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johnnyb08 · Jan 26, 2009, 07:56 AM

:eek:

Hello,
I am new to this site. I am female contrary to my username-strictly for confidentiality purposes.
Not real sure how to begin. I would like information about emotional abuse. I want to know how to heal, stop the cycle, prevent my 2 sons from becoming abusers themselves since that is their most dominant example of how women are treated. They are bright because they have witnessed a lot. I'm sure they wonder if I am just weak or are insightful enough to know something just isn't right. Either way, they need to know a better way if they are to ever experience loving, trusting, happy relationships. I've got to be able to show strength and victory.

J_9 · Jan 26, 2009, 07:58 AM

First question... Are you still with the abuser?

Justwantfair · Jan 26, 2009, 07:58 AM

Well I am hoping that you are out of the abusive situation, that would be the first step for your children to heal, by not putting up with the abuse you are showing them that that kind of behavior is not right or appropriate.

Second, I would suggest that family counseling or group counseling could help with the emotional scars and developing good behaviors.

johnnyb08 · Jan 26, 2009, 08:37 AM

Actually I have left 3 different times. Once he tried to have me evicted to no avail since we've been together for 5 years. I left anyway. Of course he begged me to stay, and the whole time I was gonem the promises that were made, the declarations of love etc. Truthfully, that is not why I came back. I came back because it was breaking my heart to see my son sad everyday because he missed his friends and teachers, among some threats from his father and having to go to court for a bogus complaint that I wasn't keeping him informed about our son. His dad is not the person that I live with though. This is abusive relationship #3 which is why I know I need to do most of the work. I'm on the right track yet still trapped at the moment. I tell my kids that they are not like me, or their father. They are the best of both of us.

Justwantfair · Jan 26, 2009, 09:05 AM

You are probably the individual who needs the most counseling at this point. Right now you aren't much of an example to either of your children.

Three abusive relationship support the fact that you are the one in need of assistance. It is going to be difficult to break the cycle, but you have to the strong one for your children. When you are talking about struggling it is worth it for your children.

johnnyb08 · Jan 26, 2009, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

You are probably the individual who needs the most counseling at this point. Right now you aren't much of an example to either of your children.

Three abusive relationship support the fact that you are the one in need of assistance. It is going to be difficult to break the cycle, but you have to the strong one for your children. When you are talking about struggling it is worth it for your children.

I completely agree. Without going into too much detail,and just stating facts which may sound like blame, however blame no matter the recipient of it, never helps. In the past, when abused, I took it out on myself with substances. That is finally in the past. I'm not whining when I say, I have no support at this tiime (otherwise I wouldn't be telling perfect strangers these personal things).
Right now I can't drive. (wreckage of my past and financial ruin). I have hope, I envision the day, hopefully not to far in the future where it's just me and my boys. I know they look forward to that also. I do fear that if I don't get the help now, what if they become the bullies that have influenced them.
I'm open to any criticism/suggestions. Are you a professional or a survivor or both?

Justwantfair · Jan 26, 2009, 10:31 AM

I am just an understanding ear. I was in an emotional abusive relationship for some time and I know that at times you wish they would just hit you as the pain from a blow will heal a lot quicker than the blow to yourself esteem. I know that leaving the substances behind as they are just helping you to avoid the situation you have to face is a HUGE step and I give you a lot of credit for getting there.

You haven't stated where you are from but hopefully you have an abuse shelter or organization in your area to help you with this transition. The sooner you can get out of the situation the better off you will be for you and your children. Remember to fight every day one day at a time. Don't focus too far ahead because you can cause yourself to be overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all.

Good luck. We are always here if you need an understanding ear.

johnnyb08 · Jan 26, 2009, 10:57 AM

EMAIL REMOVED FOR PRIVACY

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I am just an understanding ear. I was in an emotional abusive relationship for some time and I know that at times you wish they would just hit you as the pain from a blow will heal alot quicker than the blow to your self esteem. I know that leaving the substances behind as they are just helping you to avoid the situation you have to face is a HUGE step and I give you alot of credit for getting there.

You haven't stated where you are from but hopefully you have an abuse shelter or organization in your area to help you with this transition. The sooner you can get out of the situation the better off you will be for you and your children. Remember to fight every day one day at a time. Don't focus too far ahead because you can cause yourself to be overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all.

Good luck. We are always here if you need an understanding ear.

Thanks for the "understanding ear". I really sense that this is going to be the year that I begin to get back my independence. (which by the way always makes them want you that much more) thank God I have learned that the hard way. I am sooooo excited to live without the oppression. A happy mom makes all of the difference. I keep a pretty open dialog with them but they get such poisonous information such as your mom is a loser, why can't she keep a job, etc. Where are they though when there are school demands, doctors, medical insurance, they take me to court over petty issues so that I have to take time off work. Child support is withheld until the last possible moment before I can take any action, so I can't depend on it for bills.
Sorry, I said I wouldn't whine.
I believe there is a real need for women in these situations. I hope to be able to help others (who really want the help) when I get on my feet.
Thanks again.:):)