[Nestorian]

First off, I'll tell you I'm just getting out of a sierious at the very least 10 years battle with BIpolar. So I'm learning about it, taking my Meds: Lithium/Dexadrine/Well butrine, they seem to be working OK, better than any thing before. I still have a lot of negative thoughts, but I'm more aware and can change them, but I find I'm stuck due to lack of mental stimulation, so I have nothing else to think about when I do try to change my thoughts.
So Lets say I'm trying to imagine my future. For me the best possible future is, a loving, kind, caring, understanding, funny, adventerous, Active, smart, and Pretty. You know the usual. I'd like her to love kids as I plan to adopt some, I hope to become a social worker, and not care for drugs/alcohol. Yeah I know, one in a million. Then having kids, one or two of our own, then a few adopted. A fair size bit of land, with a resonable size house. And animals, so that the kids can have that relation ship. My job, some kind of social work. I'll have done my schooling up to my masters, that's like 7 years, 10 courses a year. But first...

Be for that can happen, I need to get over my fears of, being alone, inadequacy, patience (I'm OK at times, but never when it comes to my fears.), incapability (Bipolar, various other issues.), crowds/ people in groups more than 3-4, never meeting some one else's standards. Now I'm sure I know what to do here...

Alone: face life head on, find the interests that compel me to be better, as well as friends. Keep friends close, mind you I have kind of pi$$ed all of mine off over the years, and shut every one out, family too. I talk to three people, and 2 are my sister, and mum. We don't get along, but none of us has the money to live with out the other, so here we are. The other, she is a girl I randomly met, and got to know her really well. I listen to her, how up set she gets over things, and I want to cry.(yes I'm a Sissy, lol, but it takes a bigger man to be confident with himself enough to show some one that he cares. That maybe the one thing I'm sure about, but also realise girls don't want sissys.) Any way she shares everything with me, I love her deeply, but I can not ruin our friendship for that, I will not. She also helps me, listens to me, and is the first frined I've ever had that calles me, and doesn't wait for me to call her. I do call her, it's only fiar. Any way, so you can see my issue with little to no friends, I will meet new people, and this girl seems like a promissing connection to that possibility.

Inadequacey: Find myself, believe in myself, trust myself, and realize I'm worth it. I know I have the potential, but like any one, I fade out of hope at times. Makes it hard to believe I'll make any one happy. Mainly because I'm not the tall, dark, Good looking, confident guy, with big muscles, and a I'm not that worried what you do, only that I get what I want kind of guy. I"m a medium, skinny, small build, not bad looking but not great either, very anti-confidence, worried about you and how you are feeling and if you need me kinda guy. People tell me i'm too nice, or too quiet and I need to stick up for myself, but I used to see no reason. I dont want to fight to be with some one, if they love me, they will choose to be with me. You know.

Patience: I fear waiting too long, for things to play out. I try medatation but, i'm still in need of relaxing. Anxiety, mild, but annoying. I worry i wont beable to find a girl that loves me in time to have a child by, i guess my 32 year. I also doubt at times that I can get through school in time too. I have to do some High schooling as well as learn spelling, typing, reading, math and so on. Then 4 at the very least - 7 years of post secondary. I believe i just have to bit the bullet and hope for the best.

Incapability: I've bin told at every job i've had that i'm stupid, slow mentaly and physically, useless, absent minded, and a let down. Now that i'm not Bipolar as much now, i hope i can change this. But where to start, I think schooling is the best idea, since i need to get my brain working again.

Groups, crowds: I think people are all Human, but as such they are subject to doing bad things to one another, and the world in general. I just have to find a way to accept every one, and be me too.

I fear most of all that i can not meet a girls expectaions of what a "Man" is. This girl doesn't have to be perfect, nor supper beautiful (I personally think its kind of ugly to be too perfect/good. That could just be my fears though.) Any girl I've bin with always the same reason they decided not to be with me, I'm just not strong and manly enough. No I don't always cry or come undone, I'm acctually quite calm and present of mind in most situations that require me to focus. But if I have nothing to do, focus on, I get a little on edge and play scenarios of my future, and past till I'm weary, and lost. I spose the best thing to do is love myself for this, and in doing so, realise I don't need any one to look after kids.

I must let go of my fears, challenge myself, focus on positive thinking, work on one thing at a time, continue to be loving and understading to all beings, trust myself, Exercise (for myself), go in to teakwondo and face my fear of failure and take my belt testing, find a way to meet and be friendly to people.

I do have a lot more, but I just felt like asking, and seeing what others have. My ways may be the way I prefer to do things, but some times you have to change it up to make things work.

Peace and kindness.

[Clough]

Thanks for sharing, Nestorian!

You sound like a very thoughtful and interesting person! You already are doing some positive and pro-active things whereby to make improvements to yourself.

In the matter of self-improvement, please give yourself time and be patient. Best not to get into a rush. Things will get better and improve with time if you continue to act positively and pro-actively.

I suffered from fears and anxiety concerning people for many years. What helped me the most, was to confront my fears and get involved with people. I would get nervous around even a very small group of people. Now, I'm able to lead very large groups of people. But, it took a number of years for me to be able to do that. It took time and practice...

As you set your sights on your goals, believe that they'll come true. Along the way, you'll potentially have many failures. However, you don't really fail unless you fail to try.

Please do continue to share. I wish and hope for you, only the best!

Hopefully, others will come along to address your post.

Thanks!