[monicca915tx]

My fiancé just passed away in Thanksgiving morning and I want to die with him. I don't know what to do. This is so hard for me he was my everything. He was in a comma for a week before he passed away from leukemia. I haven't committed suicide because he made me promised him that I would go on and be happy if anything ever happened to him but its so hard. Im broken apart. When we wher together everything was just so perfect we wher both on top of the world, we had complete happiness. His family has told me many times that he was reborned when he met me. He was always depresses because of his leukemia and his mom passing away when he was at a young age but when he met me his smile came back. He said I was all his dreams come true and he was all my dreams come true, he was just so amazing and perfect he had everything planned out he even took my ring to get blessed by a priest. He wrote me songs(he had a great voice), wrote me poems and even made cd. Among everything he loved me and I loved him he said that out heart beat as one. (thats why my heart stopped when his did) He was very religious, read the bible everyday, always went to church, and everyone loved him. I felt blessed just but knowing he loved me because he was a sait. I used to be happy and optomistinc always looked at the positive side if things but now I just feel dead inside. He used to say that I was his angle and that his mom had sent me to him. He was a great person he was always helping someone and giving everyone a smile. His sis told me that if I would have asked him to make me a shirt of his back he would have and its true he lived for helping others. He was very smart to and graduated from high school at age 16 and was going to college to become a doctor because he wanted to help others. I gave him my heart and he gave me his I thanked God so much because he had brought us together. He was a the greatest person I have ever met and I can say Im a good person to we didn't deserve this. I don't lie never wanted to hurt anyone and now Im going tru the worse pain. I had never even asked God for anything because I was happy and thought that other people needed him more. But when my baby got sick all I did was pray so that God wouldn't take him away day and night I wouldn't even eat for the whole week that he was in the hospital. I feel like God must not love me and that I'm not worth anything I want to die I want to be with my love. We had so many dreams together and now its all gone. I got no dreams without him all I want is to be with him. I would give my life for his just to see him with his family and see him smile again. I don't know how to cope with this pain its just getting harder and harder I miss him every second more and more. He is all I ever think about. And I can't talk to my family because when I cry (which has been all the time when thers no people around to see me)they hurt and I don't want them to be hurt and I don't want to see them cry. And his family I gota keep strong so that they won't worry about me when they are going tru so much pain. His father said he was worried about me bacause I was part of his son that was so sweet but I don't want anyone to worry about me. My baby had every sigle thing always planned from the home he was going to build for me where we will make a family all the way up to his death. He left me and his family letters to read after he passed, some that we can't read until after chrismas and even a video. He was so amazing he is still surprising me and I'm still falling more in love with him. In the letter he told me that he will be missing me from heaven and waiting for me with open arms. He said he will love me forever and ever that he will always be taking care of me he said he left me his heart and to keep it close to me. But I gave him mine to and I could never be happy again this pain is only harder I want to be with him I just wish I didn't wake up. I know he will always be with me in spirit and that our love is never ending but I need to see him I need to hear his voice I miss him so much. I want to see our dreams come true. I don't know what to do anymore. I keep my promises and don't want to kill myself. How could I ever cope with this pain that will be with me for the rest of my life? Im only 18 and this pain is only getting harder and harder. Its horrible to say this but I don't want to live much longer and also Im afraid that God doesn't love me because he took my heart away from me. How do I deal with this? What do I do?

[Clough]

Hi, monicca915tx!

I feel for you - your grief, pain and suffering because of your loss!

You're trying to cope with your loss and trying to find ways to express yourself and that's really good! It's best to be letting things out from yourself rather than keeping them inside you. You'll find much comfort in the things that people on this site will write to you.

One of the best things that you can do right now is live in the spirit in the way that he would have liked and wanted you to live.

What do you think, please?

Thanks!

[artlady]

I am very sorry for your pain and suffering.

There is no quick fix for your pain and grieving is what you have to do right now.

You will go through many stages of grief and one day you will be able to celebrate your love and his life and feel peace knowing that you had your time together and you will feel the blessing of that .

I know God loves you ,he feels your pain.

You are so young and you have so much to live for ,even if you can't see it right now.

If you did anything to hurt yourself ,you would destroy not just your own life but the life of those who love you.You would also never see him again in the kingdom of heaven as suicide is a sin.

It just takes time my dear and please don't worry about being strong for others,you are entitled to your pain and they understand.Hiding your suffering is just making it worse for yourself.

Maybe you could join a bereavement group for young people.
Here is a link you may find useful...


Bereavement - Teens Support Group - DailyStrength

It does get better with time and all you can do right now is just try to get through every day as best you can.Sometimes you may be able to go a whole hour without breaking down and maybe the next day it will be two hours.

Give yourself time and ask for help when you need it.. that's what loved ones are for.

Many blessings to you in this difficult time... Michele

[Clough]

I know that you're no longer logged onto this site monicca915tx, but please do know that there are some very caring and insightful people on this site who have big shoulders on which to lean and cry as well as caring and loving advice and experiences to share that might be similar to yours to help to give you comfort.

I do so hope that you'll return to here!

Thanks!

[vexation]

Wow
I know that the pain you feel in time will find a place in your heart so that you can cope
Please do not do anything to yourself to make it go away as your actions will only pass your pain onto all the people that love you. I feel that crying with the people that love you is only normal - cry, cry and cry
Life is beautiful and death is part of it
Remember this man well and as stated live happy in his memory
You are so young and have so much life ahead of you
God has plans for us all and remember that these plans he has are good plans that involve lots of love

[monicca915tx]

Thank you

[Choux]

You have to cry and grieve and mourn and get all your emotions to the surface... don't intellectualize or over-think your situation. Share your misery with another person who will listen to you and not offer any advice... just cry over your terrible loss.

It is said that people go through five stages in their grief. Google this topic and read all about the five stages. There is life on the other side of a terrible loss, a happy life, it is just a matter of endurance through the difficult times.

Best wishes to you during this difficult time,