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missplaced · Jan 26, 2009, 04:16 PM

Today my boyfriend was diagnosed with a very serious illness. Its treatable but its seems to me that he doesn't have the will to live. He had a very rough past and this illness is a result of that. Today we talked for about half an hour and I used all the positive lines I have. We agreed to talk about this tomorrow and I don't know what to say to him. For the last few months he was constantly tired (one of the symptoms) and he was very nervous so we were fighting all the time. Recently we started enjoying the relationship and now this happened. The treatment will cause depression and I don't know if I can deal with that again. I love him and I want to be there for him and I want to spend my entire life with him. But in my country there's a waiting period to start the treatment. It can take up to 6 months and the treatment itself will take more than a year. He will be constantly depressed in the next year and a half and I have no idea how to help him! There is even a chance that he might not survive the waiting period. I know that the best thing I can do for him right now is to keep my cool but I don't know how to do that. I never knew how to deal with his depressions. I want to help him so so so much!! Can someone please advise me how to make this easier for him?

Choux · Jan 26, 2009, 06:22 PM

I can't imagine what is going on here... it must not be serious or he would get immediate treatment once diagnosed.

??

Regards,

missplaced · Jan 27, 2009, 01:45 AM

I come from a god forsaken country and there is a way to start the treatment immediately but it costs more than he can earn in a lifetime.

Clough · Jan 27, 2009, 02:31 AM

Hi, missplaced!

I'm so sorry that your boyfriend and you are going through this. There is some hope though, correct? What is the illness with which he was diagnosed, please?

Thanks!

Stringer · Jan 29, 2009, 07:58 AM

Good morning Missplaced,

All of us that love our mates and spouses want to be there for them and help them through life's problems, and it is complicated by their depression. I am not a physiologist and I cannot give you any professional help or magic words that will "fix" the depression. But I have learned one thing for sure and that is just being there is extremely important. Deep depression is like a dark cloud that moves in and covers everything and can completely overtake you. But when you have someone that loves you and can be there to listen and help guide their loved one when needed, it is a hugh help. It isn't easy on either person and requires a lot of patience and love. But the result is usually very good.

Be there, hold him, listen closely, acknowledge his concerns... you don't always have to have those "magic" words hon. He will have his island of tranquility and I am sure that it will be appreciated.

Stringer

jrebel7 · Jan 30, 2009, 02:23 AM

Dear missplaced, I am so sad for you and your boyfriend that you are dealing with the illness and the depression. One thing to keep in mind is that he was JUST now diagnosed so he was given some serious health news that probably knocked the wind out of him, figuratively speaking. When a person is first given news of this kind, they are sort of in shock, they are not seeing the full picture or avenues of help that are possibly available. The shock begins to wear off, emotions hit, which is probably about where he is now. As the days come and go, he will begin to get a little bit of perspective but also, begin to deal more fully with the emotions.

You have access to a computer, therefore, access to some invaluable information regarding depression, how to cope with it within your self but also, how to help someone else cope with depression. There is so much knowledge at your fingertips so please, try not to despair and also share this with your boyfriend.

Talking is paramount to both of you....ask him to share what he is feeling about this and then you share what you are feeling. He may be dealing with some fear, not only of the illness but perhaps fear that you will walk away. When a person is in this deep of a depression, they have little perspective and feel vulnerable and sometimes feel unlovable. While you cannot give him a quick fix to his depression, you can make him feel he is less alone by keeping up communication. Deep depression makes people withdraw into themselves and it is good to keep them drawn out and encouraged.

A person who is living with or trying to be active in the care of one who is going through depression must take precautions for their own happiness and well-being and stay active in things that lift their (your) spirits as well. Illness takes a toll on the person who is ill but also on the caregiver or friend/loved one. There will be much information online on this as well.

I am not knowledgeable in the health field but I do suggest, (just as an individual and not as a health care professional), to encourage your friend to take steps himself in self-help information. Becoming an enabler for him to stay in the depression by doing too much for him yourself, will deplete you of positive energy and will not encourage him to be responsible for his own state of mind.

