[frustratedmothe]

My 30 year old son is marrying his 29 year old live-in girlfriend. They live 1.5 hours from us and 6 hours from her parents. As my oldest son, he was very happy and wanted us to get along well. After two visits to our home, we felt that he was in the hands of a master manipulator. On their second visit is our home, Christmas 2007, when we gave our son a $1000 check as a gift, she looked up and asked "why isn't my name on that?"

Since that day, she has controlled our exposure to our son. We would rather him see himself what was going on. We had very little access to him. When things were better, I mentioned several times to him that while I was attempting to be sociable by calling her, she never returned calls or acknowledged messages left. I found this strange.

To make a long story short, it is now time for the wedding. In her hometown, with 35 invitations on our side (a 1000 mile trip and three days in a hotel, so we invited only immediate family) and 350 invitations on her side (the social event of the season). We overlooked this total disregard for our son's feelings, at his request, because this was her dream wedding. Everything went to hell in a handbasket at the time of planning the rehearsal dinner. We planned a steak dinner (his request) at a restaurant they chose. The wedding party includes 38 people, they have 1 living relative, we have 20 relatives making the 1000 mile trip, they have 27 "loved one's closer than relatives because they are chosen rather than stuck with" that they verbally invited to the rehearsal dinner. We tried to compromise by saying the rehearsal dinner was to be wedding party, parents, and grandparents. We were then told that their Ashley deserved the rehearsal dinner that she wanted and her father would pay for it. (Money is not an issue; all this just proved to us what we were feeling about this girl.) Next, in a vicious conversation, the bride's mother informed me that if I did not send invitations to her friends, she would send her own and they would be there. Before the conversation ended, she "uninvited" me to my son's wedding. Then, our son declined our gift of a rehearsal dinner as "not good enough" saying he and his future wife were having it (which we all know is subterfuge - with her daddy paying).

Any advice? I know what we have on our hands. Our son is "smitten" and "supporting his future wife in a tiff with his mother". Because he did not hear the "uninvite" I am to ignore it. While he agrees that I am not in the habit of lying to him, and haven't been in the prior 30 years, he is so confused. He is a grown man, but has been being manipulated by her for almost 1.5 years. He is not the same person as he was 2 years ago. We have talked of this but he just gets belligerent. I am having "empty nest", I am jealous of his wife, he always got short shrift in his childhood... unbelievable things he has been fed.

His two brothers have agreed to be groomsmen but want no part of any celebration. His father had humble origins and the "not good enough" hurt him to the core. He refuses to
Make the trip for the wedding. What do I do? I emailed him that I would like to go to his wedding as an observer, not a participant.

Anyone been in this situation/ Any advice?

[asking]

I think you count too much and it would have been better to let everyone come to the rehearsal dinner that your son and his wife wanted to invite, especially since her father offered to help with the cost. I think you have been rather petty and should apologize to both of them, participate in the wedding and stop tiffing. Forget your son's remark. It was made in the heat of the moment and probably mainly meant that more people wanted to come than you wanted to allow.

You are putting your son in an impossible position. If there's something wrong with his new wife, let him figure that out himself. He's an adult and your job is to get along and be gracious. I think it's a credit to him that he has stood up for his wife.

Swallow your pride and go be there and support your son. Be nice to everyone.

Don't turn this wedding into a nightmare for all concerned.

[Fr_Chuck]

Let the people go that want to go to the wedding, go if you want to, let them pay for everything, saves you a lot of money, who cares.

On the dinner, if they wanted to invite a lot more, say fine, they could have paid for the additional and that would have been the end of it.

Next time they don't like 1000 dollars gift, make it 25 dollar walmart card the next year and let them learn.

Right now, he is going to take her side and it is nothing but a losing battle.

[ISneezeFunny]

My mother once told me that her worst nightmare was the day I started listening to my gf/wife than her.. . it seems that your worst nightmare has arrived.

Although I somewhat sympathize with you, I agree with the above posters. As of this moment, your son seems unreachable, and may be impossible to reason with. Give them what they want, let them pay out the butt, and try to enjoy.

If they didn't like the 1000, then screw it. Blender time.

As far as you getting uninvited to the wedding, that's a whole other issue.

[asking]

I don't think inlaws can uninvite each other. The son would have to do that.

I'm guessing it was something like "Then don't come, then!"

[frustratedmothe]

It was "you are uninvited to this wedding" from the bride's mother. This was after she told me that if we did not invite her 30 closest friends to the rehearsal dinner she would send them her own invitations. Rather than have the dinner turn into a free for all, we bowed out and told our son, his fiancé, and her parents for them to give their daughter the rehearsal dinner she "deserves". My husband is hurt and humiliated and refuses to go. Today I ran into some of my son's closest friends in high school and college. They were getting together with their spouses over the holidays at a restaurant here in town. They said they had invited my son but had not heard from him. They had not even heard that my son was getting married next month, much less been invited.

[smearcase]

Chuck is right on target as usual. If your son has no respect or allegiance to his own family and wants to enter into this entirely manipulative situation, let him learn his lesson. It's not like he is a naïve 19 year old. You sure to H aren't going to change him or her, and certainly not her parents. Certainly don't change your values. They made the bed--let them sleep in it.

[jjwoodhull]

Regardless of all that has happened, I think you and your husband will regret it if you don't attend your son's wedding. You have raised him the best you could. You are not going to change her. And you are certainly not going to change her parents.

For the sake of maintaining a sense of family, it is time for you to be the bigger person. Call her parents - tell them that you are sorry that you were not able to give them the rehearsal dinner that they wanted, especially trying to plan it from a distance, and you appreciate them taking over as hosts. Tell them that things were said on both sides "in the heat of the moment" and that it's time for a fresh start "for the sake of the kids".
Call the girlfriend and tell her that while you and she have not seen eye to eye in the past, you love your son and want him to be happy. And his happiness depends on the two of you getting along. Let her know that from that moment on, you will do your best to make your relationship with her work and you hope she can do the same - for the sake of your son, whom you both love.
Call your son and tell him that you love him and you are proud of him and you wish him nothing but happiness.
Sit your husband and other children down and explain to them that often when we think our loved ones are making a mistake, that is the time that you need to be most supportive. Let them know she is about to become family and that you will not tolerate them being rude to her - you raised them better than that.
Then put a smile on your face, go to the wedding and have a good time.

The bottom line is that your son has the right to marry whomever he chooses. Weather you are right or wrong, if you can't find a way to swallow your pride and get along you will not have a relationship with him. Be the bigger person. Hopefully everyone else will follow suit. But even if they don't, you will always know that you did everything in your power to get along.