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Wrenn · Dec 10, 2008, 12:32 PM

ImTotallyLost, I agree with you. Your answer is looking at the question from a "big picture" perspective. I'm actually thinking about his girlfriend and what must be going on with her to do this. I know in my past relationship, I had enough and wanted a 100% clean break from my ex. I was direct about it, and he was wanting "the let's be friends" bit. I said no, that's too hard and weird for me, especially after so much history b/t us. A person's heart (and life) is not a revolving door, for somebody to just walk in and out of when they please. When you make that clear to the other person, they know their boundary and that you demand respect. They can either take it or leave it.

jmw0713 · Dec 10, 2008, 12:57 PM

A break is a break-up! If she needs time to think, give it to her by Not Contacting her. Don't beg and don't cry for her to come back! It is time like this where you need to respect the request, be a man, and move forward in life.

Don't be a wimp by begging and pleading. It won't work and it will make you look weak. You need to be strong!

If she needs time to find herself... fine! Don't wait around for her to figure herself out because in the end you will end up in more pain.

You need time to find the person you were before this relationship... which means taking time for yourself.

There is no use wasting time and energy trying to changes someone feelings. It never works and it will never happen. Take this time to work on yourself and rediscover who YOU are. Don't worry about her... she will be fine.

I know your pain. We all have been through this at one time! You're in good company here.

wolfgangqpublic · Dec 10, 2008, 02:08 PM

Recognize this now - you were together for 4 years. It is unlikely that you will get back together. Accept this and the fact that you will not be ready for another relationship (honestly) for about 6-8 months IF you start no contact and accepting the finality now.

The reasons she gave you are classic FINAL lines. There isn't much ambiguity there, and you already tried to keep her.

talaniman · Dec 10, 2008, 03:12 PM

Give her what she has asked for, and live your life without her, one day at a time. No reason for you both to be miserable and confused. Let her deal with her issues without you. Plan for your own holiday, and be busy, and unavailable.

Talaniman rule - Never hold your breath waiting for someone to come back after a break!

I know it will be difficult, given the time of the year, but adjust your plans to not include her, and keep your head up. Staying busy around family and friends helps.

coyne740 · Mar 3, 2009, 01:43 PM

Merged and edited

I wanted to update this - So -
The ex and I got back together shortly before Xmas. She called and asked if I would come over after work and I did, and she explained that she wanted to try to work on us. Which we did for about two months, until a couple of weeks ago.

I was at her place and I had asked her if she was going to sign another year lease, and if she did, where did that leave us in a year. Would we be living together, what would happen. She explained that she did not know if I was "the one" and she was talking to a guy on myspace and thought he was her soulmate. Remember, I am 28, she is 25 and this guy is in his 30s. I decided I was too old for that kind of BS and left. And I was fine with it.

Until about a week later, she called and asked me to come over, she was having one of her chronic panic attacks and if I would sit with her to help her through it. She asked me to stay, I told her no, but one thing led to another and I slept with her. She asked me to stay again, and I said no, gathered some stuff I left there and sat with her for about 3 hours talking. Now, I know that she has stuff she needs to work through, as do I. Separately. I just can't get that last conversation and the feelings that were there out of my mind. I don't want to be with her, I keep telling myself that, but what am I supposed to do? I just wish I could fast forward time... I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want her back, but I don't want her with anyone else. I am being a pretty big a-hole by admitting that, but it's the truth. I want her to be happy, but I wanted her to be happy with me. She has told me I am the best guy in the world, that I have a huge heart and made her nothing but happy, but I didn't understand parts of her and she didn't understand parts of me. I want her to regret leaving me someday, I want her to regret all of this. Sorry, wanted to get that off my chest. What should I do to get over this girl?

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 3, 2009, 01:56 PM

I think we would all like are EX to regret ever breaking up with us! But seriously sleeping with an EX is a big NO NO. this only create confusion and more feelings, in the long run its not worth it.

So she thinks she has found her soulmate on myspace, good for her,bad for you. But life goes on, and out there is your "soul mate"

We all say this TIME is a healer. At times it feels like we are never going to get over this, but if other can, then so can you.

kctiger · Mar 3, 2009, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by coyne740

Sorry, wanted to get that off of my chest. What should I do to get over this girl?

Well, for starters:

1. Quit having sex with her
2. Quit going over to her place to "comfort" her
3. Quit making yourself available for her

You are doing everything in your power to NOT get over her, so reverse your current bahavior, and move forward.

coyne740 · Mar 3, 2009, 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Well, for starters:

1. Quit having sex with her
2. Quit going over to her place to "comfort" her
3. Quit making yourself available for her

You are doing everything in your power to NOT get over her, so reverse your current bahavior, and move forward.

1. Not going to happen again
2. I am not going to do that either
3. I have initiated NC again - but it's hard not to talk to someone who was your best friend for 4 years. Other girls I have dated, I really didn't like talking to them, but she was different and really stimulated me intellectually... that's hard as well. The sex on Sunday wasn't the best part of that night - what I liked was that for the first time since I can remember, I wanted to really open up to her, not even like I had when we were together. Anyway, I want to move on, move up and get on with my life, and I have always taken break-ups hard, harder than most, but this time, it feels like a piece of me has gone out the door...