You don't share your ages but I know that at any age, depression is not an easy thing to get out of or to be an encourager to the one who is depressed. We tend sometimes to want to just shake them and say, "snap out of it" but it is not within them to do at this particular time but you can share positive stories, good health information that might give hope each day. Humor is invaluable in good health, mental and physical. Get some good joke books or videos that make you both laugh and make the atmosphere comfortable, settle in and enjoy some good 'belly' laughs......deep laughter.

One of the best ways to help your friend is for you to take good care of your self, don't deplete your energy trying to do too much for him.

Take great heed to what Stringer said in the total of his post but this part:

"Be there, hold him, listen closely, acknowledge his concerns....you don't always have to have those "magic" words hon. He will have his island of tranquility and I am sure that it will be appreciated."

is such a jewel of advice. We all need to be hugged, held, listened to, acknowledged. Sometimes just having your face touched my one who loves you or your hand being help gives far more than words. Don't expect too much of yourself. You cannot carry the full burden of this on yourself. Contact friends and family to also help and relax when you can, realize that a lot of this is out of your hands. Make a list of things you can do to be proactive in his care and do the things you know to do. Pray and ask God to give you direction and guidance and I will be doing that as well for you both. You hang in there and know that to everything there is a season, and a season of depression, while difficult to deal with, will not last forever. Keep in your mind and his that where there is life, there is hope and where there is breath, there is purpose.

Clough · Jan 30, 2009, 03:02 AM

Hi, missplaced!

The people that I asked to come to your thread are showing up. You know that you'll have much support here!

Please do respond to them on this thread.

Thanks!

missplaced · Jan 30, 2009, 03:54 AM

Cluogh, stringer and jrebel7 thank you so so much! You have helped me a lot with your advice! Thanks for the support and the best wishes! There is one more problem though. Sometimes when he's depressed he shuts me off. He calls and writes less and less and he prefers to hang out with people that don't know about his problems. Usually I'm the only one that knows what bothers him and I'm the only one he can talk to. I appreciate that so much but sometimes when he's feeling bad that's the only think we talk about. But since the diagnose I've shown him that he can talk to me and after that conversation we can still have some fun together. Right now I have to find the balance between leaving him his space and ignoring him and between being there and nagging.

jrebel7 · Jan 30, 2009, 08:44 AM

Originally Posted by missplaced

cluogh, stringer and jrebel7 thank you so so much! you have helped me a lot with your advice! thanks for the support and the best wishes! there is one more problem though. sometimes when he's depressed he shuts me off. he calls and writes less and less and he prefers to hang out with people that don't know about his problems. usually i'm the only one that knows what bothers him and i'm the only one he can talk to. i appreciate that so much but sometimes when he's feeling bad that's the only think we talk about. but since the diagnose i've shown him that he can talk to me and after that conversation we can still have some fun together. right now i have to find the balance between leaving him his space and ignoring him and between being there and nagging.

I think what you share is fairly typical. When a person does not want to face an issue, they fill up their time with those who are not aware of the problem so they don't they don't have to talk about it or think about it, Also when he gets into the deeper parts of depression he will push away those he knows really love him and if they stay, it affirms they really do love him. I can't stress enough the importance of you keeping a balance in your life. He needs to know if he pushes you away too many times or shuts you out too long at a time, that he is sending you the message he does not care about you (although you know it is not true, that is the message it sends). Talk about this type of situation when he is having a good day and is thinking clearly. We all are responsible for decisions we make, even when we are depressed. Our thinking is cloudy and we don't think correctly when in a deep depression. He just needs to know if you are going to be able to help him through this time, then he holds some responsibility in this relationship to make good choices regarding you.

