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chrissymarie · Feb 6, 2009, 03:26 PM

To all those who haven't read any of my previous posts and those who have but need a reminder... this is what's going on.

My current boyfriends ex girlfriend just gave birth to his baby feb 3rd. The baby was conceived when him and I were not officially a couple. He told me about the baby in October and I agreed to stick by his side. Since then everything between us has been just fine.

Feb. 3rd when the baby was born he called me on the way to the hospital and sent me some pictures through his cell phone. He didn't invite me to the hospital and told me it was not a good idea for me to come because he didn't want to start any drama between me and his ex. I cried all by myself all night while he told me he HAD to stay at the hospital because there was no one there to take care of the baby and his baby mama couldn't move. (such a lie!)

Feb. 4th I was so upset I didn't go to work. He kept dropping by my house all day trying to make me feel better. Finally at night I let him in. He told me everything was going to work out and be OK and he comforted me and when ended up having sex. Right after the sex he put on his shoes and said he had to go back to the hospital to stay the night. Again for the same reason. He made me feel like trash. He hit it and quit it basically.

Feb. 5th he picked me up for lunch at work and lunch went fine until I told him either I had to meet his baby mama and his new baby or else I don't want to be involved with him any longer. He said NO. Right now is not a good time. Maybe later on. I broke up with him.

Ever since he's been calling me and trying to turn everything around on me. He called me crazy and impatient. He's tried writing me a poem. He's called my friends to see if I'm OK and he just keeps saying things will get better and we'll be happy again but he still won't let me meet his baby mama and his new baby.

Am I crazy for dumping him because I think he's hiding something from me? Am I over exaggerating the situation? I seriously feel like this entire time I was just the girl on the side to him. Am I right?

artlady · Feb 6, 2009, 03:32 PM

This girl did just have a baby and it is no time for you to be meeting her and you are being impatient and a bit selfish.I understand you are hurting but what happened to your promise to him to stand by him?
He has been trying to be there for you but he just had a baby and that is his priority right now ,as it should be.
You need to honor your promise to him and quit thinking the worst.
On the 4th he spent all day babying you,you are asking for too much at the wrong time.

Justwantfair · Feb 6, 2009, 03:40 PM

I agree with Artlady.

I know that if I just had a baby the last thing I need is some new g/f up wanting to see me and the baby. This is horrible timing.

I am sure it was uncomfortable having him up at the hospital ALL night long, but no doubt if no one else was there that HE SHOULD BE THERE, he is the father of this child.

Instead of being upset with him you should be proud of him for doing what is right for this child, he needs to be involved and he will need to continue to be involved and it has nothing at all to do with his relationship with you at this point. It's about his relationship with the child, not even the baby's mama.

You need to be more patient. They aren't reconciling he is doing what he should do as a man in this situation.

chrissymarie · Feb 6, 2009, 03:41 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

This girl did just have a baby and it is no time for you to be meeting her and you are being impatient and a bit selfish.I understand you are hurting but what happened to your promise to him to stand by him?
He has been trying to be there for you but he just had a baby and that is his priority right now ,as it should be.
You need to honor your promise to him and quit thinking the worst.
On the 4th he spent all day babying you,you are asking for too much at the wrong time.

He told me he already told his ex about me but now that the baby is here it is not OK for me to be around. He spent last night all night at her house. I'm sorry but I just don't understand why he is doing all this for her when when they are not together. On the 4th he dropped by 4 times. The hospital is 10 minutes from my house. He told me I would be a part of this from the beginning. I even given him money to pay for hospital bills. Now I feel like I meant nothing to him. I am mad because he is choosing his baby's mothers feeling over mine. I am his girlfriend not her. He should make it clear to her that He is involved with a new woman and she needs to be a part of his entire life including his family... right?

artlady · Feb 6, 2009, 04:09 PM

Certainly,you need to be involved but now is just not the right time.

Give them time to bond and get used to what is happening.It would just be improper for you to be meeting her now. Be patient and he will respect you and be grateful to you for it.I know its not easy but you knew this going in.I suspect you are feeling jealous and left out but that will change.

Hang in there kid,it will get better!

Alty · Feb 6, 2009, 04:37 PM

His first priority should be his child, that's what a responsible parent does.

You should be involved if you are planning a future with this man, but right now, right after the birth of the baby, well that's really bad timing. I know that the last thing I'd want after giving birth is to meet the fathers new girlfriend.

You either love him enough to stick by him, realize that he has a major responsibility right now and that you are no longer number one, his child is, or you leave him.

Will this be hard, yes, but it's not impossible. Sadly too many people nowadays have babies being born from different mothers, different fathers, and no one is getting married and forming an actual family, but many of these people make it work.

This child will be a part of his life forever, until the day he dies, get use to it, it won't change.

Good luck.

chrissymarie · Feb 6, 2009, 04:51 PM

I guess I just can't accept being number 2. I got in over my head.

Alty · Feb 6, 2009, 04:54 PM

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

I guess I just can't accept being number 2. I got in over my head.

Chrissy it's not easy to accept, especially because the baby isn't yours.

The question is, do you love him? Are you willing to give him some time to deal with this? How much does your relationship with him matter to you?

Would you want to be with a man that doesn't put his child first? I know I wouldn't.

You're still young, so you have to figure out if he's worth all of this, if you're ready to be second best and love this child because it's his. Are you ready to sit back and wait for him to bring you into this child's life? Are you willing to accept the fact that he and his ex will forever have a relationship because they have a child together?

