Check out some similar questions!

jeffatl · Aug 11, 2006, 02:27 AM

I have been getting some "jump though hoop" types BS from Cali girl. She told me "she is not ready for a realaionship" and Im fine with that, but now Im getting the "I miss you" and "Im thinking about you" texts from her... not sure what to think about that. Is the trying to keep me on a leash, or regreting her decision? I really think Im falling for this girl. She is the first girl I have REALLY liked in the past year, and Im dating a new girl now that just doesn't measure up... I really don't want to sound like a player or think I am a PIMP, but girls are easy to come by, but RARELY do I like them in a GF way. I need some outside views on this people. Thanks!:cool:

I REALLY like this girls A lot, and would LOVE to make things work... is THAT the problem? She texts me about once a day. Cool, but I don't want to be screwed with here... :eek:

cheechthecheechy · Aug 11, 2006, 03:34 AM

Well, you've got to learn to draw the line between normal friendly talk, and signs.

Check with any of your other friends, how many sms's do u get a day from them? Are they the same?

The best and sure way is to ask her yourself. Or ask her friends if you aren't up to it. Just approach her friend, ask for confidency, then ask what she has been saying about you.

If she has been hitting on you and showing signs, then take it further!

Good Luck!

valinors_sorrow · Aug 11, 2006, 07:03 AM

The trouble is you are trying to base your decisions and actions on her feelings which appear to be running hot and cold. The thing mature people do is base their actions on their own feelings and let the other people do likewise. End of roller coaster ride... unless, of course, you prefer the ride. Its called personal integrity-- where what you think and feel matches your actions.

Incongruent people either:
1. know the truth and are playing games (manipulation, control, tactics, etc.)
2. not telling the truth out of not knowing it from immaturity
3. have something (like an addiction, illness, etc) messing it up.

(and I am happy to hear about the three weeks too -- keep coming back!)

K_3 · Aug 11, 2006, 08:22 AM

It depends on your definition of relationship. She can not want a "relationship" and still miss you and think of you. When you date someone, you miss them, think of them, enjoy them without committing to a higher level of commitment.. being a relationship. Dating is the process of getting to know someone, then you see if you want to get more involved. It is OK to date more than one person as long as you are upfront with all involved. Too often someone dates, the next day they are in a relationship and they haven't a clue if they will like this person once they get to know them.

As long as she is not asking you to not date others, I do not think she is playing you by saying those things.

talaniman · Aug 11, 2006, 08:39 AM

Jeff, YOU make the rules and set the boundries of what you'll put up with. That is a ball you keep in your court. One of the reasons you go slow in the first place is that time reveals all truth. Nine times out of ten if you take your time and get to know someone, you find they are not as attractive as you thought. Since there is no commitment your free to move about as you please. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing your feelings honestly as you have a right to question and disagree with whatever makes you uncomfortable. You can answer with silence or with words YOUR choice. Right now she is probing your defenses, And never doubt that she is very capable of reading you, so stand strong for yourself. YOU set the pace here not her.

Wildcat21 · Aug 11, 2006, 08:59 AM

Just be cool about this - you sound all geeked up again.

I personal recommend not returning the text messages... play hard to get.

But you sound all geeked up agan... that very slow if you want her back.

s_cianci · Aug 11, 2006, 04:43 PM

Until the mixed messages stop, it's likely that she will screw with you. Probably the best thing for you to do is to go along with her but with a grain of salt. Don't set your hopes too high or you will probably set yourself up for a big letdown. It doesn't seem like she's very sincere or she wouldn't be sending you all of these mixed messages. You already know the rest of the scoop ; don't pin too much importance on her, don't be too available to her, be busy and have a life (including other dates), etc. Right now she doesn't sound like very viable girlfriend material. However, once she sees how independent you are she may clean up her act. If she doesn't, that's your cue to scratch her off the list, at least as far as considering her a serious prospect.

momincali · Aug 15, 2006, 03:01 PM

Jeff,

As far as the new girl that doesn't measure up, as long as she knows its only a casual thing, its cool, but don't lead her on in any way or form. Personally, I would not choose to date someone who just didn't light me up.

Women tend to send confusing signals on a daily basis...I know it makes you want to rip your gorgeous hair right out from the roots, we don't mean any harm...

However, I don't think Cali is doing this accidentally, I think she has a purpose, to keep you at the distance she feels most comfortable with. Having you around, but not so close that you interfere with her daily life. Not good. She's testing your waters my dear, sound familiar??? Don't allow it. You need your sanity right now and you can't afford to spare any time chasing or even responding to that silly goose right now. You need to focus on you now, not worry about what she's doing or why. I know you REALLY like her, and I'm not telling you not to have emotions for her, I'm just suggesting that you don't act on them, at least not any time soon. She should know that you are focusing on #1 right now and don't have time for games.
It's nice that she came to see you on your birthday and that she was all up on getting your attention (BTW, Happy BDay!!! Ya shoulda told me!...) but don't let those actions play with you, keep focused and have a very good memory of what happened. This time is crucial right now, you can't get twisted and take the chance that you may fall off your sobriety wagon...she's not worth it, no one is.