As I stated earlier, communication will be key for you both. I will be unavailable for a couple of days but I know there will be others coming along to share insight. I will check back so keep posting.

missplaced · Jan 30, 2009, 09:34 AM

Originally Posted by jrebel7

I think what you share is fairly typical. When a person does not want to face an issue, they fill up their time with those who are not aware of the problem so they don't they don't have to talk about it or think about it, Also when he gets into the deeper parts of depression he will push away those he knows really love him and if they stay, it affirms they really do love him. I can't stress enough the importance of you keeping a balance in your life. He needs to know if he pushes you away too many times or shuts you out too long at a time, that he is sending you the message he does not care about you (although you know it is not true, that is the message it sends). Talk about this type of situation when he is having a good day and is thinking clearly. We all are responsible for decisions we make, even when we are depressed. Our thinking is cloudy and we don't think correctly when in a deep depression. He just needs to know if you are going to be able to help him through this time, then he holds some responsibility in this relationship to make good choices regarding you.

As I stated earlier, communication will be key for you both. I will be unavailable for a couple of days but I know there will be others coming along to share insight. I will check back so keep posting.

Thanks again jrebel7! Actually we had that conversation the day after the diagnose. He told me about the side effects of the therapy and how he's afraid that I'm going to leave him because of that. I replied that I won't leave cause I'll know that he is depressed and nervous because of the therapy and not because he doesn't love me. He is so thoughtful even in this situation. He remembered to call and wish me good luck on my exam right after he found out that he was sick. I know that when he starts the treatment his mood will become progressively worse but on the hardest day he thought of me. I'm willing to stay with him in his hardest times because of things like that.

blondbabe100 · Jan 30, 2009, 04:45 PM

Originally Posted by missplaced

today my boyfriend was diagnosed with a very serious illness. its treatable but its seems to me that he doesn't have the will to live. he had a very rough past and this illness is a result of that. today we talked for about half an hour and i used all the positive lines i have. we agreed to talk about this tomorrow and i dont know what to say to him. for the last few months he was constantly tired (one of the symptoms) and he was very nervous so we were fighting all the time. recently we started enjoying the relationship and now this happened. the treatment will cause depression and i don't know if i can deal with that again. i love him and i want to be there for him and i want to spend my entire life with him. but in my country there's a waiting period to start the treatment. it can take up to 6 months and the treatment itself will take more than a year. he will be constantly depressed in the next year and a half and i have no idea how to help him! there is even a chance that he might not survive the waiting period. i know that the best thing i can do for him right now is to keep my cool but i don't know how to do that. i never knew how to deal with his depressions. i want to help him so so so much!!!!! can someone please advise me how to make this easier for him?

If u love him stay with him:)

survivorboi · Feb 13, 2009, 03:44 PM

I think that he's would appreciate it very much if you're there by his side. He might feels lack of will to live, but you can change his mind. You can.

Just stays by his side, share his pain and feelings. Talk to him. Ask him how he feels.

Try and cheer him up a little, but you got to cheer yourself up first.

Good Wishes!

JudyKayTee · Feb 14, 2009, 07:04 AM

I don't know who else has been in your shoes. I have. It's not an easy place to be. Unfortunately, I lost my husband.

As others have said, when he got a terrible diagnosis I was simply there. I was there to love him, to accept what he was going through and feeling - and most importantly, to listen. He talked and I listened. Sometimes I didn't understand - but I wasn't facing what was a death sentence in his case, but I listened. And he talked more. Certainly there were days when he was discouraged; certainly there were better days; there were certainly any number of great days. I simply listened. We talked about everything imaginable, including his concerns, worries, fears. And I listened.

That's all you can do - be there, don't judge, be supportive.

I don't think you can give anyone the will to live - sometimes the suffering (and modern medicine is not necessarily kind) is simply more than the patient can endure. I also think it would have been very, very wrong for me to be a cheering squad, urging him to go forward. Did my husband want to die? Of course not. Was his body simply giving out? Yes.

So you listen -

And there are miracles every day - you just hope and pray that one of those has his name on it.

missplaced · Feb 16, 2009, 08:43 AM

Survivor and judi thank you! Both of you helped a lot! And judi I'm sorry about your husband.

My boyfriend still acts like he's not aware of his situation. He was very depressed for few days but after that he stopped even mentioning the problem. He hasn't been to a check up since the diagnose and that was 3 weeks ago. While he was still in shock I was there for him and after that when he needed cheering up I was there for him again but now I'm losing my mind. I have no idea what's going on! He is trying to forget that he's sick and I don't want to remind him. I have no idea what to do!