A lot of tough questions, only you have the answers.

roxypox · Feb 7, 2009, 02:37 AM

I agree with the others, I mean he obviously care about you. (stopping by, taking care of you, calling you after the break up, calling your friends to make sure you're okay... in the middle of this he has made time to see you and to eat lunch with you etc.)

but you are asking a little too much at the wrong time.

The guy has just become a dad, and his x a mom and both of them have just (and I'm assuming) entered new territory here. Give the girl sometimes to adjust being a mom before she meets the dads new girlfriend.

You made him a promise and if you can't keep it then breaking up with him was the right thing .

But don't blame it on him not letting you see the baby and the mom the moment the baby is born.. right now you should just settle for the pics and be proud that he's there for his kid!

neverme · Feb 7, 2009, 09:38 AM

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

I guess I just can't accept being number 2. I got in over my head.

Then don't. Stay gone.

Really though chrissymarie, you should realize that this man is a good man who is standing by his baby and it's primary care provider (it's mother) and still trying to keep you happy.

So you said you'd stick by him, well if you can't do that then walk away and stay away because he doesn't need any extra drama.

chrissymarie · Feb 9, 2009, 08:25 AM

Update: Over the weekend my bf's baby mama called me. She told me they were still together and getting married and they've been together this entire time. She told I need to stay out their lives. When I questioned my boyfriend about he denied everything, but he couldn't prove to me she was lying because he didn't want to make her mad. Whether its true or not I've decided I can't be with a man who lives out of fear of another woman. I told him I stand by his side if things got ugly but I needed proof and peace of mind. All he did was ignore me. I guess he really doesn't care about me. Anyway I'm moving on. This time I'll date someone with no kids and none on the way. I have learned my lesson. Dating a father is just something I can't do. Especially a father who is afraid of their baby mama.

Justwantfair · Feb 9, 2009, 08:40 AM

What a horrible ending to your situation.

You deserve better then what he is offering you, you are very accepting to have dealt with the situation the way you did.

I wouldn't write off all men with children, as I fought my own hurdle with my boyfriend because I have children and he had gone through a similar experience. Not everyone is equal and although you are hurting right now, you should still judge the next man with open eyes and without baggage.

Good luck to you and God bless.

Irishgirl · Feb 9, 2009, 08:51 AM

I just started seeing someone and the first thing he told me was he had a 6yr old and showed me a pic. To some this may sound fast but I respect him for putting his child 1st whether it meant losing a girl or not, I'd like him a lot less if he didn't take responsibility for his child

neverme · Feb 9, 2009, 08:52 AM

Irishgirl, well he was obviously serious about you. Better to start with all the knowledge for both of you.

cozyk · Feb 9, 2009, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Chrissy it's not easy to accept, especially because the baby isn't yours.

The question is, do you love him? Are you willing to give him some time to deal with this? How much does your relationship with him matter to you?

Would you want to be with a man that doesn't put his child first? I know I wouldn't.

You're still young, so you have to figure out if he's worth all of this, if you're ready to be second best and love this child because it's his. Are you ready to sit back and wait for him to bring you into this childs life? Are you willing to accept the fact that he and his ex will forever have a relationship because they have a child together?

Alot of tough questions, only you have the answers.

I need to spread the rep. so I couldn't just "agree." Alten is totally correct. This is the way it will be for this man if he is a decent father. He will always have a connection with the mother too. If you don't think you can handle it with grace and maturity, then you need to get out of it.

cozyk · Feb 9, 2009, 03:41 PM

Originally Posted by cozyk

I need to spread the rep. so I couldn't just "agree." Alten is totally correct. This is the way it will be for this man if he is a decent father. He will always have a connection with the mother too. If you don't think you can handle it with grace and maturity, then you need to get out of it.

Well, I wrote this BEFORE I read that Baby Mama called you, and you broke it off with him. You know yourself and you know if you are willing or not to continue this soap opera and I for one am glad you did not get involved but opted out. You took your power back and made your decision.

chrissymarie · Feb 9, 2009, 04:12 PM

Thanks for the advice Cozyk. All weekend I've been trying really hard to stop thinking about him but he's always on my mind and poppign up unexpectedly with candy and I love you's and all this crap. He's making it very difficult to leave him alone. He brought lunch to my job today with a note on the bag that said "I love you babe...Call me" Ughhh! He's becoming so aggravating. I don't understand why he's being like that. It's like getting me back is justy a game to him. Maybe it's time for me to start a new thread...

Alty · Feb 9, 2009, 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

Thanks for the advice Cozyk. All weekend I've been trying really hard to stop thinking about him but he's always on my mind and poppign up unexpectedly with candy and I love you's and all this crap. He's making it very difficult to leave him alone. He brought lunch to my job today with a note on the bag that said "I love you babe...Call me" Ughhh! He's becoming so aggravating. I don't understand why he's being like that. it's like getting me back is justy a game to him. Maybe it's time for me to start a new thread...

Have you considered that the only one playing games is the mother of his child. Of course she wants you out of his life, in her mind that would clear the way for her.

I don't know you, I don't know the guy, but it sounds to me like he has a lot to deal with right now, two women to keep happy and a new baby, maybe he's just doing the best he can.

It's really your call, but are you sure you're not just jumping the gun because of what one hormonal women said?

liz28 · Feb 9, 2009, 04:39 PM

I think staying away from him would save you a lot of drama. I am unsure if his baby mother is lying but some where in her story tells the half truth and if you already confronted him about her phone call, well you should know when he's lying.

chrissymarie · Feb 9, 2009, 04:57 PM

He's never lied to me before but something about this whole situation just makes me so angry. Just the fact that his baby's mother could get his phone and call me from it bothers me. Also the fact she completely disprespected me and our relationship and my boyfriend had nothing to say to her about it just really hurts my feelings.