[estella bella]

Too close to ignore it.
Too open and out to ignore
It. Too much of the way
We like to ignore it.

Running up the stairs,
With the feeling inside, and
Many more feelings to follow.

The time was unmanaged
That night. The clock wasn't
Even so much as glanced at.

Walking in awkwardness starts
To approach us. The awkwardness
Did so much as fade.

The rage thought in my head.
Remember is not a familiar word
For us. I only remember when there
Is shaking and desire.

The bobbypin was lost.
The bobbypin was downstairs.
Walking slowly,happily, and with
Much aggression to hold something.
With a little bit of hope, it would be
A hand.

The people get fun. When it is fun,
There is more love and smiles.
Love equals happiness. Our hearts
Were dancing more than our bodies
That night.

As we drink more, our hearts talk
For us more. Always nest to each other,
The ciggarette winks at me in a moderate,
But timely fashion.

The moment was special.
The moment was special because
You asked for one. I know that it
Was backwards on purpose.

There is no-one to blame.
I'm not to blame, your not to blame.
It was our own hearts that put us to shame.

[linnealand]

*this post should be read as an adjunct to the response I submitted in your other thread.

I think there is a lot of unnecessary obscurity going on here as well. Some elements of mystery, surprise and the unknown can be good for a poem, but it's not helpful to it if that vagueness is never, say, pulled together to make your theme or your story clear. The part about the bobby pin really lost me. Try to think about what is necessary for your poems to work. Although it might make sense to you, you really do want your reader to be able to join you in understanding what's going on. These comments should only be seen as constructive criticism. I am always in favor of encouraging the use of creative outlets. Keep at it, especially if you're enjoying it as much as I'm guessing you are.

[giri_passport]

The feelings and the thoughts in the poem are great... But the words need to be chosen more carefully... Somewhere the reader will fwwl that he is losing his way since there are too many details regarding the scenery and materialistic things... more focus shouls be on what needs to be conveyed through his poem