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starkcontrast · Jan 7, 2009, 06:07 PM

I'm a 25 year old guy and confused as to whether my friend is gay. We're the same age, and I really like him, but I don't want to put the moves on him and risk losing the friendship until I am absolutely sure that he would respond the right way.

He and I met this past semester at school. We started hanging out almost every day, and we've had a lot of good discussions and good friend-building moments. When we first started hanging out, I figured he was straight because he would talk about some of the girls that he had attempted to date in the past.

After awhile, though, he would say or do things that would make me question his orientation. Like once, he came over to my place and said something to the effect of "too bad one of us isn't a girl." Many times he has typed stuff on my computer while it is sitting on my lap, which I find odd. Whenever I make jokes he seems really interested, and he's even gone so far to make extremely gay jokes about himself. One time he got on my bed and wanted to watch a movie there, and he promised me we "wouldn't do anything homo." After the movie he went and slept on my couch. Another time he climbed under the covers of my bed, but we had to go somewhere so nothing happened. I read a blog he wrote where he admitted to having same sex feelings but said he overcame them.

My friend and I are both Christians, and because we both grew up hearing homosexuality was wrong, I am guessing that he tries to repress his same-sex feelings. I've never asked him about the blog he wrote.

I haven't talked to him much since the week before Christmas because it has been break from school, and this last week he emailed me to tell me he was having a hard time because he met some girl back home but has to come back to school (he isn't a long-distance relationship guy, but he told me the two of them had made plans to hang out over this next summer). School starts next week, and I feel like if I don't act now, I may lose my chance at him. I've been trying to plan ambiguous events to test to see if he will reciprocate, like next time we're in my bed ask him to stay the night there rather than go to the couch, talk about subjects that could get really gay really fast, and get some booze in him to see how he reacts.

I adore my friend and do not want to ruin my friendship by going after him if he is not gay. What should I do when I'm hanging out with him to test the water? What kinds of things should I look for as far as the way he acts?

expat2009 · Jan 7, 2009, 07:21 PM

I don't have much experience in this area but I know how hard it is for guys to admit that they are gay or have had gay thoughts or experiences --even if it's ambiguous. From your story, most of the stuff you say sounds borderline gay. Doesn't mean he is, but I'd say he is more bi-curious than anything else. If he hasn't had a same sex experience before I think you could scare him if you are too direct. It's a very sensitive area for guys and if you prod even a little they will sacrifice a friendship for the sake of protecting their identity. I think if there is any gay thought in his head then a relationship should flow naturally. How much do you think he knows about your feelings towards him? If he knows you like him in any non-friend way and he hasn't run maybe you have a chance.

starkcontrast · Jan 7, 2009, 08:00 PM

I appreciate your comments. My friend knows that I think very highly of him, that I will go out of my way to do things for him, and that I do unexpected nice things for him. From the research I've done, the stuff I have been doing is telltale for "liking someone more." I've also not moved my body when he touches me or things like that, and I try to be extremely comfortable and touch him playfully and things like that.

I don't know what he thinks of me as. One time he asked if I was always this nice to people. I know for a fact that I'm one of a very small group of people he hangs out with at school, but when he goes home for the breaks he has tons of friends. So at school, I'm in his inner circle, but during breaks, I'm on the back burner, even though we did have a good hour+ phone conversation a week or two ago.

I think you're right about not coming on too directly. The more ambiguous and playful my hints are, the safer they may be.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 7, 2009, 08:59 PM

You ask him, that is the only way to really know.

Playing games, OK if you are in JR High

talaniman · Jan 8, 2009, 02:22 PM

What's the best way for me to find out if my friend is gay?

You ask him directly, that's the best way.

LostInHisEyez · Jan 8, 2009, 02:35 PM

Usually you just wait for them to come out, but since you want to pursue a relationship- I would simply ask. My best-guy-friend came out to me, and I thought the whole time he was interested in me! But we talked things out - and we're still great friends. I hope you both can still maintain the friendship if anything. Good Luck

Starbucks21 · Jan 8, 2009, 02:41 PM

You ask him in a honest open matter that isn't uncomfortable for either of you

hungtoronto · Jan 8, 2009, 02:45 PM

One of my coworker married to this guy has a kid with him and found out that he's gay a few year later. She always suspected that he is gay since high school because he is always close the girls. They divorce for a long time and she remarried. Some people can lie, ask directly may not get the answer.

ZoeMarie · Jan 8, 2009, 02:50 PM

This might sound crazy, maybe I missed something, but does he know that you're gay? If not I would establish this first before telling him how you feel about him. From your story it sounds like he might not know. I'm only saying this because I have friends that are gay and I probably wouldn't use the word "homo" around them because I don't know if they would be offended.

artlady · Jan 8, 2009, 02:53 PM

He sounds as if he is at least curious.
I would assume as a gay man you have a better grasp on what to look for than I would but he does seem to be sending signals.
There is no harm in asking,its easier than trying to make a move and then be rejected.

jjwoodhull · Jan 8, 2009, 03:04 PM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

this might sound crazy, maybe I missed something, but does he know that you're gay? if not I would establish this first before telling him how you feel about him. from your story it sounds like he might not know. I'm only saying this because I have friends that are gay and I probably wouldn't use the word "homo" around them because I don't know if they would be offended.

I was wondering the same thing. Are you openly gay? It seems as if he is not sure about your sexual orientation.

starkcontrast · Jan 8, 2009, 05:18 PM

I am not openly gay. Only select friends know that I am.

Starbucks21 · Jan 8, 2009, 05:25 PM

Originally Posted by starkcontrast

I am not openly gay. Only select friends know that I am.

Does this friend know though? If you don't want to tell the world that's fine.

starkcontrast · Jan 8, 2009, 05:54 PM

This friend does not know.

Starbucks21 · Jan 8, 2009, 06:04 PM

Well this may be a good thing to tell him and then have the honest and open direct talk

jjwoodhull · Jan 8, 2009, 06:05 PM

Well that information changes everything. He might be wondering about you as well. I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you are gay. If he is as good a friend as you say, you should be honest with him about that aspect of your life. Also, once you open up to him, he will probably be more open about his situation.

ZoeMarie · Jan 9, 2009, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by jjwoodhull

Well that information changes everything. He might be wondering about you as well. I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you are gay. If he is as good a friend as you say, you should be honest with him about that aspect of your life. Also, once you open up to him, he will probably be more open about his situation.

I had to spread the rep, but that was exactly what I was thinking.

starkcontrast · Jan 9, 2009, 11:44 PM

I guess my question was more related to what kinds of things I should look for to see if it would be worth telling him. As in what kinds of "clues" to his actions? If my theory of him repressing his same-sex feelings is correct, telling him would simply put his guard up. I don't want to do that. I'm trying to read him better. Does anyone have any ideas as to how I would accomplish this?