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scott1988 · Jan 21, 2009, 01:16 PM

OK, so my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and they were a great. I have been getting this feeling lately that I really don't love her as much as she loves me. She keeps talking about getting married, and kids, and moving in together. But every time she brings that stuff up, I just don't want to hear it. Its not cold feet or anything. Its more of a question of love. But I feel my love for her has faded a lot. I don't really know a nice way to do it.

She is my first and only girlfriend ever, and we are both turning 21 soon. We have been together since we were 16. I don't feel like I love her like she loves me. She has dated other guys before, and is completely head over heels for me, but I don't feel that way. I did at one point, but those feelings have subsided. We have broken up once before on the same conditions as I feel now, but we got back together a month later. I feel our relationship has become more of a friendship. But I don't know how to break up with her again. I feel that the first time we broke up was bad, but twice? I need advice...

kctiger · Jan 21, 2009, 01:25 PM

This is extremely common at your age. We go through long relationships, and we find that we start to grow apart. There is nothing wrong with that. I think you should tell her how you feel, no matter how much it may hurt her, as she has a right to start the journey of adulthood as well... which includes finding someone that does see her in their future.

You tried. Same thing happened to me, only it was my girlfriend in your shoes. We tried to make it work ,but in the end it just wasn't meant to happen. We had grown apart, and pretty much she fell out of love with me. It isn't anyone's fault, it is just life. Between the ages of 16 - 23 there are a LOT of changes that take place, and it is VERY hard to make a relationship last between those years, especially if it started when you two were 16. Feelings change, every single day. There are no guarantees in life.

I know it sucks, but it has to be done. You both owe it to each other to move on, as soon as you can, and start to find out who you truly are. Good luck...

Carry on... :cool:

ZoeMarie · Jan 21, 2009, 01:34 PM

I've been in your situation, except we were already engaged. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I needed to break up with him. One of the hardest but best decisions I ever made. Now he's engaged, getting married in June and my husband and I got married last June. Neither one of us would have met our significant others and neither of us would be happy in the long run if we stayed together.

liz28 · Jan 21, 2009, 02:10 PM

Sometimes people grow apart and it nothing you can do but be honest with yourself and girlfriend. You can't make something work or last when your heart isn't in it.

The best thing for to do is break it off with your girlfriend. Yes, she is going be hurt, regardless of how you put it to her, but in time she'll get over it and respect your honesty.

You can't stay in a loveless relationship and the more you dread it your only going be killing yourself inside. It's better that you do this sooner then later.

missplaced · Jan 21, 2009, 02:47 PM

I was in a similar situation. When I was 17 I somehow ended up in a 2 year relationship with a guy 8 years older than me. That was my first real relationship and some time before the break up he started talking about marriage too. I too thought that my feelings were fading but as time passed by I figured out that I never really loved him. Actually I figured that out 9 months ago with my new boyfriend when I felt what true love is. So about your girlfriend... my advice is to keep on going with her until the break up gets easy for you. If its still that hard for you maybe your time hasn't yet come. I felt bad for a long time while I was in that relationship but that just made it easy for me to break up with him. I remember that I didn't even cry and I started having fun the very same day. It won't be easy for her but she will go on eventually.

PinkParisKitty · Jan 21, 2009, 10:36 PM

Feelings of intense love and attraction ebb and flow. So I don't know if it is entirely correct to break off with her just because you are unsure of taking the "next big step" with marriage and such. Give yourself some time to really decide if you want to end a 4 year relationship because your feelings for her are evolving at this time. Some of the most lasting relationships are couples who are married and feel that friendship connection.

That all being said, if you truly don't feel that you could be happy spending the rest of your life with this woman then I suggest that you cut her off at the pass. She is thinking you are on-board with marriage, house, kids and a golden retriever. You need to be honest with her about the fact that you no longer feel the same way. It will be hard on her at first, but it is mercy you will be showing her in the long run.

However, if you break up with her make it a true break. Tell her that the two of you should give each other 3 to 6 months of no contact. It is cruel in my opinion to yo-yo date with this woman who is obviously very attracted to you. She loves you and sees you in her future. She will need time to deal with the death of that dream in her heart. Therefore, I suggest that you not take phone calls or whatnot from her after you do it (if you do it). She will be angry and hurt, but she will need that time to herself without you there.

My first boyfriend and I discussed marriage (we met we were 15, dated till we were 18, he had some trouble with the law & broke up with me to avoid putting me through hard times ahead) and so when he broke up with me before I graduated I was devastated. I was hurt, angry and confused. I felt very real physical pain, but I asked for space after the breakup. It was just too torturous to see his face or contact him at all when I was feeling so deconstructed.

Its been a while, but we are still good friends to this day (going on 10 years now) but it took me a good couple years until I was able to talk to him at all. We wish each other well, and are the better for it.

I am now engaged to be married to a very wonderful man. My first boyfriend has already been married and divorced I'm sorry to say. However we were both able to cope and carry on.

So I can definitely say that I know what your GF will be feeling when you break the news. I'm sorry to hear it if you feel that this is what must be done.

Good luck to you.