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Shaunic · Aug 3, 2006, 07:34 AM

I recently entered into a loving relationship with a wonderful man,but he has a child with a young lady who makes our relationship together very fustrating, obviously she hasn't let him go or in her mind they are still together.Everything we do together is a problem to his baby mother,it has gotten to the point where we stopped going out just to avoid any confrontation with her because she treatens him with his child because of me. What should I do?
Thanks

Krs · Aug 3, 2006, 07:38 AM

Hello there and welcome to AMHD.

This is a tricky situation because there is a child involved.

Does his child live with you 2 or with her?

Shaunic · Aug 3, 2006, 07:41 AM

The child lives with the mother and my boyfriend tries his best to be apart of the child's life but she makes if difficult for him to see his kid as frequently as he desires.

Doublell · Aug 3, 2006, 07:44 AM

I have lived with a similar situation years ago when I first got remarried. My husband is a wonderful man, we have been married 15 years; however, back then out of guilt about his children he sometimes sent mixed signals to his ex-wife. She broke up their marriage. If this situation isn't corrected the child will play on this. Be honest with him, get to the point and clear it up now.Or I would move on if you can.

Krs · Aug 3, 2006, 07:44 AM

Take her to court.
With a person like who can't make it amicable between them for the child's sake should be taken to court and get legal ways for him to see his child without arguing with the mother.

Shaunic · Aug 3, 2006, 07:49 AM

I understand what your saying,and I have suggested this to my boyfriend but he isn't the type of person to do that,however he has considered this.She even gets pissed and starts *****ing if she sees me talking with anyone of my boyfriend.It is very fustrating, because sometimes I consider leaving him because when were ready to have a child together,he won't want one because he knows that it would affect his relationship with his other child.

Krs · Aug 3, 2006, 07:53 AM

I do understand your boyfriend opinion on this. But if you 2 want to have a healthy peaceful relationship he should understand that this is the only way to go about it. To finally get peace and start your own life peacefully together.

Don't leave him, don't give her that satisfaction, to her she would have won the game, although this to you is no game.

I would sit your boyfriend down, speak to him, tell him how greatly this is effecting you personally and your relationship.

Get a restraining order against her, it's the only way out. You will be glad to see the back of her.

Speak to a lawyer and also consider the child.

Shaunic · Aug 3, 2006, 08:00 AM

I love him a lot and would not consider leaving him anytime soon,but I am afraid that we won't have much of a future because of her.My boyfriend is the type of person who is willing to do any for his child,which I admire,she uses that love and sacrifice to get his attention, I know they have to have some sort of relationship because they share a child and the child needs to grow up stable.My boyfriend say that he doesn't want his child to grow up thinking his father hates his mother,so around her he tries to act cooperative,so she probably takes his kindness for hope.

Skell · Aug 3, 2006, 04:15 PM

I know it is a delicate situation with kids involved but I really think you boyfriend should get strong and show a spine to this women. Stand up to her. Don't let her dictate the terms of YOUR relationship.
He needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that the way she is acting is not on and he won't stand for it.
Fight fire with fire!

Plus as krs said you need to sit him down and tell him how it is affecting you!

Good luck and let us know how it goes please!

valinors_sorrow · Aug 3, 2006, 05:32 PM

Your boyfriend is lost and needs to find someone who has solved this sort of arrangement to act as a guide for him-- rather than make it up as he goes along. And he doesn't see you as experienced enough or objective enough -- that is part of the problem. He will end up either losing you, losing the child or losing both, if he doesn't learn better boundary management. Having lived through what I did with my husband, his ex and his children, I will never again underestimate the power of a spiteful woman. In our situation he lost everything except me and it was one of the hardest things to witness in my entire life. I am so sorry to share what seems like bad news-- I hope he can find trustworthy help soon and uses it.

talaniman · Aug 7, 2006, 04:50 AM

The fact that he lets his ex bring misery into your relationship is a red flag that he may be unable to handle HIS own business. You can talk to him but only he can change the way his ex controls his life. What a mess.

s_cianci · Aug 7, 2006, 06:54 PM

Encourage him to stand up to her and tell her to buzz off, once and for all. If she continues to threaten him with the child then you give him the name and phone number of the craftiest lawyer you know. If he won't do these things then you may have a problem that goes beyond just her, in that you may not be the #1 priority in his life that you deserve to be. IF that's the case then you may need to call it quits, at least for now, until he can make up his mind.

Krs · Aug 8, 2006, 01:02 AM

I think in the long run s_cianci is spot on.

If he carries on like this his child will be brought under the impression that his parents are on a constant battle at each others throat (which is true) and I'm sure a child would at least rather see one of his parents happy and not always arguementative!!

midori32 · Dec 6, 2008, 04:33 PM

It seems more may be going on?

Why does he not want to take the baby's mother to court for a child custody agreement? A shared child custody agreement and parental classes should solve this entire issue. People do not have to put up with baby momma drama. They only put up with it because they choose to do so. The court can solve most of this issue.

I am a family law attorney who has done child custody cases. The law used to favor the mother but in some states it favors the father. If it can be proved that the baby's mother is unstable, mentally crazy, or an alcoholic then the kids legal custody can be challenged, no matter if she is the mother.

If the man does not want to go to court then he has to live 18yrs in torture. I think going to court for a one or two day hearing is a lot better, don't you?

Donroro80 · Dec 27, 2008, 05:34 AM

I think is your bot friend responsibility to solve this issues with his baby mother. I know we some man care about our kids, but if your baby mother is not right for you then you need to straight her up and move on. Yet you always going to have to talk to her cause of the kids, but you still have your own personal life