[NoelBroken]

For some background information, I am divorced. I was married for 3.5 years, I had come home from an Hunting Trip, and my ex-wife said she didn't love me anymore. She moved out.

During that month, a friend has told me that during that time she had a friend move in. I found this out this last month. I am glad she is happy. She really hurt me when she left, but I feel I deserve it. During our marriage I did cheat, I don't know why I did it. That was the second year we were married. We were together for a little over 8 years. With that information, maybe that will help you understand me a little better.

This year I did something even more terrible, I slept with two women that are married, one is in the midst of a divorce but the other is not. The married one I will call Sam, and the one in the midst of divorce is Tara. I used to work with Sam, and from the moment I saw her I wanted her. Over the next 8 months we developed a friendship, then in August we began sleeping with each other, when she could. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman, and I really hurt her. She told me she loved me. I believe her, and I love her, but with her history I didn't think she would leave her husband for me, and feel bad about thinking that - anyway.

Last week Sam and Tara had the chance to meet, they didn't know they would be meeting. I feel bad for both of them. I really need to get this off my chest, and I feel bad. Tara said I just handled it poorly, but I really hurt them and I have no idea why I even thought I could pull this off --

The story of Tara is different. She knew that I wasn't going to be exclusive, but she has decided that I am the only one that she wants to be with. I really like her, but I don't love her. I might love her. She is a great woman, and when Sam and Tara met, Tara stayed and let me try to explain myself. She, knows that I'm an idiot. I know that I am a perpetual cheater. With Sam I don't think I would have cheated on her ever, except that she was never around when I needed her, when she needed me I would always try to be there.

I feel bad for Tara, because I have hurt her, and she deserves better. I just wanted to get that off my chest. There is more, but I'm unsure how much to share initially. I haven't talked to Sam since she met Tara, and she really has let me know what a jerk I am, a 'player' and a couple other choice words. With her history I feel terrible, I'm just another man she couldn't trust.
Help?
What can I do to curb my selfish actions?
I never thought I would cheat on my wife, but I did. I never thought I would find someone to fill the space when Sam was not there.
But I did, could you help me look into why?

Anything you can do to help me would be a great help.

[Eileen1218]

You're on the right track by admitting and realizing that you have a problem w/ selfish actions.. . that's a good start in helping yourself. I think it would help if you would just be "still" and get control of your lust. " Still"-- as in stop chasing women ! If in time you'll find one that you really love and appreciate and THEN you must take the bad experiences and use it as widsom. Widsom will keep you from making the same mistakes over again. If not history will keep repeating itself. I really hope this help you... You don't "throw the baby out w/ the bath water" .

[KBC]

This is quite a situation.

Have you looked inside for the answers?If so,what have you come up with?

This could start the discussion and then you can start getting more input.

[NoelBroken]

I have looked inside. There is part of me that is very scared of being alone for the rest of my life. There is a part of me that is really attracted to Sam, she is literally is physically and mentally everything I've ever looked for. Of course she is married. Also, how she loves her children, is amazing. So, internally there is something wrong with me, but I don't know what it is... originally Sam was supposed to be helping me find someone I could love the rest of my life, she said she didn't want to share. I guess that's not the complete internal review you were looking for?

I am selfish. I'm needy. I like attractive women. I don't know what else, but I know there is more. I also like Tara, she is a nice girl and I don't want to hurt her any more. I don't think I'm a 'player,' but I am a liar and that's no fun.

[KBC]

Like one lie to cover another?

Being honest with yourself is the first thing I would work on.

Those 2 probably shouldn't be in your life anymore,the damage is done and your not married to either one(plus you don't want kids to EITHER ONE,imagine the life you would have then... )

Give up the married one,she needs to get help if she is straying from her vows.

The other one,well,she already knows what your all about,where would that relationship go?(besides the bed)

If your really upset about your life,you have to make changes and they might not be comfortable for you,but willingness is right after necessity.

I am off for tonight,hope we can continue this soon:)

KBC

[N0help4u]

You need to stop and take some time to yourself and quit chasing these women like a kid in a candy store that can't make up his mind if he wants the Sweet Tarts or the M&M's.
You have to get yourself 100% whole before and figure out the right way to go about a relationship. You can't find the one you want to spend your life with the way you are going. If you go on the way you are then you are gambling with what you see love as and then WILL end up alone and lost.

[NoelBroken]

So, for clarity. I need to be alone, before I can be with someone? And, what is the definition of love? I don't think I'm a kid in the candy store. I'm not justifying anything, but I was hoping for clarity. I'm not upset either, just really appreciate all the feedback.