JudyKayTee · Feb 16, 2009, 09:09 AM

Originally Posted by missplaced

survivor and judi thank you! both of you helped a lot! and judi i'm sorry about your husband.

my boyfriend still acts like he's not aware of his situation. he was very depressed for few days but after that he stopped even mentioning the problem. he hasn't been to a check up since the diagnose and that was 3 weeks ago. while he was still in shock i was there for him and after that when he needed cheering up i was there for him again but now i'm loosing my mind. i have no idea whats going on! he is trying to forget that he's sick and i don't want to remind him. i have no idea what to do!

I would reach out and hug you if I could. Accepting a bad medical diagnosis is the same as accepting a death. The person has to walk through the different stages in his/her own time. My husband went through denial; he went through anger; he went through shock; he went through mourning; he lived like he was going to die tomorrow and enjoy every minute of today; he lived like he was going to live forever and this was a joke.

My husband had multiple health problems. He was told in July that if he had another attack they would HAVE to do surgery (he was a dialysis patient and was developing pinhole leaking from his colon which had been diagnosed and corrected several times) and his chances of surviving surgery in his condition were less than 15%. And guess what he did in November? He bought TWO new cars. Not one. TWO. He went into the hospital 2 weeks later, never drove the second car (which was for me), drove his car about 4 times.

Somehow buying things for the future made the diagnosis less real to him. Know what I mean?

I loved this man beyond words - but living with someone who is possibly terminally ill takes a lot of patience, understanding (of something I've never been through before) and love. I stopped working and spent all my time with him, not because he asked me to but because he needed me here. It's not an easy road. Some relationships don't even make it. We were lucky. We did.

My husband is dead over a year and I find all sorts of notes and letters that he wrote me and tucked away, knowing I would find them, notes and letters he wrote to me at dialysis, telling me he loves me, giving me advice and courage. I am haunted that these thoughts went through his mind and other than the "you have to go on" speeches, he never said many of the "this is what I'm going through" words to me. All you can do at this point is listen. Just listen.

As I said - I would hug you if I could. And remember - YOU need to take care of yourself, whatever that involves, because you are no good to either one of you if you fall apart. And, believe me, I fell apart - usually in the shower - a thousand times and never cried in front of him, never once, until he was actually dying and far beyond my reach.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Stringer · Feb 16, 2009, 09:22 AM

Wow Judy. The insight that you gave about yourself tells me so much about you. God bless and thank you again.

Missplaced, you/we are fortunate that she is here to share.

JudyKayTee · Feb 16, 2009, 09:45 AM

Originally Posted by Stringer

Wow Judy. The insight that you gave about yourself tells me so much about you. God bless and thank you again.

Missplaced, you/we are fortunate that she is here to share.

Thank you - I don't like anyone to know that I, just like candybars, have a soft center! :)

Stringer · Feb 16, 2009, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Thank you - I don't like anyone to know that I, just like candybars, have a soft center! :)

SOoooooo... I can assume that you are sweet?? (hee hee) After all, I never liked bittersweet chocolate... :)

trmpldonagn · Feb 16, 2009, 07:39 PM

Bless you Miss Placed. I'm glad you came here for now for the help and support. I'm very sorry you're going through this. You seem so strong and so does your boyfriend. I don't know what the illness is but I just pray for a miracle. You do the same too OK? Hang in there.

missplaced · Feb 17, 2009, 09:22 AM

Thanks again to you all! The thing here is that the illness is treatable but it costs a lot in my country. There is a waiting list for free treatment but the waiting can take up to 6 months. By that time many complications may occur. One of them is cancer and multiple organ failures. The illness itself is very treatable but the complications are extremely dangerous. The treatment is very hard too. I know that the waiting is killing him even though he doesn't talk about that. He was such a sweetheart these days! In a way he holds on to me. He is caring and loving like in the beginning of our relationship. He seems so happy lately. I know that I must talk to him about going to the doctor but I'm afraid that he will become depressed again.