[coyne740]

Entire story merged

Ok,
I started working at a company in another state and it's about an hour drive in the morning and night. I want to move closer to the company (larger city), but my girlfriend, who has a good job in our hometown, is vehemently opposed to this, even going as far as saying that we will break up if this happens. I am not getting to make any relationships with my coworkers, I am left out of conversations, etc, because of my "outsider" status.

What do you think I should do? I love her, we've been together for 3 years, and an hour is not that far of a drive for weekend visiting and emergencies... plus I want to establish myself in the area for our future (opportunities are better in the area for our field), in case she gets a job in the area later.

Any ideas?

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Coyne,

It kind of seems like she putting more importance on her career than yours. It's selfish that you two can only have a relationship if she lives where she works. So the deal is that if you move to better your career and be happier she is going to break up with you. I mean this is barely long distance... an hour! I'd just tell her how you feel, and that you aren't even asking her to move with you if she doesn't want to right now, you love her and want to be with her and think that laying a foundation in this city right now will be the best for both of you. No one should ever threaten you with ending a relationship for trying to better your life. How serious are you guys? I think you should seriously talk to her and find out if she is dead serious if she will end it, if so the world doesn't revolve around her and you should do what you want for you.

[coyne740]

Thanks for the response Nice Guy,
Talked to her for a bit tonight, she doesn't even want to try to make it work for some reason. She went to school about 2 hours away a couple of years ago when we first started dating and is citing that as the reason she knows it won't work. I barely had time to visit her between school and work, and she drove back and forth all of the time. She also has some anxiety issues and the "safety" factor of me being 15 - 20 minutes away right now is nice for her. I don't know what to do, she is willing to try to move to the halfway point with me (about 30 minutes from where I am now, but it would only cut about 15 minutes off my commute due to traffic... so I don't know what to do.

Another thing is that there is so much to do in the larger city and the place we live now and the place she wants to go to are really "blink and you miss them towns"...

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Well it kind of seems like you guys are at a crossroads, and want different things. How serious are you guys? Do you really see your future with her in it? Or are there just too many issue that will get in the way of that.

[coyne740]

I see myself with her - I really do love her, and this is actually the first problem that we have had... I just do not want to lose out on a good opportunity and hold it against her

[JBeaucaire]

Stop talking about love. You two have loved each other for 3 years. That has always been there.

This is now about truth. 3 years is PLENTY of time to decide if you can spend the rest of your life wrapping your lives together sacrificially. The word is SACRIFICIALLY. This means putting the other person's needs equal to your own for all time.

My wife has quit 5 jobs over the years to allow me to make my job changes. 5 years ago, I quit a HIGH-paying job to give her a chance to start a company in another city, a rare opportunity she has succeeded at marvelously. I knew she would. I delivered pizzas for 18 months until I got my current replacement corporate job. See? SACRIFICIAL decisions for the benefit of the one you love.

She has to feel the same way about all of this, too. Your "crossroads" really is here. It's time to stop cutting bait and start fishing. 3 years is plenty of time. This isn't about love. BOTH of you need to ask yourselves the question now - love feelings aside, "is this the one?" You both have to answer and unqualified yes.

The answer is usually "no"... and it's hard to hear/admit if that's the case. You ignore that truth at your own peril. The mistakes that ensue chasing love when life has said "no" are endless.

But it's up to you. Ask the questions. If the answer is YES, then get married. The geography issue will be the next of many sacrificial decisions you will make FOR each other..

[mafiaangel180]

Move half way.

[talaniman]

This is where the willingness to work together comes in, as you must work together to solve this issue. You can compromise, cut a deal, or whatever way you negotiate.

She sounds so dead set against it, its you who must decide which way to go.

Just my opinion, her unwillingness to even consider a distance relationship is understandable. Moving from her comfort zone is also.

Keep talking, maybe she has some ideas, but where a couple lives is a key part of the relationship, and you must decide how important this relocation is to you.

