[Noodles15]

B and I started dating in September of 2006. He was my everything. I truly loved him and he loved me. It was intense and felt right. We talked about getting married and having kids.
In April of 2008 I started feeling weird. I felt cramped. I felt like I was missing out. I was angry with B. Sure we had our problems, but looking back now it's nothing that couldn't be solved. We started hanging out with a friend's bandmates, both B and I. I started flirting with one of the members. Right in front of B. When B tried to talk to me like a concerned partner should I denied everything and yelled at him and made him feel bad. On May 24th, 2008 I left B. I immediately started dating the other guy. I slept with the guy even though I knew how horrible I was. Then, I missed B. The new guy was a jackass. I knew when I broke up with B I was running at that it was a mistake. I started dating B, but I didn't call it off with the other guy. I didn't let B hold my hand or kiss me or anything, because I felt guilty that I had the things with the other guy. I lied to everyone around me. But then, I was found out. I told everyone I was coming clean with them, but only said that I kissed the guy. I wanted it to be true so badly. B threw up when he found out, but he was still willing to give me another chance. I said no, and I left B crying on a friends doorstep. I felt so guilty for what I had done, and even more guilty that I wasn't telling B all of it. I hated myself so much. I was taking a summer class and my grades started to slip. I cut ties with everyone.
In June I started hanging out with my cousin. She and I used to be close but I couldn't stand her constant drinking. She was a -up, a major one. She also had a habit of going after guys that I was connected with. She had made major waves when B and I started dating so I hadn't talked to her the last year of B and I's relationship. I went to hang out with her and started drinking. I had always been a person who did things right, and I felt like I stumbled and everyone hated me, so I wanted to REALLY -up.
I tried to talk to B a few times, he still loved me, but then he started hanging out with my cousin, I told them both how uncomfortable I was with it but they did anyway, and it really hurt me that B would do that to me. I started drinking a lot and hanging out with a new guy. I slept with this guy. I hated myself so much. I still do. I knew the decisions I was making were bad but I did them anyway. I don't know why. Maybe I thought by burning everything down I could start over again.
I stopped hanging out with that guy and the people who made drinking accessible to me. School was starting. I had an 18 credit course load. School had always been something I could immerse myself in when things were bad, but it didn't work this time. I made friends with these guys who lives near me, I knew them because B had recorded at their house. The main guy I hung out with had been with a girl on an off again for five years. He said everything was his fault. He was the only person in all this time I had opened up to about B and I's break-up. One day, he and I fooled around. It was the only time we ever touched and both of us knew it was wrong. Shortly after, he started trying to work things out with his girl.
I had to drop a class, because the load was too much. I was failing two classes, I dropped the one I was doing worse in to try and bring my grade up in the other, but it didn't work. By this time I had been diagnosed with depression. I would spend my time in my bed, knowing I should be doing other things, but not being able to convince myself to. I tried hanging out with good people who didn't want anything but to be friends with me. I made two good friends, and had a third who I talked to on the computer a lot, but he had a girlfriend so I think it would be weird for us to hang out. I tried spending time with these friends to cheer myself up, but I just felt guilty for not doing school work and I'd be in a worse mood.
In November I started talking to B again, we decided to try and work stuff out. He hadn't even gone on a date with a single girl. I lied to him about everything I had done. I told him I had kissed the second guy, but still lied about everything else. B had changed and it upset me so much. He likes drinking beer now and hangs out with people I've never liked. I hated that he trusted them and cared for them. I wanted to be the only person in his life. Yea, B isn't perfect and I'm not trying to make him out to be, but I had him feel horrible for things. I didn't talk to him about things in a respectful manner. I didn't trust him about anything. Then, I was reading up on trust and read a line "If you don't trust someone, it could be because you're lying." That was it. I had thought about coming clean before, but it seems the people in my life make it very easy for me to do the wrong things. My mother encouraged me to break up with B and told me that "the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else." Also, we wondering if I should come clean about everything that happened with the first guy back in June, my mother told me "you never tell someone all of your secrets." However, I finally did the right thing and told B everything I had ever lied to him about.
This comes at a horrible time. It's finals week for me, and I'm already doing terrible with school, but I know I'm doing the right thing. I got accepted as a McNair Scholar, but I'm worried that when they see my grades from this semester they won't want me anymore. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing now, but I'm still battling depression and crippling anxiety. I want to make things right with B so badly. I want to fix everything, but at this point I feel so lost that I don't know exactly what to do. B is giving me a chance, but I'm so scared that he'll feel so hurt by me that I'm just driving him closer to his friends and that he and I will never be able to recover from what I did.
I told B I'd prove to him everyday that he can trust me and that I won't ever hurt him like that again, but I'm so weak right now. I'm afraid that I'll slip up and that the tiniest slip up with ruin us forever. I'm also afraid that because I messed up so badly that our relationship with forever be greatly skewed with B on top. I want us to have a healthy relationship. I hope that from me coming clean we'll be able to build a strong, good relationship.