I am not going to just leave the girl that stayed. She walked me through what she needs from me. First of all I'm not going to plan on her leaving me. (this is a hard one) The second is honesty. The sex thing is really tertiary.

Now the married one, she isn't talking to me anyway, so I guess that answers that question. I wrote her a letter apologizing and laying out how I feel. What was I supposed to do, wait for her, sounds like a sad grocery store novel. The other one and I have talked. She may know what I'm all about, but she is also a friend. I know it may seem like I'm a real terrible guy, but I'm not.

[N0help4u]

Okay so if you feel you are not like that then what do you see as the responsible solution?
Good you see that the married one is not worth wasting your time on
I said you need time to yourself because often that is what it takes to get clarity. When you are in the middle of situations it often clouds and confuses your better judgment.
If you think this girl that you are not just going to walk away from will be good then maybe that is what you need to do work on that relationship.

[Choux]

I think you just have to learn to be an honest person in your adult dealings.

Don't string along women; be truthful. If you are seducing a woman, tell her you *like* her... nothing more. Be honest.

IF you are married... be honest and authentic with your wife and love her... no affairs. Stay away from other men's wives.

[NoelBroken]

So, there was an interesting twist to this whole thing. For Christmas my present was, 'I think this is stressing me out too much, and I can't handle it.' So, that was fun. I left her alone, did Christmas with my family. She didn't stop emailing and calling me on the phone. We talked on Saturday night, set up something to do for New Years, then poof she was gone on Sunday, didn't hear from her again till Monday. We had plans to hang out for New Years, I was pretty excited.

She changed her plans and decided not to hang out with me, she didn't tell me till Monday. It was really weird. You all were right I guess, she figured out I wasn't worth the time. Then when I brought her all the stuff she had left at my place, she told me that she didn't think it was the end. That she felt it would be fine if we just kept having sex, casual sex. She was angry when I told her no, that I don't do the casual sex thing. I take it more seriously than that. Then of course, I was a hypocrite.

Point being, this is what we (single) people deal with. And for my hearts protection, it seems like the right thing to do. I may have lost both, but I did just stick with one for... what 2 weeks, and it led to this. I'm okay with being alone, but I hate being alone. And I know who I am.

[N0help4u]

Basically it sounds like she has cold feet.
Sounds even more like she doesn't want to be in a relationship
BUT with the IF I can't have him I don't want anybody else to have him either.
She can have you but SHE is holding back but doesn't want you moving on.
You need to tell her that this relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere and you don't see any reason not to break up.
That if she wants to be with you NOW is the time to work it all out or you are going to accept being a single alone guy. If she really does want to be with you she will talk it over and make compromises to see you more and quit putting you off as she has been. She may want to break up but not sure how to go about it, maybe doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

[NoelBroken]

I have battled back and for on writing anymore on this one. As there are some many twists to the story I'm not sure where to begin and end. The good news is that Tara has found someone and she is happy. We do not talk as I want her to be happy, and though we are all adults there is no need for me to interfere in her happiness, and me being around just would complicate things.

I am single and of course lonely. But, maybe that way is best. I still believe that I'm a great guy, and that I do make terrible mistakes, but not to intentionally hurt others. There is nothing I wouldn't do to find the woman that wants to be with me. Right now though I am focusing on me and what I need. I am struggling like everyone else in this economy, and was laid off last week. It would have been nice to have a shoulder to cry on, but at the same time as I have always done, though I sought and appreciate all of your great advice and suggestions -- I have turned it all over to God.

Each of you are amazing, and I appreciate the time and consideration each of you put into answering my challenge.

[I wish]

I know my advice might come a bit late, but I'll give it anyway for future reference.

I think that you've been too dependent on having a woman in your life. You can't handle being alone. I'm not sure how you came to be this way, maybe your parents spoon fed you too much, but either way, you are not a very independent person.

However, it's not too late for you! From reading all your posts, it sounds like you are making really good progress, so that's good! It is really tough times, so focus on stabilizing yourself first before getting back into the game.

I'm not sure why you can't commit to only one woman. Is it because you don't like fighting? And when the going gets tough, you turn to others for comfort? I'm just throwing ideas out there. This is a good opportunity to reflect on your past decisions. Why do you feel the need to cheat? Why can't you be faithful. These are questions that you need to address yourself.

When you figure it all out, you will come out as a stronger and better person. Good luck!

Let us know if you need more help.