[Sarah26]

Ok I really don't know. My mother left my father due to verbal abuse, perhaps he was, not really sure he was a miserable man but my mother is a very bad person and my father is not anymore. He always treated me well and is a very good person now. I married this great guy. He really is not a bad person. I read this testimonials about their verbally abusive husbands and he isn't that bad I guess not enough to leave yet anyway. He is happy go lucky most of the time not that controlling. He doesn't like a messy house and I'm not the cleanest person so he get very adjectated when I don't put stuff back and what not. He was abused by his father who has changed into a born again christain but there not that close, my husband is an atheist but they to keep in contact. Me I'm a very sarcastic person very strong and independent I do speak my mind and I don't hold back so he calls me abusive but I'm really not. He starts I finish. He says I always start. But I really really don't. I avoid any kind of conflict but I will not be disrespected I can't be. Every time we try to do something fun he gets really really stressed out for no reason and lashes out and I lash back usually because I'm not going to enable him to continue the behavior. Lol is anyone laughing yet? He is very physical not abusing but laying on me when I'm mad he will come up and try to cuddle me? And I need my space I ask him to leave and not to touch me but he just will continue to cuddle me? So I will push him away making me the abuser?? Im so confused. Example today we go for a day hike in the snow its not cold its like 45 50. We start to hike now I never hike he has hiked the appalachian trial. He starts ing about me not going fast enough (im going as fast as I can and he is ahead of me like alot) I said I'm trying can we take a break (after 40 min up hill in the snow) he said no that if we stop he will get cold. Ok so I like stop for like I'm not exaggerating 30 sec and he starts flipping out calling me selfish. Im just trotting along I couldn't argue my throat was burning from the cold. I get to a point and ask why he has to try and ruin every time we are suppose to be doing something fun. I brought binoculars so I could look at the view rest etc. This is like 1 hr and a half hike up to the top. He just goes don't start bla bla bla your overreacting etc. K we are almost at the top with out a break and he goes when we get to the top we are turning around and heading back I'm cold. Whaat he got me out there my motivation was to have a good time and see the view with my binoculars and finnnally take a break. Im like well what was the point can I at least rest. He starts flipping out hikes ahead of me goes to the top turns around before I even reach it and starts hiking back. Now Im about to die I want to sit for a minute. So I continue to hike to the top and sit on a bench to catch my breath. He turns around find me on the bench flipps out calls me a selfish a big baby I just ignore him and stare at the view. He is like we are hiking down now lets go. I said I'm taking a break go down ill meet you at the bottom. He starts flipping out saying he's freezing and starts to hike down while screaming Im a a ing excuse my lang. Im an you name it. I continue to ignore (he has episodes like this once in a while and I don't do anything anymore I just ignore him) Now I just ignore him see once he is gone I start hiking alone peace and quiet. No not really he is hiding and waiting for me. So he forces himself a hug on me. I just keep hiking and ignoring him he totally ruined this trip for me once again. I haven't said a word to him in like 6 hrs now. Down the mountain he is singing that I'm his princess he loves me and he's sorry but I get him so mad. And he is freezing but he loves me the whole way down. I still said nothing. We get to the car he starts hugging me I'm just acting like a dead person. I just shut down. Well he sees me looking up abusive husbands and he is like your verbally abusive (because I have mentioned his weight .(extremely over). And reacted to a few of his episodes in the past. He doesn't work. I worked when we got married at a horrible job that I had for 9 years I made excellent money but I hated it (retail management). He convinces me to quit and that he will get a job and support us (I have like no bills except rent which is low and utilities) I own my car. So I'm dumb and neive and do it. 3 months he has had one interview blames the economy but sits around all day. I don't know what to do. We have been living off my savings which is almost gone. Every time I mention to get a job he just flips out and says I'm starting a fight. So then I tell him ill get one and he flips out. I don't know if this is abuse. Im no angel I do know that I say some mean things but its because of his episodes. Im a mellow person like a quiet environment etc. He is loud raises his voice for no reason just really sensitive. He won't admit that he has a problems and says its all me. I really don't think I'm abusive though. I love him and want him to be happy and stress free and try not to get him have episodes so I just avoid doing anything that involves leaving the apartment together. He doesn't control the finances I mean everything is mine he walked into this marriage with nothing. I let him spend whatever he needs he not too bad for the most part. As long as we can pay the bills we are both happy. But when he gets in these moods ( they are completely out of nowhere) Im starting to notice when he has them. When ever we do anything. Grocery shop, go to the mall, movie he get so stressed out. He has a lot of friends and is social, likes people, kind of a people person (more so than me (hey I worked retail). I don't get it.:confused:https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/images...s/confused.gif

[liz28]

I must start by saying that the two of you don't back down and sometimes someone has too. Sometimes it isn't good to try to get the last word in and you've to choose your battles and sometimes be the bigger person by walking away from an argument and go back when the situation has calmed down and talk about the issues in a civil non-threatening matter.

Your husband as some unresolved issues and it stems back from the abuse from his father. Maybe that's why he shows affection after a dispute because maybe that what his father did to him. He might not want to admit it nor acknowledge this but he should. Maybe counseling would help him too along with you but he has to want the help and sadly some guys don't.

Also, maybe the two of you are around each other too much since no one is working and this can make the two of you irratated and cause frustration between your and tension too. I understand he might have a hard time finding a job, especially today, but he needs to at least apply himself but maybe he lost the zest or drive for live. This can make someone emotions go up or down and depression.

I think marriage counselling can help the two of you along with indivual counselling, eapecially for him.