I have some issues with B. However, it seems like I'm not allowed to say anything about his actions or things that bother me because of what I did. Here are my current problems...

1- A lot of things about B have changed, and I know a big part of it is that he's changed because of me hurting him, and I hate that so much. When B and I were first together he hates everything involved with alcohol... he hated parties, he hated bars, he hated alcoholic beverages. Now, he says he really likes beer, he goes to parties occasionally, and he goes to bars. He drinks a few times a week a now (1-2 drinks normally) and drives EVERY TIME he drinks(He has a terrible driving record). On his 21st birthday he got so drunk that he was puking the bar before he left, and you can tell by the pictures that he had alcohol poisoning. I really don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to him.

2-When B and I were together, he never hung out with girls. And now he hangs out with girls that I've known longer than I've known him (or than he's known them) and I know they're bad news. I'm not friends with these people, it's very clear that the one that he's most adamant about staying friends with has feelings towards him (I'm not the only one who thinks so) but he swears they're JUST FRIENDS and I feel like he's forcing me to talk to her. I sent her a message of my own will about why I don't feel like she and I are friends and she immediately sent him a text message that caused him to yell at me for 3 days about how accusing and full of hate my message must have been. It wasn't this way, I felt I was trying to be very open and honest without adding emotion. She took a few days and responded with a message about HOW CLOSE B and her are, how he's talked to her about me so much, and about how she's tried so hard to be my friend and has been responding to all my twitters, even up to last week(I deleted her from twitter, she hasn't been able to see my responses in over a month). I said something negative about the message and B immediately jumped to her defense saying how nice the message must have been and how I'm just bitter and angry.

3-The next one isn't really a big deal, but there's so many things that he hated when we were together and they are apart of his life now. Bands, the school he wants to go to, etc. and it's really hard on me having to adjust to these changes.


Any Advice about anything?

[neverme]

Hi Noodles,

JESUS you've had a really hard time of it. You have acted badly in the past but that does not mean you have to spend the rest of your life in repentance for it. Those things that you have done have let you down, no one else. You are the only one you can rely on 100% of the time unless your really lucky and you are the only one you have to answer to.

Until you believe that what you did was out of character and that it does not define you, you will never be happy not with B or anyone else, because if your not happy with yourself you cannot be happy with someone else or help them be happy.

It seems to me B is going through what you have gone through. A phase. An out of character phase. Nonetheless, you are not to blame for it. You may have been a contributing factor as he was to your situation but he didn't cause it. The same applies for yourself.

Have you told him that you feel the relationship will always be skewed in his favour? Because if you haven't you need to. You need to be totally honest about everything your feeling. For one, it is the only way your relationship has any chance at all. And secondly, look where dishonesty got you the last time.

As for slipping up, you are only human we all mistakes and that has to be allowed for in a relationship. I understand that these were very grave mistakes in your view but if he says he wants to try again and really does then these demons have to be put to bed. If they cannot then there's your answer already.

With regards the issues you have with him with hanging out with other girls. Well this one is difficult. You cannot curtail anyone's life and if you try to you will definitely lose them and yourself in your attempts. If honesty can truly be achieved in your relationship this issue will cease to exist because as the saying goes you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. It swings both ways. This girl could throw herself at him everyday for the rest of your relationship but if he's not interested he's not interested.