I'm not trying to get down on you or too serious, you are just too important to me, to us, to not say these things to you. So, just to prove that I love a good laugh just like anyone else...I'm posting a little something for you in honor of your dilemna to lighten things up...

With Love,
M3
:D

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverba l statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.

Oh, and before we forget
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Skell · Aug 15, 2006, 04:43 PM

All the above advice Jeff is great. Awesome stuff.

I'm just concerned that you aren't concentrating on No. 1 here mate. Looking after YOU!

You made the decision remember that YOU were going to look after YOU for a while. I just hope you aren't losing focus and falling back into a situation that might lead you to more pain when you aren't ready for it.

Its about YOU man, NOT her, YOU!!

jeffatl · Aug 16, 2006, 12:30 AM

I think my problem is Im just to darn stubborn to let things go. Its not that Im "clingy" or anything, its just I can NEVER accept failure... I am so used to making things work out in my favor, that its hard to let things not go my way. I have dealt with this situation by not really dealing with it at all... and that's HARD for me. She still contacts me, but I just TRY and blow it off because she is so hot and cold its FRUSTRATING. I think a lot has to do with her best friend. I am good friends with her too, but she is just soooo damn negative twards everything, and I think controls A lot of what she does. It really sucks for the BOTh of them though... I feel bad for them. I start school back next Monday, so there should be PLENTY of girls for me to meet this semester, Im pretty stoked about it!! Side note: Im doing great with the sobriety thing, no drinks for about 3 weeks now, and I feel a lot happier. Im learning to deal with let downs, and know that things will go my way sooner or later. I just need to stop trying to force things to happen... THANKS!!

jeffatl · Aug 16, 2006, 12:39 AM

Originally Posted by momincali

Jeff,

As far as the new girl that doesn't measure up, as long as she knows its only a casual thing, its cool, but don't lead her on in any way or form. Personally, I would not choose to date someone who just didn't light me up.

Women tend to send confusing signals on a daily basis...I know it makes you want to rip your gorgeous hair right out from the roots, we don't mean any harm...

However, I don't think Cali is doing this accidentally, I think she has a purpose, to keep you at the distance she feels most comfortable with. Having you around, but not so close that you interfere with her daily life. Not good. She's testing your waters my dear, sound familiar??? Don't allow it. You need your sanity right now and you can't afford to spare any time chasing or even responding to that silly goose right now. You need to focus on you now, not worry about what she's doing or why. I know you REALLY like her, and I'm not telling you not to have emotions for her, I'm just suggesting that you don't act on them, at least not any time soon. She should know that you are focusing on #1 right now and don't have time for games.
It's nice that she came to see you on your birthday and that she was all up on getting your attention (BTW, Happy BDay!!! Ya shoulda told me!...) but don't let those actions play with you, keep focused and have a very good memory of what happened. This time is crucial right now, you can't get twisted and take the chance that you may fall off your sobriety wagon...she's not worth it, no one is.

I'm not trying to get down on you or too serious, you are just too important to me, to us, to not say these things to you. So, just to prove that I love a good laugh just like anyone else...I'm posting a little something for you in honor of your dilemna to lighten things up...

With Love,
M3
:D

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverba l statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.

Oh, and before we forget
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

M3 you are the BEST!! I totally get what you are saying here, and now that I think about it... this is ALWAYS how she has been! I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with me, she gets scared when I get close to her... thats why she is so "hot and cold". Also, I think in a lot of ways I allow her to act this way with me because, well, I let her do it! I understand she has hang-ups but that doesn't mean I have to sit and wait for her to get over them... I think the best thing for the BOTH of us is to just leave it be... but ARG... its HARD!! I am SOOOOOO DETERMINED when it comes to a challenge that I just can't get over my ego! EGO!! That's what it is! I think a lot of times I have a hard time with this! :mad: I know... I need to just back off... for me and her... She sent me a message today, I didn't rspond... I guess the thing Im scared of is, if I don't she will think Im not interested anymore, but I guess that's what I want so she will want me... hahahahahahahaha this is so damn confusing... :) :eek:

Skell · Aug 16, 2006, 04:14 PM

Jeff,

You sound like you are thinking way too much. Putting so much pressure on yourself, which will put pressure on any relationship.

I can understand this. I am very similar to what you described. My ego can get in the way. I resent thinking I have failed at anything and I love to have things go as I have planned.

That is not in my opinion completely bad or worng. It is good to strive for success and want things your way. But you have to harness that as well. Which isn't easy and something I am learning to do as well.

But as I said. Don't think so much. Just be cool and think a little more about other things in your life as well. It seems to be completely occupying your mind and driving you a little insane.

You don't need that right now!

valinors_sorrow · Aug 16, 2006, 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by Skell

Jeff,

you sound like you are thinking way too much. Putting so much pressure on yourself, which will put pressure on any relationship.

i can understand this. i am very similar to what you described. my ego can get in the way. i resent thinking i have failed at anything and i love to have things go as i have planned.

that is not in my opinion completely bad or worng. it is good to strive for success and want things your way. But you have to harness that as well. which isnt easy and something i am learning to do as well.

but as i said. dont think so much. just be cool and think a little more about other things in your life as well. it seems to be completely occupying your mind and driving you a little insane.

you dont need that right now!

