[tigerpurr]

Well I'm a 44 year old man divorced twice with one son. All of my ex`s say I'm the problem and now I believe it. I don't argue and I don't like to deal with hard issues. My ex mother in law (ordained minister) is telling me that its OK to argue with your spouse in the proper way, and I'm sure is correct but I run and hide if it comes to that. My mother and I when she was alive were very argumentative and spent many years not talking. I was also told that she was very hard on me and not to my brother. And now I fine myself all alone (my choice) in order to avoid conflict. I'm very popular with the ladies and I want a long lasting relationship but I think I sabotage them all. Not to mention I think I'm making stupid decisions so I won't have to deal with anything. I have an appointment with a shrink in June... I want to feel normal. How do I fight fear of something like this?

[Nestorian]

"There is nothing to fear but fear it's self." - unknown

"“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” -YODA

“[Luke:] I can't believe it. [Yoda:] That is why you fail.”

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” - YODA

"You yourself, as much as any one in the entire universe deserve your love and affection." - Buddha

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt, doubt separates people, it is a poison that disintegrates friendships, and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts, it is a sword that kills." - Buddha

"We often meet our destiny on the paths we would take to avoid them." - Kung Fu panda

You are running form something you can not run from, you are hiding from something you can not hide from, you are pushing away that which you are...

This fear is apart of you, and you can not loose it. You will have to face it, recognize it, and deal with it. THe psych is a good idea. They have much information that may be of use to you.

Look deep within yourself and find the reason why you are afraid, then reason it out, and let it go. This may take time, and lots of energy; yet, it is doable.

Learn to love yourself, forgive yourself, respect yourself, and ultimately find yourself.

"Do not believe in anything simply because you heard it, do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many, do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books, do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders, do not believe in traditions because they have bin handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."-Buddha

IF you need pointers, feel free to ask. Also there is more than one way to travel the path you are on. For example:

You could go with the idea of some nuero Psychologists who believe the brain has the ability to change it's self to accomidate injury, or abnormalites. "neurons that fire together, wire together." and "if you don't use it you loose it." So if you can change your thoughts, since you are already aware of it, to something positive then you can face the fear. Then keep doing that until it's "wired" into your brain. This one is about the more you do it, the less you will have to think about it. You will simply react, trick is to get yourself to react the way you want.
From the book, the brain that changes it's self.
Cognitive social Psychology, Since you are aware of it, then recognize what is holding you back and change how you think about it. So you are afraid of confrentaion, for lets say the reason that you don't want to hurt any one. So you think, if I just hide, then I can't hurt any one, I'll just isolate myself from every one. Then you recognize that thought and say damn it no. I deserve to be happy. My thoughts are preventing me from expressing myself as I need to, and from not listening to others needs. "Action equals benafit - to - be - obtained over risk - to - be taken." The above example of thinking is called a stopper, named Catastrophizing. Playing negative scenarios in your head, or thinking of the bad out comes of situations. This is from the book, "talking to yourself." Every one talks to themselves, by means of thought.

Then there is Christianity, prey to god to make things better, and give you the strength to do what you have to do.

I'd slid that in to self affrimations though, same with meditation. Simply forcing your mind to focus on good things, and being calm cool collected. This takes time mind you, and like the rest much be consistent. Change won't happen onver night.


I know there are tons more, but that is the extent for now that I wish to detail for you. Those ones should give you a direction.

Good luck with your psych, and may peace an kindness be with you.

[DR REVIS]

Communication is the key to every relationship. In your case I would suggest taking small step (baby steps). Instead of confronting the situation, you should hear her out by becoming a listener. Then without saying anything, put yourself in their shoes... then by either writing or speaking explain your side with the thought of them in mind. By starting with this you will understand that there is no confrontations just rationalizations.

[Choux]

You don't have to have a long term relationship with every woman you meet.

Now, you can date a woman... she will be on her best behavior... without any commitment whatsoever. You can come and go as you please. :)

She can be a companion for an evening... dinner, theater, then nothing much. Make it clear that you date another or other women whether you do or not. Keep her in line.

Keep your private time for yourself. Enjoy.