[roxypox]

My sister and my mother had a fall out the 26th of desember and she was basically tossed out of moms life, and I was tossed out as well. (my sister and I live together, so mom assumed, correctly, that I would take my sisters side)

My mom has a serious pill addiction, and I'm the oldest of three siblings, we have a long and painful history were I have taken care of her and my siblings and backed up my dad from the age of 13 to 19. Basically had to 'grow up' fast and have parental responsibilities at a very early age. And our relationship has been very crooked at times. Where she acts senseless and she actually needs someone to keep her in line... (which sounds silly, I know, but she's been like a kid at times)

I haven't talked to my mom since the 25th of December, and She deleted me as a friend on face book, so I blocked her. But the other day, she sent my sister an email, and I was curious to see if she would contact me as well. So I unblocked her last night and today I got an email. I kind of figured she wouldn't. I know she loves me, but she has never been able to control me and I have never asked her for help to live life... I never needed her the way my siblings have.

I have no idea what to do, or what I want to do. On one hand I want to have contact, she's my mom and I love her, but I want to have her on an arms length away...

On the other hand it really bothers me that she is so... casual in her mail... she didn't even break contact with me her self she got dad to do it.

Any thoughts on this?

Ps: my mom isn't high or strung out on pills all the time, she has periods where she will be on pills for a few weeks, and then she can have months without i.e. she does take pain medication everyday, but in the off-periods she takes aspirin and other pills that don't give the same effect as the pills she takes in the 'on-periods'

[talaniman]

Beyond being respectful, it's a good idea to keep her at arms length, and keep living your own life, your own way.

That keeps the peace, and you can always back away from the situation when it gets to hard to handle.

As you can tell, I believe in loving from a distance, when it comes to conflict with our elders, that are family. I have learned you'll never change their mind, or attitude, but can respectfully leave them alone.

[roxypox]

Thank you tal! I like your thoughts on this. And I totally agree with you!

I have had a fall out with her before, I hardly talked to her from jan 06 until June 07, and I'm thinking that that would work out nicely, I could have her in my life and she could have me... but she wasn't involved in my day to day life, and also when she steped outside the line (pills-wise) I could pull a way.

I'm so with you, we can rarely change their minds. LOl I think I'm the only one in the family who actually realizes that she will never change her ways. The same with grandma (moms mom)

Her mail is very polite as well though. She starts of by calling me by a nickname she has for me followed by several (!) and then asking me how things are and how I'm doing and that she's heard rumors that I'm dating the guy I'm dating... (he lives close to where she lives) and then she says; that's nice hun! And she ended it with Love mom and dad. (I'm guessing she threw him in there because she knows I talk to him.

PS: I've seen how much my sister has struggled with this thing. They have been very very close for years, and I realized last week that this was hard for me as well. To not be able to tell her all those stupid little things in life; my grades from the finals I had in December, or about me seeing this guy... or that I will be done with my BA this summer and apply for grad school...

[roxypox]

Okay, so I answered the mail. Very polite and I tried to keep it short (lol, but just look at most of my posts on AHMD, I'm terrible at keeping things short)

Thanks again tal!

[chuff]

I haven't talked to my dad in years and while he wasn't abusive we just never connected. I tried several times to be cordial but he kept lying to me so I just decided that at some point it was like you did what you had to raise me, I never went hungry, always clothed but now I'm going on my own and for the sake of both of us, I'm staying away. Even if they are your parents when you have to strain to keep it going, I think it is better to walk away happy for yourself.

[roxypox]

Chuff: I can see what you mean! I had very little contact with my bio dad from age 10 until 17 and no contact from age 17 (my birthday) until I was almost 20. And now I speak to him maybe 2-5 times a year. I must say I miss having him in my life, not because I know him or because it makes a difference, but I wish I knew him. We are kind of similar, from what I do know. LOL

Theat period when I hardly spoke to my mom, well it worked out pretty well for me at least. I hardly talked to her, but I still had her there just in case, and I got to go at my pace, and get as much space as I needed. No one has hurt me as much as she has, but it hasn't been all bad. When she's HER, she's a very amazing woman, generous, giving, loving and kind. Its like dealing with two people.

She answered my mail just now. She's trying to make jokes (that she thinks I'll like... lol funny how you can see that from just a few words.) I told her that I had a cold, and she told me to drink lots of water, take vitamins and get plenty of rest...

I know one thing for sure. These scares and wounds inside me... won't heal, and can't be erased, by just a mail or two and we can't magiclly get back to where we were... by a push of a button, but I think she realizes that as well!

[neverme]

I haven't spoken to my father in years either. We don't get on to say the least. I am the eldest of three siblings and sometimes I find it hard as it is easy to feel left out, but that's maybe one day in 365! Ha, no only joking but its better this way for me.

