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haynmama · Feb 6, 2009, 01:01 AM

I have 2 children that I gave up about 9 years ago but always kept in contact... but moved to a different state which made it hard on me too visit. My kids are aware of who I am and tells me that they miss me all the time.. now here is the problem at the time of my court hearing I had no lawyer no support form anyone didn't have a clue what I was doing and decided at the time it was in the best interest of my kids to be with their dad until I could get stabled but then I fell into a deep depression andfinally came out of it and is very stable, married and have other children.
I've had them stay with me on weekends and etc when I used to live in the same state but now I want to gain back my rights as a mother and have joint custody but the father will not give it too me...
When we went to court the judge told me that I can come back for joint when I am stable... I don't know where to begin or what steps to take the father is wealthy and I'm not!
What are my chances of getting at least joint custody but live in another state? Or do you think it's the right thing to do? :(

cadillac59 · Feb 6, 2009, 10:49 AM

I think it will be difficult to make a radical change in the children's lives after 9 years. Having a 50-50 timeshare (if that is what you mean by "joint custody") is nearly impossible with school age kids across state lines unless you are like 15 miles apart and the state line divides you (what about their school schedules?). My hunch is the best you are going to wind up with is liberal vacation and holiday times (a schedule typically commencing one week after school gets out to one week before it re-commences- splitting the x-mas and Spring break, that sort of thing). Transportation costs would likely be shared equally between you and the dad.

But just because you've got your life together now isn't likely going to be enough to switch custody (there's a case in California involving this same thing--an appellate case-- where the mom went into rehab, got out and wanted the kids back and the court said, sorry).

You might ask for a custody evaluation if you want to really go to town on it (but be prepared to spend a lot of money with no guaranteed outcome).

cjonline · Feb 6, 2009, 11:59 AM

OP – please clarify what you mean by joint custody and how far away you are from your kids so we can help better.

My first thought was joint legal custody until I read what cadillac59 posted. If its joint legal that you want so you can make the legal choices about your kids, but you live far apart like more than 50 miles, the court might find it in the best interest of the children to keep it as it is no matter how well you life is put together. If you aren't in the area to sign papers for medical treatment or go to the school for meetings and such then problems could come up because of that. If you are close by or in the same city/area and you can be there in a reasonable amount of time then the courts could grant it without causing too many problems with how things are done now.

If you are talking about split custody (50/50 split, one week with you one week with your ex) then you have to be living close to them. Here they won't do that unless both parents are living in the same school district or one parent has to drive the children to school on their time. My friend went through this and the judge told her that if she failed to get them to school on time or they missed even one day in the next year while they were with her then the custody would be reverted back to how it was and not be addressed again for three years.

Cadillac59 is right; the courts are going to do what is best for the children no matter how well your life is now. Having them go from full time in one home to part time in both is upsetting enough for kids without having to deal with the school and activates that kids are and want to be involved in. The courts are looking at it all before they rule. The kids might be totally for this but If your ex is fighting it then he will bring it all up to try to stop you. You will have to make the sacrifice, extra money for gas and the time driving them to and from all the things they currently do like school, sports, friends, and activities after school. The judge will not put the burden on your ex or the children for this change.

It might be better to get visitation (some states call it parenting time). If you live far away then you could get summers and holidays with your kids. If you live close (I'm guessing that is not the case) then you can get some weekends with some longer time in the summer and some holidays.

ScottGem · Feb 6, 2009, 12:10 PM

Let me get some things clarified. It does not sound like you gave up your rights to the children, only that you gave full physical custody to the father. You need to get a copy of the custody agreement signed off by the court to confirm what your current status is.

If the court ordered visitation, and the father moved away without court approval, he may have violated the court order. That's a point your attorney may make good use of.

I do however, think that after 9 yrs no court is likely to award you full physical custody. So the best you can hope for is some extended visitation like the summer or other school breaks.