[Britbrat720]

Hello everyone,

I need some advice. I have been in a relationship with a guy for seven years now and together we have a beautiful 12month old little girl. I am fed up because any time he has the chance he will go out and drink and its driving me crazy because I need help with the baby. I want him to be around and be more involved in mine and the baby's lives. When he is not drinking he is the most kind, gentle , good guy. He is an excellent father when sober. On several occasions I have told him that he drinks too much and he asks me if I pay for it and he tells me that it is none of my business... So can anybody help, I really love this guy and I want to help him but I don't like to have my baby around him and I don't like being around him when he is drinking.


Thanks for listening!!

[Fr_Chuck]

Moved from introductions to relationship.

Please be careful where you post.

[neverme]

Just need a bit more info before I can even attempt to say anything...

You say you've spoken to him, on numerous occasions I'm presuming?

What are his habits of drinking? Alone? With friends?

Does he drink to excess or go out often for a few?

How much did he drink before you had your baby?

How much did you? Did you drink with him?

What ages are you guys?

[plonak]

I don't necessarily think more info is needed..

There really isn't much BritBrat can do.. She can't FORCE anyone to stop drinking, it just won't work.

BritBrat you have 2 choices, your first choice is to stage an intervention, (help with professionals) tell him that his drinking is bad for you and baby and himself, and that if he doesn't get help he can no longer see his baby or ever go around them.. this might be the push he needs to go to AA..

Interventions are risky, and definitely should be done with professionals who know what they are doing.

Your second option is to go to Al-anon. (you should do this even if you stage an intervention) That is a recovery group for families and friends of alcoholics.

Alcoholics effect others greatly and you need to get help to make yourself well again. It is an amazing support group that can help you get your life back, and it gives you tools on how to live your life with the alcoholic (if you chose so)

Good luck

[kctiger]

I dont necessarily think more info is needed..

There really isn't much BritBrat can do.. She can't FORCE anyone to stop drinking, it just won't work.

BritBrat you have 2 choices, your first choice is to stage an intervention, (help with professionals) tell him that his drinking is bad for you and baby and himself, and that if he doesn't get help he can no longer see his baby or ever go around them.. this might be the push he needs to go to AA..

Interventions are risky, and definatly should be done with professionals who know what they are doing.

your second option is to go to Al-anon. (you should do this even if you stage an intervention) That is a recovery group for families and friends of alcoholics.

Alcoholics effect others greatly and you need to get help to make yourself well again. It is an amazing support group that can help you get your life back, and it gives you tools on how to live your life with the alcoholic (if you chose so)

Good luck

We could be jumping the gun a bit on here. Someone's opinion of drinking too much doesn't necessarily mean they are an alcoholic. Perhaps they are both young, and he isn't ready to give his party life up yet. I would assume, at least at this juncture, that he is just very immature and hasn't accepted the full responsibility of being a father, and what that means. I would say more information is needed before we call him a full blown alcoholic. I love to drink, but I also realize that if I had a child, all that stuff would be thrown out of the window, as I would then be living for my child, and not for my inner fantasies of the "rockstar" party life.

[Krislee07]

First off the baby is your number one. When some one drinks all the time, there not thinking straight. So he could be cheating on you or hanging with the guys. Either way he has a child. He should not be so immature. I would say to him, he can either get help or your leaving. Family should not leave their lives like this. It is foolish and unrespectful to you and the baby. If he loves you he will get help, but don't put yourself and the child through this too much longer. Try to work it out with him getting help. If that don't work maybe you should leave so he can realize what he has. Than he might just stop.

[XM8]

Try a more gentle approach, by talking to him calmly, making him understand the consequences of his behaviour.

Be honest with him, make it clear to him in every way that his drinking is not only comprimising the raising of your child but that, it is breaking your heart to see him in a state.

Secondly you should try and find out WHY he is drinking. Is he doing it with buddies for fun, or is it a personal thing? He could very well have a secret problem, that he's not telling you about and that maybe the cause of his drinking.

Remember, you don't want to get him to act defensive by contacting a 3rd party, as this might lead to fights, and become the stepping stone to destruction.

But as I say if the sh*t hits the fan, and the situation goes too far - 3rd party intervention will be necessary. Think wisely.

I wish you the best of luck,

-Xm8

[talaniman]

You have been with this guy for 7 years, and now you have a one year old.

Has his drinking been a problem all this time, or has having a child changed the way you see things??

[GoodLuckJen]

I hve been in this Same situation (just minus the kids). I left him an ultimatum of it's either me or the booze. I know this is probably more difficult for you because you have children, but often people like this need professional help and good old kick in the butt from their loved ones

[Fizzy Burst]

I'm an alcohol and drug counselor and see this every day. Talk to him first, but do it calmly. Ask him why he constantly drinks. If he starts getting up set just keep your cool with him. Blowing up will just cause problems. Explain to him (calmly) how you feel it is hurting you and the child, but also put positives in there as to how he is a great father when he is sober. DON'T give an ultimatum. That will just put him on the defensive side, and chance are you would loose him. Remember that him quitting drinking can only be his choice. If you push it too hard it will only push him away. If this is something that has been going on for a long time (even before you had a child), and he is willing to talk calmly about it then ask if he is willing to seek help. Key word is willing. If you tell him he must get help he will just get defensive. Remember that he probably has a lot more going on in his life than you know. Just show your concern for him right now. If he isn't willing to to talk calmly and rationally then it is probably best to seek other options. Not divorce right away, but maybe just separating for a little while. You need to have the best interest of you and your child's welbeing at the top of your priority list.

[Britbrat720]

Neverme thanks for responding:

To answer your questions:


Yes I have spoken to him and it just leads to him telling me off.
As for his habits, he does a little of both. See we have been trying t find a place of our own because right now me and the little one are living with my parents & he is living with his dad. His mom just died about 6months ago. But what really gets my blood boiling is that his dad egs him on to drink & they end up getting drunk together.
I'm going to say that he drinks in excess because there is "NO" Casual drinking for him. He drinks to get drunk.
Like I said before he has always drank a lot but I guess I'm just nieve because I thought that once he found out that we were having a baby he would man up and grow up.
Before the baby I would barley have drinks because when I was small my dad was always drunk and I hated being around him when he was drinking. I just want to prevent my daughter from growing up in the same environment I did.
Yes when we would go out I would have 2 drinks at the most but I have never let myself get drunk.

As for our age, Im 22 and he is 23.

Well with all this said I hope I answered your questions & I hope you will be able to give me some advise.

Thanks