If you don't get on with them there's nothing you can do: try to keep it cordial, if you can, if you can't, then don't.

Hate to sound overly simplistic but you only get one life and if someone's making you feel less than fab then they don't need to be there. Whether or not their related to you..

[MarkwithaK]

My old man left when I was 1. He never had any real involvement in my life and for the longest time I was bitter about it. Over the past 15 years or so I have let it go but when I do see him I make no effort to treat him like a father because he never was. Last time I saw him was a few months back at the hardware store. Our conversation was brief and casual, more like talking to a distant relative you don't really care for.

[roxypox]

My old man left when I was 1. He never had any real involvement in my life and for the longest time I was bitter about it. Over the past 15 years or so I have let it go but when I do see him I make no effort to treat him like a father because he never was. Last time I saw him was a few months back at the hardware store. Our conversation was brief and casual, more like talking to a distant relative you don't really care for.

I totally see where you're coming from...

Yeah my bio dad doesn't feel like a dad to me either, he missed out on a lot of growing up, and he knows it... my step dad (whom I call dad) however, he's the one who's been there. He has comforted me when I've been sad, made sure I had clothes on my back, drove me to school, made my lunch and given me fatherly advice in friendships and relationships (lol best one was when he told me to move on from my x boyfriend. :p

"Roxy, he's a nice guy and all... but you are going somewhere and he isn't going anywhere, you have a job, an apartment and school... and plans.. he could just pick up and travel the world tomorrow ,and you can't do that :) that's what a dad does. They're there.

When I meet my bio dad, I think its kind of wired to be honest, and strained... neither of us know what to do..

I spent a lot of time getting over it as well. But it was easier w bio dad then mom, he did one thing: he wsn't there... I'm glad you're no longer bitter... bitter, to me, is the worst emotion, it just poisons everything within me.

[friend4u178]

Roxy
I think this is actually quite a common problem , I would just be cordial and respect them for who they are and that way I don't think there will ever be any real nasty blow ups.

In the long run if anything drastic ever happened in your life I'm sure they'd be there for you and vice versa.

Got to love family right :)

[roxypox]

I haven't spoken to my father in years either. We don't get on to say the least. I am the eldest of three siblings and sometimes I find it hard as it is easy to feel left out, but that's maybe one day in 365! ha, no only joking but its better this way for me.

If you don't get on with them there's nothing you can do: try to keep it cordial, if you can, if you can't, then don't.

Hate to sound overly simplistic but you only get one life and if someone's making you feel less than fab then they don't need to be there. Whether or not their related to you..

Sorry to hear about your father! Yeah, I think it's a good idea to stay cordial! And I can def do that. X mas is a hard time for us though, and if I'm going to spend it with her next year, I'm not going to sleep in the same house.

I do agree though, my psycologist keeps telling me that I need to be around people who give me something positive, because I'm a giving person, who gives naturally... so I need to pick the people around me carefully. LOL so I def agree with you!

[neverme]

Yeah you seem to pretty much have your head sorted about it but that the terrible thing about family... you can have your head whatever way you like and within a second... they can come in and p*** all over your parade!

Best of Luck.

[roxypox]

neverme: thank you! Lol yeah family... like friend for you said: you got to love it... it can be terrible and it can be great and no one... NO ONE knows how to buiold you up like they do, or tear you down.

[neverme]

Don't I know it. Just be you, and be happy with that person and EVERYONE, including them, starts to take a back seat in the opinion polls, you no? :)

[roxypox]

So with you on that ;) thank you! :D

[Romefalls19]

Roxy, I am glad that I was able to see you handle the situation maturely and didn't rashly lash out at her. Some parents don't know how to let go, they see how your other siblings need her there all the time and she immediately assumes that you do as well.

Keeping in touch with your mother is a good idea, just let her believe she is in the loop of things. She will be happy and you will be happy because you have your distance as well as your mother. Peace with the world ha ha

[roxypox]

Rome: lol I couldn't fit everything in the rep box, but yeah, I gave her an update and asked how things were going... keeping her in the loop and all ;)

After tals response I felt it really was the right thing to do :) for me that is.

She gave me an update in mail no.2 , I comented a little on it. And she talked about our family dog and how he was happy about his new friend (another dog LOL) (I'm seeing a guy that is a friend of my brother, and this guy he has a dog and my brother and him take the dogs out for walks and they play together lol.) She was like," i hear he's a great guy, your brother speaks highly of him, you go hun! good for you"

I must say I liked the whole day to day stuff of it. The mails that is ;)

*cheers* for keeping things at peace, but staying happy at the same time ;)

[friend4u178]

Hey Rome

I thought you would have been bragging about your PM from Tal in your signature by now... LOL :)

Ps: Oops , sorry Roxy for threadjacking :eek:

[roxypox]

LOL F4U Np ;) but wow rome PM from Tal. ;)