De4rest · Mar 3, 2009, 05:58 PM

I can understand why you said that. You still have feelings for her although she hurts you in some ways. I believe deep down in your heart you know the answer whether you should be with her or not. That's OK by saying you want her to regret leaving you etc. But, don't think that way just believe that she has already experience a loss. That's enough. Whether she regret or not, it does not matter. What matter now is how you heal yourself. First of all, don't ever contact her ever again or if she ever contact you, please talk briefly, don't go back to that hole. Go out, make yourself busy. I know it's hard not to initiate contact, but find some other friend that you feel comfortable talking to. As the time passed by, you'll get used to it and you'll be fine.

coyne740 · Mar 5, 2009, 05:29 PM

Just wanted to post a quick reply - 2 days of NC and I am actually feeling pretty good. I think that I really need to work on myself to have a relationship with someone, and realized that life is too good right now, even without her in it. Does it hurt? Hell yes! But am I going to let that hurt control my future decisions? Nope. Will there be times when I am weak and want to call her? Yup, but I will not.

MiSSsy111222 · Mar 6, 2009, 05:06 AM

Positive thinking I like it. Keep it up! :) but be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions, it always goes down before it goes up! Keep strong!

coyne740 · Mar 8, 2009, 08:05 PM

Well, she called me on Saturday - and we talked for about an hour... I did NC from Wednesday to Friday, have gone out with friends, was on a business trip (I hate flying), and Friday night, I was out, talking and flirting, which helped, but she was texting me all night, which I did not answer. Then on Saturday morning, she texted me at 5 AM and told me she loved me and wanted me to know that in case something happened to her.

I love her a lot and know that she has her own stuff to figure out, but I tried to call her back that day and she did not answer, so I took a nap and saw she called me about 3 times. I should not have talked to her, but it seemed as if she needed someone and I know that she really depended on me, so I called her back.

Big mistake, even talking with her was hard, she talked about the Myspace guy, and another guy she hung out with. I am done with all of this, I am just so emotionally drained and I need to stay away from her.

kctiger · Mar 9, 2009, 06:15 AM

We have all fallen off the horse... just get back on, and keep moving forward. No worries, it is understandable, and, truthfully, it is expected...

jmw0713 · Mar 9, 2009, 06:21 AM

Just get back on the NC wagon and start over. All of us have had set backs.

Just remember how talking to her this time has made you feel, so next time she calls you will know what to do... not answer.

coyne740 · Mar 9, 2009, 07:36 AM

It made me feel good when I was talking to her, but afterwards, I felt really bad. When I talked to her, I just told her what I was doing and she told me what she was. I came to the realization that we were doomed from the beginning because she never knew that she was good enough for me (constantly saying, You're too good for me, etc.). She's got some major baggage that I am starting to see now, but, I am starting to realize that she needs to deal with it, and I need to deal with mine.

jmw0713 · Mar 9, 2009, 07:43 AM

That's exactly what you need to do. Let her deal with her crap and you deal with your's. Walk away and stay on your own for a bit. Sort out your business and enjoy this time and freedom.

Good Luck!

coyne740 · Mar 9, 2009, 10:37 AM

Today has been tough. I know she had a Dr. appointment, but don't know the outcome, and that was a big fight we had, that she never dealt with her health issues. Also, Heroes is on, that was our show to watch, and it's just really hard today. I have a therapist's appointment at 3, so hopefully that helps a bit...

coyne740 · Mar 10, 2009, 11:10 AM

I am probably not going to be posting on here for a little while. I know she reads this from time to time and knows my username. But for an update, I am feeling better, no calls still - yeah! I do want to know what is up with her, and am wondering where we went wrong, but I realize that sometimes things just happen.

michele1983 · Mar 10, 2009, 11:17 AM

I recently went through a breakup as well and it has been very hard for me. But through all of it what I learned is that if you truly love someone... Then in that love, let go. Because you love them, let them go so that they can pursue happiness. Ultimately, I would think that is what you would want.

We can't help nor control what others want. If they don't want us, then don't force it. If they really do, then they may come back. Don't count on it though because that hopeful energy needs to be focused back on yourself.

coyne740 · Mar 16, 2009, 08:52 AM

So, I did really well on the NC until last Wednesday, when I called her to ask her to change her passwords on her email. I was too tempted to look at them. We talked, and I was fine, but Thursday morning, she had a panic attack and called for me to help her. So I did. I told her Thursday night to go back to ignoring me, to let me live, because I couldn't take talking to her, especially about how she felt about this new guy.

Well, Friday, she texted me and asked me to check on her at 9 PM, because she was panicking again. So, being the lapdog that I am, I did and I was fine, until I she started talking about the new guy again. I told her to ignore me and I was going to ignore her.

Saturday morning I was good, she even texted me saying that she was afraid of losing me but it wasn't enough to go back to me. I was out on a "date" I guess you could say, it was St. Patty's day and we were celebrating all day. I ignored her text and later that day texted her back asking what she meant by it. She responded nothing, she was just lonely when she wrote it and scared.

Last night I called her to talk and asked if she had met this new guy in person yet. She said no, he was still in a relationship, and she had no intentions of meeting him while he was with his girlfriend. I said that she should meet him, it would help give me closure knowing that the guy was what she wanted. Big reveal, she met him Saturday night. He is what she wants but hasn't left his relationship yet. He doesn't know when he is going to, but she is going to wait for him to do it, because they are "meant to be" and she wants to see what is there. I again told her not to answer my calls, I will try to call, I have no self control.

I have a therapist, I have friends, I have been going out. I need to get the compulsion to speak with her out of my system. It only hurts when I do it, so why do I keep doing it? Am I some sadomasochist?