His drinking, especially in relation to driving while drunk, needs to be addressed. If not out of concern for him, for the other people that might be killed by his recklessness.

Most of all though you have to be true to yourself. If you can look yourself in the mirror every morning and be happy with what is reflected back then you have nothing to worry about. You are the most important person in your life. You're the only one that has to live with the consequences of it, and that little voice inside your head. Follow your heart and things will be OK. Maybe not easy but your obviously a very strong person to begin with so I have no doubt that you'll survive.

[Noodles15]

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to reply, tonight is really hard for me, it's really terrible weather out, the roads are bad, and he and I had decided as a couple that he wouldn't drive when he had had anything to drink, especially tonight, but he messaged me today saying his was going out with his friend to the bar, but that it was fine because he would only have one and didn't have far to drive. I tried to express my concern, but when he and I were deciding to get back together he said that if I was going to give him crap and just cause issues and fight with him when he was with his friends that he was going to call it off. And, tonight, when I tried to express my concerns he started going off about how he can't be with someone who doesn't trust him to have one beer.

[neverme]

Your breaking up does not give him a carte blanche to berate every time you have concerns. That's not right and not healthy. A relationship is a two way street and it is natural to have concerns about this due to his history.

Sometimes I find if I'm really having a hard time dealing with, or expressing something, if I write it all down. Not in a clear concise manner but any way it comes to me. Then read it, leave it down for a few minutes read it again and try to write a bit clearer. Like if it was someone else's problem, on here for example, and try to give an answer from an objective perspective that can help. But the important thing with this method of dealing is to write it only for yourself and keep it that way. I burn them personally. There is a sense of relief in the action alone and it really clarifies my thoughts.

I don't know if this would help you but it might. It's a learning game until you come to the solution that works for yourself.

[Noodles15]

I have taken to keeping a journal, mostly for that purpose, thanks again for taking the time to reply, I wish I could get lots of responses. When I went down that path I lost all my friends so I don't really have anyone to go to about this.

[neverme]

You can send me a private email on this site anytime you'd like to chat. No probs there. I'm sure if you check in on the site tomorrow you will have more responses.

[Noodles15]

Sorry, I'm new here, how do I send private messages?

[neverme]

Just click on my name and an option should come up

[Noodles15]

I have trust issues. Not just with my boyfriend, but with everyone in my life. It bugs me more with my boyfriend though. I trust him more than anyone else, but also know how impulsive he is. I'm worried he'll get hurt, or not think something through and end up hurting me. We dated for 1 year and 9 months, broke up for 6 months, and recently got back together. Over the course of our break-up we both did things we regret, and are trying to work things out. I worry SO MUCH- about him and about what he's doing. I know the worrying has to do with trust, and I want to solve this issue as soon possible. The worrying gives me horrible, painful anxiety. Any suggestions?

[jmw0713]

Seek help. Are you taking any medication for this?

[kctiger]

You have posted numerous times about this, and our advice is doing nothing for you. Get professional help, in my opinion, as that is the only other option.

[Noodles15]

I've only ever posted ONE other question, I'm new here, and only one person replied to my last message.

[Noodles15]

Seek help. Are you taking any medication for this?

I've discussed medication with close family and the doctor I've had my whole life, I've always had a bit of anxiety, but never this badly, and I'm hoping to seek alternative methods before turning to medicine.

[kctiger]

Talk to a therapist. They are good at this. I would think face to face interaction would be a bit more powerful as well.

[jmw0713]

Do whatever you think is best for you as long as your seeking help.

Good Luck!

[wolfgangqpublic]

Seek some therapy - there are numerous methods that involve no medication.

[MsMewiththat]

Medatation and prayer would be very helpful as well. You have to slow your mind down. I too recommend that you seek therapy. It will help. Herbs are good. If you partake in any extra curricular bad habits you would want to leave those alone as they only induce paranoia. It is important to seek some assistance now as you are experiencing it will continue to get progressivly worse as with any other disorder or illness. Best of luck

[talaniman]

It bothers me your not seeing a doctor, and following his directions. That where you should start.

[talaniman]

Your threads have been merged to avoid any confusion. Its important to get the whole picture.