is the case, it doesn't seem like a good idea. I heard once "you should never leave the one you love for the one you like b/c the one you like will leave you for the one they love." why is marital counseling not on the table?

Jake2008 · Feb 12, 2009, 02:42 AM

I think that you have blinded yourself to your marriage commitments, because you are in love with another man- your words, not mine.

At some point with man #2, you realized that the buddy friendship, was turning serious, yet you continued.

Is it possible that now you are justifying the new man in your life, by deciding that if your husband would have been more attentive/tuned in/talkative etc. you'd not be in love with another?

I'm not so sure you would have attended marriage counselling even if your husband wanted to go. And I think you haven't told him truthfully of the affair you're having, because you are not sure the grass is greener- yet.

You have said you lost feelings for your husband about a year ago. Coincidentally, your lover happened two months later. Could it be you were looking for a way out?

You need to come clean about the affair, and risk a quicker departure than expected.

Preferably, you could arrange an impartial third party, a therapist, to assists with getting the truth out. Until you address what you are hiding, you are not being fair to your husband.

I would also suggest that you leave your lover with a bit of honesty as well, and tell him, until you are legally separated, you will not see him.

You will need time, with your children, to sort things out and start a new life, without adding another man to the picture right off the bat.