Very insightful, Skell.

May I add that a relationship handled as a personal goal is a recipe for a guaranteed disaster. Its more like a perpetual opening night on a live performance play that you only get to co-author. CO-author, which means half the reins at best.

It has more to do with negotiation of the spoken AND unspoken than anyone would ever like to admit, especially that first year. But its also an exercise in mirror and mystery -- what to mirror or agree on with your partner and what to be mysteriously different or disagree about too. It's a dance, its teamwork, its all about the pyche so take a good look at your people skills in general to see how you will fare. And lastly, if you aren't a whole person to begin with, get there first-- that is a MUST.

I think once you've worked your way through your first year sober Jeff (and maybe through the steps too, if that is a part of it) you might find you are a lot more complete than you were before. I am not raining on your parade here but three weeks recovery is still a newly hatched little baby bird worthy of your protection. And addiction is bad enough to warrant all your attention initially. As I once heard a friend's sponsor say to him, see the girls as bottles with legs on them. Later, when you don't need them you can go back to being with them. And he laughingly complained that if he didn't need them he wouldn't go back at all, so we all laughed as his sponsor said... we'll see, we will just see!

talaniman · Aug 16, 2006, 08:52 PM

Jeff to tell the truth I cannot see you succeed in any relationship until you have worked on yourself first. To make good decisions requires a clear and sharp mind and without knowing anything about the way you drank in the past, I can tell you that after 3 weeks the mind is not sharp yet. As a friend I urge you to take the time to do this sobriety thing right. And give it 100%. There is plenty of time for other things, but for now make YOU the priority. Love yourself, or you can't love somebody else. Take this to the bank!

Skell · Aug 16, 2006, 08:55 PM

I agree with Tal so much here Jeff. It is a point I have been trying to subtely suggest each time you have posted since you told us of your problems..
I thought now was about YOU! Your still worrying about these women.

To sound crude! Stuff them for a while. They can wait.
Look after yourself Jeff.

Once you are OK I'm sure you won't have all this confusion and frustration with relationships!

momincali · Aug 17, 2006, 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by jeffatl

I think my problem is Im just to darn stubborn to let things go. Its not that Im "clingy" or anything, its just I can NEVER accept failure..........I am so used to making things work out in my favor, that its hard to let things not go my way. I have dealt with this situation by not really dealing with it at all..............and thats HARD for me. She still contacts me, but I just TRY and blow it off because she is so hot and cold its FRUSTRATING. I think alot has to do with her best friend. I am good friends with her too, but she is just soooo damn negative twards everything, and I think controls ALOT of what she does. It really sucks for the BOTh of them though...............I feel bad for them. I start school back next Monday, so there should be PLENTY of girls for me to meet this semester, Im pretty stoked about it!!!! side note: Im doing great with the sobriety thing, no drinks for about 3 weeks now, and I feel alot happier. Im learning to deal with let downs, and know that things will go my way sooner or later. I just need to stop trying to force things to happen................THANKS!!!!!!!!!

So, it sounds to me like this frustration and anxiety is based a lot on your stubbornness not to fail, and not so much cause you love this girl. You're beating your head against the sidewalk, trying to figure out why she doesn't want you?? Well, she has hang ups, and her friend controls her, and she is confusing... and, and, and... it's driving you nuts. KNOCK IT OFF! If all those things are true, what makes her so attractive then?? Why would you want to spend any time with someone who hasn't decided if the grass you're offering is green enough for them? Why would you want someone who can be manipulated and controlled? Why would you want someone with hang ups? Do you like to fix things? Is that it? You can't change her, fix her or anything else... she needs to do that.

I'm not telling you to forget about her forever, just for now. Put her on the back burner cause you have much more important things to think about than her. Or... is it that you want to be focused on her so you don't have to think about your daily challenge of staying sober??

School's around the corner, get ready for that. That will improve your life. Stop talking and thinking about all the honeys that are going to be coming your way and start thinking about your future. You are fragile right now my friend. Start questioning your motives and moves. Is this going to improve my life, or complicate it?

I am so proud of you Jeff, I think you are proud of you too. You are tackling one of life's hardest obstacles, you are sober. Take care of that sobriety. Cherish it. The quality of your life depends on it.

Wildcat21 · Aug 17, 2006, 07:59 AM

Because she initially showed attention to him... then:

People Want What They Can't Have. Always.

sageMystic · Sep 20, 2009, 03:13 PM

I have had a similar experience with mixed messages with a fellow AA who is 20 yrs sober, myself 6 1/2 months... the "im not ready for a relationship thing, then sending texts to stay in mY view, keep me interested juuuuuust enough to keep his self esteem up there... and... back forth back forth... I just texted him to please don't text his BS in my direction. I'm done... its utter maddness, and I am too sane to participate... and so THAT is!