[challquist]

I am not sure what to do. I am in a marriage that is making me almost miserable. I feel as though my husband loves me but isn't in love with me. We have been together for 7 years and have been married almost 3 years. We have had a lot of problems even when we were dating and we worked really hard to overcome them. I have bipolar disorder and tried committing suicide twice when we were still dating prior to being put on the correct medication. My husband cheated on me during this time (he was my boyfriend at the time) and ended up getting an STD and sharing it with me. Thanks to that, I have a history of cervical cancer. We have worked through these issues, and yet it seems like we are at a point where we are married for convenience sake only. We do have great times. We have a beautiful 16 month old daughter who is the light of both of our lives. But there are so many times, especially recently where we just fight. We fight about the usual stuff like money, parenting styles, etc. But we also fight about stupid stuff - like what to cook for dinner. We have tried marital counseling and I felt as though I was being ganged up on by my husband and the counselor and being told I was a "complainer." Now don't get me wrong, I complain, and I am by no means perfect. I also don't expect my husband to be perfect, but I would like someone who is my equal and makes me feel like their equal. I have dealt with my husband's drinking and finally got that to quit being a problem, but there are other things that my husband refuses to change, and they are issues that are hurting our relationship and hurting himself. I am just at a loss as for what to do anymore. I don't want to leave. We have worked so hard to keep it together this long already and I just want to make it a little less unhappy. I don't think that is asking for much. Does anyone have any advice or resources they could provide? I just want to have somewhere else to look without feeling like it is all my fault. After all, it takes two to make a marriage fail, and it takes two to make a marriage work.

[ZoeMarie]

I hate to say this, but if your counselor and your husband seemed to gang up on you, maybe there is something that you need to work on too. You're right, marriage IS a lot of work. Take turns deciding what to do for dinner.

Why don't you guys set aside a night, once a week or every other week and go out on a date? Find someone to watch your daughter and go out and do something you both enjoy. Don't talk about money or any of the things you argue about but just have a good time.

[Crista]

Just because the counselor says it's your fault doesn't mean he/she is all wise and you should listen to all counselors. Not everyone is a expert or any good at their job as a counselor. The counselor should see both sides not PICK a side. That's not how it works.

Get a second opinion on your matter.

It takes two people and it sounds like you're the one who has to do all the work in the marriage. What does he do to make things mend?

[artlady]

You are never going to have a partner that is without some quirks that get on your nerves.Some people seem to have that ideal relationship but I think it is rare.

He quit drinking and that's a huge change that should be applauded.Maybe he is having a difficult time with sobriety.This is often referred to as a *dry drunk* or a *white knuckle drunk*.
The person is sober but is having anger issues ,depression,etc.It is one possibility.

My experience with bickering is that it takes two,so if you want it to stop,refuse to engage in it.

As far as changing someone's behavior ,you have to ask yourself if your expectations for change are realistic and if perhaps maybe the change is that you need to be more accepting.

Marriage is about compromise and negotiation.

Someone has to be the peacekeeper and have a level head.

It takes work.

Its easy to yell when your mad but it takes work to look at the situation and ask yourself*is it really worth fighting about*?

*What do I stand to gain from this and what do I have to lose by this* ?

It is easy to fall into a bickering pattern and it takes work to end it.

[TheLegacy]

Few suggestions

Learn to take a time out - if that means having a safe word that both use so that when emotions and your "cues" as to when your going to get into a fight come up - you both step away and calm down.

It takes two to be in a tug of war - when the rope is thrown don't pick it up. Your marrige can work - but now - only you are responsible for your actions and words. Learn to correct in a positive way and no name calling or bringing up the past.

I really suspect that both should go through anger management classes