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odilians10 · Jan 19, 2009, 09:57 PM

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 5months, which was wonderful, but for the past 3 months his mother has been sick and he moved to go take care of her, so he goes back and fort between work and staying with his mom at another state. He said he is very close to his mom and is emotionally distracted. I have not been able to talk to him on the phone for almost 3months now ,we only text at least I text him every day and he does not give me much info when I ask questions about his situation. I have assured him I'm here for him but I get fustrated with everything and sometimes just rather be friends. My issue is I have asked him if he's still interested and he never answers the question. How do I no if he wants me around?

itried · Jan 19, 2009, 10:08 PM

You can't blame the guy for being distracted because his mother is ill. This is a major event in his life and he is obviously stepping up. I understand that you are very frustrated because of your lack of attention. The only advice I can give is that if you think this has potential for a long term relationship you should basically support him and sacrifice a little. If he feels stressed and pressured by you he will probably just end it with you and I wouldn't blame him. After all, this is his mother we're talking about.

nike 1 · Jan 19, 2009, 10:23 PM

I agree with itried, if you are seeking the long term with this guy, be supportive. I know it's not so easy as you have needs too, but he will appreciate your patience and perserverance. One idea of being supportive is to send him small messages such as "I hope you have a nice day" and "i love you". He may not respond, but just to know you are thinking about him will be appreciated.

Alty · Jan 19, 2009, 10:28 PM

I'm going to be a bit harsh.

Your boyfriends mother is sick, from what you said it sounds like it's a bad sickness. He needs to be there for his mother right now, having a girlfriend that's constantly asking him if he's still interested, who obviously is upset that she's not getting any of his time, well, that's not what he needs right now.

You either care enough about him to take a step back and let him deal with this, or you keep pushing yourself forward to the point where he dumps you.

It's hard to be supportive sometimes, but this is one of those lessons in life, it's not always all about you.

odilians10 · Jan 20, 2009, 03:49 AM

Thanks guyz, I appreciate your honest response. I was thinking 3months without talking on the phone was kind of weired

itried · Jan 20, 2009, 03:56 AM

All right, I'm going to retract my last statement. If you have only been together for 5 months, with 3 of those months being without actual contact then you should probably let him do his thing. This means that over half of the relationship has been spent without contact of any kind (in person, on the phone, etc). That is kind of crazy.

I understand that he is stressed and that this is a tough time for him. But even still he should be keeping you in the loop in regard to the relationship status, don't you think? He should somehow resemble a boyfriend, regardless of what is happening. I don't think you guys have been together long enough for him to be putting you through this. You basically knew each other for 60 days and then his focus completely shifted to his mother. Nothing wrong with that, but he should take some responsibility for the relationship. I think my last post was a little hasty. You are definitely in a strange situation. Maybe you should just offer him your friendship and support.

odilians10 · Jan 20, 2009, 07:10 AM

We have not talked on the phone for 3months but text each other veryday, is excuse is "i'm with my mom so caent talkon the phone".

talaniman · Jan 20, 2009, 08:02 AM

A few things come out, 5 months together is nothing, still learning about each other, and already your in to deep, and I understand the insecurity, but not the neediness, as you know as a fact, his duty and responsibility.

To support him as a friend, some empathy, and encouragement helps, and that's what he needs, and not be torn between a mother and a stranger.

Not the easiest of circumstances, granted, but it's that, or leave him alone, and not add to his stress, and problems. Be a supportive friend and not a needy partner as things will be resolved and people do not for get who was helpful, and who was not.

Back off this relationship thing, and get your own life balanced, and healthy, and be responsible for your own happiness. Be helpful where possible.

Could part of the problem be you don't know him that well?? Come on 5 months is not long so how long have you known him before dating?

Another question, how does a guy take off work for 3 months?

odilians10 · Jan 20, 2009, 08:48 AM

You are very right talaniman and I appreciate your honest response... ive known him for 5months total, he owns his own firm, so is like he works for himself, I try not to bring up any relationship stuff and I'm here for him as a friend, I really do care about him but I'll totally leave him if someone else comes my way... but a big issue is, it was a long dist relationship, becos I go to sch far far away and he is like a workacholic. I'm a little confused becos I don't want to be a girlfriend when the going is good and run away when it gets tough, that is why I initially decided to stick around.

He never answers the question of if he wants to cut it off..

talaniman · Jan 20, 2009, 10:00 AM

Cut off what? Explain how your his g/f in 5 months. Just be a supportive friend, and live your own life, and pray for his.

Text buddies is a more apt definition of whats going on.

I can't even say it's a long distance relationship, but I can tell you back off some, as too much, to fast, CRASH AND BURN.

Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

You have skipped a few steps in the process dear.

odilians10 · Jan 20, 2009, 11:06 AM

Known him for 1month, month 2 we decided to make it into a relationship, things were going fine, until his mom became sick... I do understand you and I'm going to take your advice because I do feel like a texting buddy. I meant to cut off the relationship and go our way. I just felt kind of guilty leaving him now.. ill just have to pray for him and his mom and just go my way.

talaniman · Jan 20, 2009, 11:21 AM

What defines any relationship is how you handle adversity, so keeping your life balanced, and not just depending on him, keeps you both healthy, and just because he is occupied, doesn't mean you stop living your own life, nor have to stop being texts buddies.

You just have to deal with reality as all of us do, the best we can, and be realistic with our expectations, and patient with our feelings, so we don't get carried away by them.

odilians10 · Jan 21, 2009, 08:30 AM

****3 threads merged*********

I've meet many different guys with different personality, but when ever I say lets be friends with no benefits they say sure definitely, but I never hear from them, even my ex for 3 yrs... there are many guys I've met and would like to be friends with just to hang out. Can anyone help me out with this, are there guys out there who wouldn't mind being friends with a girl with either they have had sex with or never had sex with.. I'm confused on how to approach this issue...

I told him, we should just be friends with no benefits and I've not heard back from him... I'm not that lucky with guys being friends with no benefits

Romefalls19 · Jan 21, 2009, 08:39 AM

I'm not quite sure what you are looking for. I have no problems being just friends with girls. I think I have more friends that are girls than guys.

odilians10 · Jan 21, 2009, 08:44 AM

1) both my ex and I mutually agreed to break it off, we also agreed to be friends which I've no problem doing but he won't even talk to me now. 2) I'm in a relationship I think is going no where, want to break it off but I no he will not want to be just friends with no benefits 3) meet a new guy, not really interested in him but will like to be friends with, just told him and never heard from him again and I've meet many many others.

Romefalls19 · Jan 21, 2009, 08:54 AM

Perhaps you don't have to tell them "friend with no benefits" unless it is brought up by them. I wouldn't take to kindly to someone always reminding me that there aren't benefits if I wasn't even looking for that. Try saying, I think we should go back to being friends, things as a couple aren't working out.

odilians10 · Jan 21, 2009, 08:58 AM

I asked my boyfriend if he wants to breakup and he avoids the quest or ignores me, but he is not willing to put any effort to making things work. What will make a guy not want to ans that question I'm confused

That makes sense thanks romefalls19

ZoeMarie · Jan 21, 2009, 09:01 AM

Maybe instead of asking if he wants to break up you should ask him what's wrong. Maybe there's something stressing him out or making him upset that you don't know about. Open the lines of communication. Sounds like maybe you're asking the wrong questions.

talaniman · Jan 21, 2009, 09:02 AM

Leave it be.

Romefalls19 · Jan 21, 2009, 09:04 AM

He is highly distracted dealing with an illness to his mother. This relationship is far to new to have this much invested and not getting a return. We have advised to either move on or let it be.