[sabenea375]

Hi,
I am a 31 year old woman, married nine months, and am 2 month's pregnant. I dated my husband for almost a year and a half prior to marriage. He was married for 2 years before to a woman who had some serious personal issues. He lived with her for 3 1/2 years before marrying her, then after 2 years they split up. TO this day he still has obsessive thoughts over her, and makes references to her and his past relationship (in third person references only) a lot, usually when watching movies, or seeing other couples. My issue with him is that now, I don't think I can take dealing with him and his obviously unresolved issues involving his ex for very much longer...

When I initially met him, we seemed to click right off the bat. We have similar views on politics and religion, share a somewhat similar humorous streak, but still have nice differences where it makes things interesting and fun... from what I've gathered from info regarding his ex, she and he did not see eye to eye at all on political issues, and used to "butt heads" on social/political topics, so their conversations would be limited to movies, etc... whatever would not spark an argument... anyways, we have a very 50-50 relationship, and share in this marriage responsibilities... in his last marriage, she ran the bank account, drove him around in their car, checked his email and even emailed from his account, made all sorts of plans for both of them and basically ran the show... to top it off, only a year after they were married, not only did they go through problems with buying their first home, which they sold off later, but she began online romances with 2 exboyfriends, continued with one of them until it ended up in a real affair, ended her marriage with husband at that time (the guy I'm with now), remarried someone else but is actually STILL in contact with this ex from years ago to this day!. (of another note, we live on the East coast... when they were married, she moved them out to the West coast, and she continues to reside there, so there is also this issue of distance as well... )

What blows my mind is that my now-husband, even though we're married and have a baby on the way, he's still talking about her, wants to call her (and tries to sneak call/txt when he thinks I won't find out about it), he talks about her (as I said in the third person scenario), and about what "the guy" could have done to "save" the relationship, make her happy, etc... in short he has tried to excuse her behavior for her cheating on him, for HER wanting the divorce, for pretty much everything (btw, she was a drama queen who used to blow small issues up to make herself the center of attention)... I have told him already that I can't take his behavior regarding his ex, but he still seems to do it whenever he can...

My questions are these:

1. do you think this will ever stop?
2. what mental problem does he have that he can't seem to let go even though its been 2 1/2 years since they split up?
3. why is there this continued "attraction" to the ex wife, even though they seemed to but heads and he even admitted to me that we have a much easier going relationship?
4. is there obsessive behavior between the two of them, will this continue, can this be avoided/stopped?

... any advice would be welcome!

[simoneaugie]

He enjoys the ongoing drama and probably feels that he needs it. Chaos in a person's family of origen can become a comfort later in life - like water seeking a level. Your discomfort is part of his drama.

This particular drama is not the least bit appealing to you. Does he know how you feel about his behavior? Have you given him any ultimatums? Obsessing over an ex while newly married and expecting a baby is wonderfully dramatic. However, for me, this behavior would be a deal-breaker.

He needs to hear and to react to your concerns. His behavior is affecting your relationship, right now. What about couple's counselling? A neutral party to delegate and clarify may be helpful.

[talaniman]

How long had he been split from her when you two met??

[N0help4u]

Sounds like he needs some kind of wake up call or he will be on a third marriage speaking of you in past tense in the same way.