[coyne740]

I actually have a quick question, as I have noticed that most of you have posted on both her and my questions (she posted after I did, Google is crazy sometimes). What motivates everyone here to give advice? Why are you here? I am just wondering, because, the answers that were given were pretty much the same for both of us - "There is no love, you should know what's important" (paraphrasing), etc. I just am curious at the background on why the frequent posters came here in the first place, it could help me analyze some of the advice.

[JBeaucaire]

I'm a big fan of sacrificial love... not needing to be the winner when dealing with my loved one. That's a driving, mortar position for us. My wife is not as automatic in this area, but each year that I practice this concept she becomes more and more a proponent herself.

I want to clarify what I said to you both, I said "stop talking about love"... I didn't say "there is no love." This is so critical. Love is not the issue. Behavior, acceptance, lovingNESS is the issue you two are going through.

That's why I called it a crossroads. After 3 years, you two should have these behaviors figured out. You really should. You should know where you're relationship is heading.

If it's actually still growing stronger and stronger more than anything else, then you go with that and you add your sacrifices to keep the experiment alive. You do it. Your sacrifices are the mortar that turns love into true love.

But the crossroads DOES include the other path, the path of moving on and starting anew. I am constantly reminding people in the relationships forum that the other path is a legitimate path. If they don't actually consider the other path as legitimate, they put up with some pretty stupid situations.

Do I think yours is a stupid situation? Not in the least. But by forcing you two to look long and hard at the OTHER path for a few minutes, HARD, it sounds like you both may have "snapped out of it" a bit in regard to the path you want to take, the path of keeping the experiment alive and being more selfless.

Am I right? Is this what you two are doing? It's great (while dating) to stay aware of the truths and be able to sort out the insecurities and selfishnesses properly. They'll always be there, but time makes them less our master.

So, to answer your last question, I come on to this forum to get people to calm down, look at their situations more pragmatically, step back and ask the honest questions about compatibility and focus, and not live/die on the "love" issue alone. That's it. My goal is to help people commit to what they know to be TRUE, not just what they feel.

Most of the time that means we're talking to people about moving on, getting over, learning, getting quicker to the next thing... but not always, as is the case with you. Sometimes that same TYPE of advice helps people in a better situation actually choose to stay and do the work, a little more accepting of each other in the process.

Win-win.

[Synnen]

I, too, think the halfway point is a good idea--but the halfway point for the COMMUTE for both of you, not the halfway point distance-wise.

Look at the big picture, too--is it worth moving to a bigger city if the cost of living will be higher overall? Factor in rent/mortgage, utilities, gas for communting, and quality time with each other and other people.

I gave up several jobs over the last 12 years to follow my husband as he pursued his career. Of course, I didn't absolutely LOVE any of those jobs, either--and now that I DO have a job I love, my husband is willing to make sacrifices with HIS job for me.

If you don't live together currently, you moving while she stays might be an okay thing too. She would then get a chance to stay with you occasionally, to see what living there is like, and you could still easily visit her and spend time with her.

As far as the "long distance" thing not working--well, 1 hour is hardly long distance. In a larger city, an hour is across town! I believe that you guys do love each other--and if you TRUST each other too, then a short term 1 hour away relationship shouldn't be a problem for either of you.

As far as why I answer questions: I answer because sometimes I've been in the situation and can share what worked for me, or sometimes I've been in a situation and I can share what didn't work--sometimes it's just someone I know, and sometimes it's just showing people the objective side of the problem they're looking at. Sometimes when you're the one with the problem, you can't see the forest for the trees, you know? Basically, people here have helped me, and this is my way of giving back.

[coyne740]

Hey all,
My girlfriend (I guess ex) ended it with me - here's the story.

She texted me when I was playing darts in my league last night twice and I didn't see it until I got home. She said that she was miserable with her life and it was making me miserable and she was sick of it. I called her upon arriving home and she said she was done. Well, I hung up, thought about it, called her back and cried and begged, but she said she needed to find herself, was too dependent on me and that she needed to learn to live on her own. But she still wants to exchange Xmas gifts on the 24th and she said she still loves me. Should I do NC until then? She always asked how I knew she was "the one" and always questions everything (Psych bachelor's degree).

