[MaryJS]

So, I have been seeing this guy 1 for some time, but we were only friends until some months ago. I had just began a relationship with another guy 2 when I first met 1, wonderful man, but we are separated by quite some distance. 1 was a good friend, and met 2 many times, knowing that we are in a relationship. 2 suspected that 1 was in love with me. But 2 also suggested me and him to have an open relationship, since we live on such a distance, so we agreed on having it.

Still, I decided to remain faithful to 2. I liked him very much, still do, but felt a lack of emotional connection, since we did not know each other so well, but only started to get to know each other. He decided to postpone our relationship, since I have been ill (stomach) for some time, and other reasons, and we decided only to be friends some month ago. I miss him terribly much, since we cannot meet due to the distance.

At this moment, 1 decided to hit on me, and since I had felt very attracted, emotionally attached like never before, I let myself get involved with 1, and we went over the friendship limits. He turned out to have a girlfriend (with whom they were living) since 7 years, that he had been lying many months about. I felt a relief by hearing this, since no matter how in crazy I felt in this guy, I wanted the affair to stop... (because I felt driven to 2). I tried to stop the affair, and he got upset by the idea of losing me, and dumped his girlfriend instead. He told me, he had been wanting to do this for several years, but still, I felt awful because of this. So we got into a relationship after this... in my case, a combination of strong attraction and guilt (due to his broken relation) drew me to this.
So, we are together now.

My problems are two: a) number 1, never gives me any compliments about my appearance. He watches me with the most wonderful eyes on the planet (I feel special to him), but he never compliments my looks, only my talents. I feel unattractive. I have talked to him about this, and he smiles, and only jokes then. He says it is because he hates giving compliments, but apparently, he succeeds complimenting my intelligence and commenting other girls when we watch a movie, or are out in public. Does this mean, he does not like my appearance? My ex-boyfriends always complimented my looks.

And he has never told me I am his girlfriend, and he has never told me that he loves me. He has only told me, he would break contact with me completely if I reject him, and I know he wants me to live with him, is very serious, wants me to meet his family, etc. And, he has told me I have no right to date any other guy. (Even if his ex-gf is coming soon to pick up things, and will be living at his place for a week. He did not ask me about this before agreeing with her.)

b) I love him very deeply, I do. But since the day I answered his kiss, I have started to feel that I miss 2 terribly much. Nr 2 hopes I will travel to him, still, even if only for friendship. And I don't know what to do... I think, what attracted me to 2, is that he treated me so well, so wonderfully well, even if I never felt that he loved me... on the other hand, love does not come immediately...

What should I do? I feel like I am breaking... I don't want to lose the friendship of 1, since it is the most beautiful thing that has happened to me, but all my escape-to-2 instincts are activated.

[talaniman]

Oh mi gosh, you need attentions so bad that you put up with all kinds of crap, and will latch on to any guy that gives you that attention.

You may be attracted more to one than the other, but you really don't care about either of them, just as long as your own need for attention is met.

Its not about them, its about you not dealing with your own issues, that's your real problem. Sorry, when the newness of the other guy wears off, you will be looking around again.

Aren't you happy with yourself, or not. And why keep jumping from guy to guy, with no clear plan for yourself? Or am I seeing this wrong?

[Romefalls19]

You need to find self confidence before you can begin to think about a relationship with anyone. Just because someone doesn't tell you that you are beautiful every second, doesn't mean he doesn't think so nor does it mean to jump to the next guy searching for compliments. You are what they call an emotional leech, you grasp onto anyone who will give you attention and this type of behavior will only get more destructive if it is not treated

[MaryJS]

Oh mi gosh, you need attentions so bad that you put up with all kinds of crap, and will latch on to any guy that gives you that attention.

You may be attracted more to one than the other, but you really don't care about either of them, just as long as your own need for attention is met.

Its not about them, its about you not dealing with your own issues, thats your real problem. Sorry, when the newness of the other guy wears off, you will be looking around again.

Aren't you happy with yourself, or not. And why keep jumping from guy to guy, with no clear plan for yourself? Or am I seeing this wrong?

I totally agree with you: I am dealing with my own issues. But the question is, how should I actually deal with them? So far, I have not succeeded, but I wish I could! Imagine yourself, every day and night, have to struggle with "How can I hurt them so little as possible?" Every day, and so far, the best idea I have had, has been to send them a common mail, tell the truth and say them I am sorry for everything, even if both chose to leave me.

It is easy for you to be rude, and I guess that is another difference we have in our personalities: no matter how right you are about me, I would never be able to say something in such a straight tone, because I know such an answer would hurt quite many... ( you are a man that believes in principles, so if you think I behave bad, you will be honest to show it, which is an admirable quality in you) Which also results sometimes, in greater messes. I don't like to criticize people, and I don't like rejecting people that I wish to be the happiest persons on the planet. I do care for these men (and I believe in polyamory), I care for them a lot... and feeling torn between two men, does not mean feeling torn between who satisfies your own needs, but I feel, it is about being torn, between whom you have the greatest chance to make happy... and trying to avoid their disappointment and hurt feelings.

Of course, my own needs also comes in between, and judging by how I presented my case, you react very rationally. I asked about my needs, because I wonder if this is something important when I try to solve the situation.

And no, I am not at all happy with myself. I think I have shown a great failure in handling this problem, and only wish, someone could give me a good advice, how to avoid creating new upcoming posts in style of "Guy feels betrayed by girl, she loved another."