I already miss the hell out of her, she's my best friend. She works a night shift and was miserable with it and she really only hung out with two people, her cousin and a good friend.

I am really going crazy here and need some advice. I do love her and still feel that she is "the one", but I don't want to go crazy from thinking about this.

[kctiger]

I would go NC if I were you. If you guys still exchange gifts, it would appear to me as if feelings are still around for the both of you. Start reading the stickies on this forum for advice on how to handle your situation. Four years is a long time, I know how you feel, but everything ends at some point in time. Is this the end for you two, who knows?? But, for your own sanity don't contact her over and over again, as that will not help at all. If she wants to 'find herself' then let her do that without your interference.

[TrueFaith]

She wants to break up with you but still get gifts at X mass? HELL NO!

Go no contact and leave her alone

let her find herself or whatever!

and you my friend use this time to better yourself :)

[Wrenn]

4 years is a long time to be in a relationship. She may have been thinking about her life (feeling too dependent on you, etc.) and there was a "straw that broke the camel's back" which occurred very recently. It's probable that this 'straw' had really nothing to do with you, and that she just flipped out. I've done this as well in a past relationship, mostly because I was unhappy with my career, self-esteem, etc. Or she may have been suffering silently inside for a long time. Thinking back, did she ever try to reach out to you, to talk? (communicate more, or better?)... If so, those were likely points of time where she was trying to let you know and work through it. If she has a psychology background, I believe she'd be able to get around to talking about this with you, and not just disappear via a text. I think she needs your attention, a positive understanding kind. I'm just guessing on that. In the meantime, try not to go crazy overanalyzing and worrying. She should at least give you more than just a text message, that's lame on her part. Just let the dust settle and relax your head and spirit. If she said she wants to still exchange gifts on Dec 24, hopefully she has the guts to communicate with you about your relationship between now and then. A solid relationship is more important that gift exchanging, and we all know that. I hope you get what you want in a good way.

[coyne740]

Just to clarify, she didn't break it off through texting, she did the "we need to talk" line through texting.

[Wrenn]

I was thrown off by what you wrote "I called her upon arriving home and she said she was done." I interpreted that as she is saying she is done with the relationship? Or she could be done with a lot of things. Again, 4 years is a really long time and you should both be talking soon. Take it easy, I wish you the best.

[coyne740]

She said she wanted a break to find herself and we all know a break is an easy way to break up

[Wrenn]

A break to find one's self does not always mean to break it off with someone indefinitely. I don't know the in's and out's of your relationship, but if she said that she needs to get away to get some perspective (this is what it sounds like). If I said this to my partner, I'd be at my wit's end and feel like I just needed to break away from everything to reassess my life, etc. It's better that someone do this and know what they want, instead of "going through the motions". I'm not saying that's what she's doing, but she may just be totally stressed out to the point of depression or burn-out. I'd send her a card or flowers (something low-key like lilies) and a note to let her know you love her and are there for her. Short and sweet. Don't beg etc. because you are not in the wrong, nor is she. Just give both of yourselves some space and yes, NC. Make her wonder a bit, but if she calls, just pick up the phone. :-)

[ImTotallyLost]

I don't know, but the last time it happened to me, the relationship was over. And I think it's unfair for anyone, specially after 4 years, to request a break to find herself. Because it suddenly becomes too asymmetric. While she is trying to find herself you will be stuck in the uncertainty of not knowing if she'll ever be back.

If she's asking for a break, I think it's better to tell her you'd rather break up. I know you love her but if you break up clean, there's a chance that she might come back and you'll be able to restart. But if you hold on to her right now, you'll suffer too much and it'll hurt, and it'll be harder for you to forgive her. Trust me, I am facing that problem right now.

I am not saying to cut her off completely. But just tell her it's over and start thinking of moving on with your life while she looks for herself. Don't sit and wait for her move, it'll only make it worse.